Breathing...

I've become quite attached to it. You kinda need to continue to do it. I hate asthma. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to breathe, or able to catch my breath. I hate having to take my rescue inhaler. I hate that some of my allergies affect my asthma instead of just giving me the itchies...

but I love breathing easy...let's keep it going.

Travel Days...

I feel like I need a break and a vacation just from travelling home and back for the holidays. I loved being home, seeing the kids enjoy Christmas, watching them open presents, etc...but really...all of the up and back and driving, was just exhausting!

On Being a Pack Rat...

I guess I've been one all my life...because I just started cleaning shit out at my parents while I'm here and I had stuff in there that I can't believe I saved. Oy vey! I wish it was a habit I had never picked up...but, I have, and now I have to break myself of it. I just don't have the space in a manhattan apartment, and it's not worth saving some of the crap that I've saved over the years.

I feel like I need a support group...

White Christmas...

it's the first time in a long time that I've had a white christmas. I was so happy as I was driving home to see all of the snow on the ground near my parents. I had just been complaining that I hadn't seen a white christmas in so long...was so nice to have one here!!! not to mention having the kids (nephews) around is nice...

Congratulations!!!!

so...my sister just got engaged tonight. I knew it was coming on Monday...her boyfriend Mike called and asked for my blessing. (which I thought was way sweet since my sister and I are really close). The rock is beautiful...although I have yet to see it in person...that will happen tomorrow!

Congrats to Sabrina and Mike...

One More Day...

one day more...that's all I have left of work this year. After tomorrow I am officially on vacation until the 7th of January. It's a nice feeling. There's not too much going on right now (at this time of year) anyway, so it will be nice to have some time off and just relax a little. Besides...the little fellow (nephew) turns one on new years eve...so...have to spend some time at home for that!

Baby it's Cold Outside...

and the chill is definitely in the air. I'm not sure that the heat in my apt is the same as it's been in year's past. It doesn't feel as warm. Not that I'm complaining about that...cuz it used to be an inferno once the heat came on...

just means the windows don't stay open as long for fresh air...he he...

pedestrian bowling...

I feel like a human bowling ball when I leave the office. there are a ton of clueless tourists around that clog up the street and don't (evidently) know how to walk. a five minute walk now takes 15, and people actually stand there, in the way and don't even know it. it's not cynicism on my part. I've been hit by more kids and baby strollers in the last two weeks than I care to talk about. I have nephews and love them dearly...so it's not a hatred of children either...I don't know what it is.

I just imagine myself as a human bowling ball though as I travel on my way to or from...and I award myself points for those peeps that I can get around...the larger the person, or gathering, the more points...the less space to get by, even more points...getting by without being hit by a baby stroller or umbrella...bells and whistles. half the time I'm imagining that I'm knocking them down...but that's only in my head!

RIP Customer Service

increasingly lately, I have found that customer service is dead. at the cable company, at the bank...almost every where. they make no apologies. they appreciate your business, but they don't want to do anything to keep it, or even sometimes, their jobs. it's really horrible. bad customer service will ruin it all. I could stay with a bank that didn't have all the frills if there was great customer service, or they were responsive when I asked questions, or didn't take three different people with three different answers to talk to me. it's disgusting actually. if I behaved like that at work, or even tried to pull the attitude that is dished out I'd be gone in a heartbeat. ughhhh...

so...RIP customer service...may your memory live on...

connecting...

over the past year, I seem to have re-connected with friends from long ago...I'm not sure what that's about, but there it is. Is there always a connection, if there once was? Does that fade over time? Can it just go away? We'll have to wait and see for those answers, but for now, it's nice to be re-connected.

Patriotism

I'm sick of being labeled un patriotic because I don't believe in or support the president. I'm sick my loyalties being called into question because I question some of his policies and decisions. Most of all, I'm sick of being made to feel bad because I don't support the war. Just because I don't support the war, does not mean that I don't support our troops - they deserve our support - regardless of how we feel about this or any war. But - really - our country was founded on the principles of free speech, why is it when I exercise mine I'm suddenly not a patriot?

clutter...

I've recently started to get rid of all of the clutter in my life...okay...alot of the clutter in my life. I hadn't really realized how much of it here is around. Every day I'm looking out at more and more of it, and just thinking...do I really need this? What purpose is it serving? If I can't answer the questions well...out it goes. Well, not out, to charity. There's a pile of it now. It feels cathartic and good.

Party time of the year...

just got in from a holiday party...one of the first of the season I guess. It's always nice to see people...and everyone's cheery and the alcohol is flowing. I guess I just wasn't feeling festive tonight...although it snowed all day and the mood should have been there...

Frozen Cheez Its

have you ever had frozen cheez its? I was on location tonight and it was mad cold here in nyc. I went to craft service to get some hot cider and some snack food...and got frozen cheez its. They tasted like cheez its, they were just way cold! Don't recommend...but the cider freakin rocked my world!

Cold Weather...

the weather was cold and chilly today...which adds to the feel of the holiday in the air. It's kind of nice to feel this cold, this early in December. I'm not really into the cold that much, but it does make it feel like the holidays are officially here! Yay!!!

Holiday mood...

it's that time of the year, the snow fell and it's chilly outside. It's December in the city and it's beginning to feel like the holidays are here! I think this is the first time in a long time that I can remember snow this early in the season, it's kind of setting the tone nicely. Hopefully there's more to come...I remember growing up all the snow it felt like we got, and it was almost always a white christmas. I can't remember the last white christmas we had...it will be nice if there's one again!

inspiration

that's what I'm looking for...needing to find. It's the time of year that I need to write my holiday letter for family and friends and send out my cards...I'm just not feeling inspired...it's Dec 1...needs to happen soon of folks won't get the letter or cards in time for the holidays!

FTP's

it's big...it's all lit up now...it's America's Christmas Tree...supposedly. It also brings out the crazies that make it impossible to go to lunch in less than 30 minutes because the area is so congested and clogged with FTP's. (F-ing Tree People)

It's the most wonderful time of the year...or so they say

cleaning...

there's something cathartic about cleaning and purging your life of things unwanted and no longer needed. I've been cleaning alot today...the closet...the cabinets...dusting...vacuuming...

now that I'm tired...it's time for the sunday night shows and a little relaxation...but I feel good for all of the purging and cleaning that I've been able to do...

money...

it's not supposed to buy you happiness...but it sure seems to rule the world. there are those that have it and those that don't...and the gap between the two seems to be growing, not shrinking. those that don't have it have the hardest time trying to get more of it and never seem to get ahead.

just an observation...

Odd habits...

so, there are some odd habits that you observe when you people watch. There are some really odd habits that people have in the gym. A guy came in today as I was changing to go home, and he used the blow dryer to blow hot air into his workout pants and socks before putting them on. It just got me to thinking about what other odd habits people have. Todays' was a really odd one...I've just never seen anyone use a blow dryer in that way!

In Sickness...

and in health...

I'll take health please. I'm tired of being sick! I'm tired of the nasal drip. I'm tired of the congestion. I'm tired of taking medicine!

Can I get better please? ;-p

tired...

i've been taking it easy for most of the week as I've been sick and re-cuperating. Sadly, I haven't even had the time or energy to do much, including be online and checking email. I lay in bed, watched tv, fell asleep...you know the routine. lots of fluids, trips to the bathroom, and back to sleep...

oy...thankfully on the mend...

Therapy Break...

I haven't done much work in therapy lately...but then again I haven't been dating lately either...so my therapist and I decided today that it's time for a therapy break. I feel good about it. I was sort of tired about re-hashing all of the same things over and over, week after week...this will be good.

Bar Scene....

I guess as a gay man I never got used to or accustomed to the bar scene. I'm not sure I like it. I'm not sure I like drinking, or just being a wall flower waiting to be talked to. Maybe it goes back to the days in gym class where I was always afraid I'd be the last one picked. I don't know. I like going with friends and having a drink or two...but I never was the one to be able to flit around to many different groups or people. I like to people watch, not get so intoxicated I'm blitzed. Two or three drinks and I'm done...not drunk or buzzed...just done. Too noisy to talk to people...most of the time too crowded and you can't move...

okay...ranting done...I'm either going to have to get used to it or avoid them...and in the gay community that doesn't seem to be possible!

one day more...

it's not just a number in Les Mis anymore. One more day and I'm 34...I can't belive it. Another year...another birthday...

bureaucracy...

you go...all prepared for it. At least I did today. I had to go to the DMV and renew my drivers license. I was prepared. I had all the forms filled out. I had the money, my identification, the old license. I stood in line, got a new photo taken, and passed the eye exam. then I sat with my book and prepared to hunker down for the long haul. miracles of miracles, my number was called not too long after. the woman who waited on me was actually funny and smiling and it was a very nice interaction. I was in and out in under an hour. Now I just have to wait for the real deal to arrive in about 3 weeks to see how horrible the picture is! Couldn't have totally been a great experience...could it?

Trainer...

so I haven't seen mine in a week...and doesn't look like I will be this week either. I have been hitting the gym by myself and trying to keep up all of my hard work and training. I think I'm doing okay. I feel like my belly and love handles are starting to re-appear though...and I don't like that at all!! Time to step it up and notch and hit the gym every day this week with no excuses. I am on vacation!

Lazy Sunday...

I've had a headache and have done nothing all day...and that's exactly what I have to look forward to...a week worth of doing nothing...ahhhh...vacation is wonderful!!!

It's Beginning to Look a lot like...

Christmas! I can't believe that I am writing this. It's insane. It wasn't even Halloween and there were Holiday decorations in some drugstore windows, Radio City had erected their big tree on the marquee and there were holiday themed commercials on tv (thanks Crest White Strips). So...if we're starting the holiday season this early now, does that mean we'll see Halloween stuff in August and Valentines Day in December?

I'm just asking!

It's Just a Little Hocus Pocus...

okay...it's a kids movie...but, every year at this time I watch it and think of my sister. When I was old enough to drive, but not too old I took my sister to see this in the movie theatre...there you have it...I just admitted to her age and mine...she would have been 10 maybe...

anyway...now, every year, I watch and think of taking my sister to see the movie and having a good time when I was younger. It's not Halloween without watching Hocus Pocus...of course it helps that Bette Midler is in it...which also makes it a little gay...;-p

so...it's on now...and it's just a little Hocus Pocus and I'm young again!

Abs...

no matter how much I train, no matter how hard I work out...I seem to shrink in waist size, expand my chest, build up the biceps and transform the triceps...I just can't seem to get that V or sculpted abs that I kind of want. I know...it's bad to want those things...but I've been working so hard, and seeing so much positive results, it's just frustrating to have hit this plateau right now...oh well! we'll just have to keep working it out to get there!!!

Lazy Days...

I kind of like lazy days...getting up...making coffee...having breakfast in bed...drinking coffee watching a movie...it's nice to have a lazy morning. I should have gone to the gym, but I just felt like I needed a lazy morning. I haven't done anything valuable today except get my ass out of bed and shower...

it's gonna be one of those days until I go back to bed tonight...at least I made the bed!

unsure...

it's kind of like being at the therapist sometimes...there's a ton that I want to say...but when I get to sit down and do it...nothing comes out...

Fashion Police to the Straight Boys...

hello...if you're wearing black shoes, you wear a black belt. If you wear a brown belt, you wear brown shoes. There's no mixing and matching! It makes you look bad!

I'm just saying!

weekends...

when you work saturdays, weekends are just way to short! where did the time go. Only having Sunday off is rough. I sleep, run to do laundry, do errands, and maybe meet friends (if I'm lucky) before I have to be home to finish up ironing, clean a little and then have dinner and see Dexter and Brothers and Sisters. UGGHHHH. I miss two day weekends...

Question of the Day...

If I go crazy because of the demands of work and get sent to the funny farm...is it covered by Workers Comp?

I'm just in the inquiring/asking phase right now, for clarification.

Come OUT, come OUT, where ever you are

it's the only way our visibility will increase and the only way that our rights won't erode further than they are already.

I'm sick of being treated like a second class citizen. like my life and my love doesn't matter. Being gay is only a part of who I am, but that doesn't make it any less an important part that the other identifiers...irish, male, over 30, etc...

It's National Coming Out Day...do it for yourself...live your life and be who you are!

I hate...

boys...and I hate the games that they play.

dating should not be this difficult...I like you, you like me...let's have fun! why does it have to be about games!

I'm better than this...are there any boys out there that can relate and understand that? that remains to be seen.

Wiped out...

so...worked all day...I know...it's a holiday, but it's so not! Anyway, worked all day, hit the gym and trainer, and now I'm just home and wiped out! What's up with that? Am I really that old that I feel wiped out after work and training? when did that happen? maybe it has to do with the 80+ degree, out of season warmth we're experiencing...but...they opened the skating rink at Rock Center...let the crappy tourist season begin! Lunch just officially got longer!

does anyone read this?

dingleberries...

they're everywhere! I thought since it was fall, we would be done with them! There are trees all over my neighborhood that have the little buggers all over them. The fruit ripens, and falls to the ground...when it gets trampled or opened or crushed it smells...horrid, like crap! The whole neighborhood reeks of it sometimes now.

What is even more un-believable, is that some cultures come and collect all of them from the trees and use them to cook with! If that's what they smell like, I can't imagine what they taste like. I know I don't want to find out!

From the...

things that sound dirty, but aren't book.

"But when you come, and I am filled with wonder.
Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity."

now...if you have a dirty mind...like I do...and you take this out of context...this is very dirty!!! very dirty!

however, if I add the next line of the lyric: "You Raise Me Up" you'll know that, it is, hands down, not dirty, but from a beautiful song.

sometimes I feel like I'm taken out of context and people then only see what they know at that moment and not the entire me...and that can be bad!

then again...when I meet someone that fills me with wonder when he cums...I'm never letting him go! sorry...told you I was dirty! ;-p

wondering...

dating leaves me wondering...
work leaves me wondering...
boys especially leave me wondering...
life leaves me wondering...

wondering what's next for me, wondering what else I have left to do...wondering why I'm not independently wealthy and living a life of leisure (okay maybe that's a daydream and not a wonder). the world is full of wonder...and I guess you can either embrace it or let it leave you unsettled.

customer service

has it gone away? I would really like to know where it's gone with the big companies out there. customer service is not telling the customer that they are talking semantics. customer service is trying to assist the customer when they call with a complaint/problem. customer service operators should have the assistance and backing of the company that they represent to keep the customer happy. customer service would have answers, not questions or arguments for you.

FED EX sucks!

disappointment...

okay...I was misled! I was under the deranged impression that the season premiere of Brothers and Sisters was tonight and it was only a recap of last season...

okay...great to get us back on the same page...but what a rip off! Not was I was expecting!

brothers and sisters...

I know, I know...it's not on my network. not to mention the fact that in a weeks time it will conflict with Dexter...what am I to do?

but I just bought the DVD box set of season one, and watched the finale...finally. OMG! Such a great show, and I wish that the had shown the second episode (it's in the set as an unaired), it was so good, and shot so well.

I cannot wait for the new season to start. This from someone who didn't like the show when it first aired last year, and only got into it after half the season was gone by. WOW.

such a great show...and totally makes me miss my brother and sister!

Bad Things Happen...

when you leave the city. It's a phrase I've used countless times...but it's so true. I had a horrible flight delay out of LGA...and by the time I actually got to my destination, beautiful Manchester, NH my level of frustration was at an all time high. Cabs are cheap here though - less than what I pay for a cab from work to the apt...that's a plus. It wasn't even 6pm when I ventured out into the town to find something to eat, stop at CVS for something to drink for the room, etc...everything was closing down. The eateries stayed open, but CVS was closed...a fact not lost on a flight attendant that was trying to get something there too. Oy...four days here...will I make it?


Bad things happen when you leave the city!

PS...sorry for the long delay in posts...more to come...and regularly!

Life is for leading, for not people pleasing...

it's the lyrics to the new Darren Hayes song - On the Verge of Something Wonderful. If you haven't heard it...google it. It's a great, catchy tune...and hopefully it will be BIG! I was watching the video last night on Logo of all places in between shows or something.

I will admit that the tune is one that I've been humming and had already pre-ordered the CD (it should be in my mailbox today I hope) and love this song for it's catchy tune and Darren...but I really listened to the lyrics last night and it's such a bright and hopeful song!

I feel like it's the perfect song for my life right now...I'm on the verge of something wonderful. I don't know what it is, and I'm not sure where it will lead me, but I'm on the verge...

I've learned to take more responsiblilty for own happiness and where I'm headed in life. I'm coming out of the darkness I was in. I know that I have a lot to offer...in life, in my career and in relationships...I'm getting there. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to embrace some fear. I'm learning, as the song says, that life is for leading, not people pleasing as that's a game that has never been won.

I plan on winning my life...that's all there is to it!

Life Lessons Learned from Broadway Musicals - Part 2

okay...so it's been a month since my last LLLfBM, so it's time for another.

Today's Musical: RENT

Lesson Learned: there's No Day but Today.

It's one of the central themes of the musical - both the stage show and the movie adaptation. There is no day but today. Seize it. Live it. Make your life yours. Make your days count. Don't look back with regret and say I wish I could have done that, or tried that or did it differently.

It all can come and go in a heartbeat - boys, friends, jobs, relationships - life moves at breakneck speed, go ahead and make the most of it while you've got it, there's No Day but Today.

My life has changed so much in the last little bit, that I think this is the best advice that I can give myself of anyone else. I am learning to live for the day and not regret what's happened or worry about what's to come. That's easier said than done, but I am trying. I try not to put too much weight on my next date with J, or when he calls. I try not to get too wrapped up with work and let it overcome ad choke my life (that's the more difficult challenge). I try to just live like there's No Day but Today, and end the day knowing that I've done something good, something positive, something that made me smile. If I can do that, I've got it made!

weekends...

I often times complain during the season that I don't see enough of them and that I have none. I have them now and find myself wondering what to do with them. Oy! What's to be done with me. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Or something to do to keep my busy until I lose them again! ;-p

cat and mouse...

I despise the game of cat and mouse that can end up getting played at the beginning of relationships. really. seriously. it serves no purpose. you either like me and want to spend time with me or you don't. I either like you and want to spend time with you, or I don't. it's great when you're both on the same page about things. sometimes it's great when you're not. either way, this whole, lots of phone calls/texts and communication and then not so much and then lots again and plans, and maybe not plans...ughhh!!!

it's exhausting. it's not clingy if we both like each other and want to spend time together. it doesn't mean we're in a relationship...it doesn't mean we're boyfriends...it just means that we like each other, enjoy spending time together and want to see what happens...

this cat and mouse is exhausting, nerve-wracking and really...just not worth it!

keeping things at bay...

depression sucks!

it doesn't look like I got the job I'd been interviewing for and was excited about...
I haven't heard from the boy I've been seeing in a while despite an incredible date on tuesday night and a huge connection...
I have to work tomorrow for most of the day...

I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night, trying to keep depression at bay...and it's so hard! I have cried three times this evening...not counting once at the gym while watching Father of the Bride Part 2 of all things!

How do I let myself get like this? Why do I let myself get like this? Why can't I learn to not get so attached, or not to get attached quickly? I just felt like J was as attached as I was...if not more since he was doing equal amounts of reaching out and staying connected.

Crying sucks...and I don't know how to stop myself. Maybe I do need medication? Maybe I can't keep things at bay anymore. Maybe I need to stop pretending that everything is all right...it's not! I hate being shit on! I hate feeling like this! I hate that I don't seem in control of my emotions! I hate that I can't have a job that will let me have a life! I'm sick of this...

Maybe I just need a walk in the park...or a dog...which would be an excuse for a walk in the park...I just don't know anymore...and that's the part that sucks...we know how much I like not being in control. Why can't I just let go?

2 Inches...

and no boys, it's not what you think...geez...get your mind out of the gutter! It's about two inches that I have lost off my waist in the last 5 months! I am very happy with my progress and the way that things are shaping up! You have no idea the amount of will-power and perseverance that it's taken to keep up with the trainer and the gym, and cardio, etc. I'm so not programmed for that. I'm getting there...but I don't want to be a gym clone! Protein shakes, sensible meals, no sweets...these were things that weren't in my vocabulary months ago. They are things that I now find myself thinking about regularly.

What I'm most proud of is the fact that I'm doing it for me...and to fight the family genes as long as I can, so I can fit into my jeans! ;-p

new phones...

okay...so I wake up to an opressively hot NYC morning yesterday. the city had been brought to a near stand-still with 3" of rain in an hour or so - none of the subways were functioning well and my phone was dead! As in won't turn on and dead! I had sent a boy a message the night before after he left my apt and then plugged it in to charge. nada, zip, nothing!

so...I WALK to work at Rock Plaza (yes...60 blocks away) and start the day. I spend the afternoon on the phone with Verizon customer service and in two different Verizon wireless stores, but walk out with a new phone. I actually really like it, and between the early upgrade credit and an in store rebate, the phone will cost me less than $50...love that even more!

only problem is that I can't turn the other one on, so I can't transfer numbers...I think I have them all...but not sure!

did I mention that I cooked for a boy for our third date on tuesday? we went for drinks and then back to the apt for me to cook. we had a great night! hoping there's more to come!

George...

I missed George over the weekend. I went back home to mom and dads for my nephews 3rd birthday (let's not talk about how old I feel because of that) and it wasn't the same not sleeping with George.

Before y'all go getting the wrong idea...George is my bodypillow. I figured if I was sleeping with him every night, he deserved a name!

Sleeping with George again last night...ah so restful, so peaceful!

Cleaning Up...

so...two days of interviews...a whirlwind of a few days time...great date...great interviews all for one job...and one thing is for certain...I apparently clean up nicely...

day two of interviewings outfit...think I looked better on day one...but hey...a boy can't be picky!

Monday, Monday...

Monday seems like one of those toss away days. Everyone attributes everything that happens to the fact that it's Monday. Late train - it's Monday. No phones at work? Monday. No hot water at home - Monday!

It's just funny to me that there are 6 other days of the week that don't seem to get the same rap!

Then again, it's Monday!

;-p

Saturday night...

It was a good Saturday night...had a great dinner and went to see Hairspray (the movie) with a great boy...

good conversation, great sweets, good movie (don't think I would have seen it if he hadn't wanted to) and a nice, sweet kiss (okay a few) goodnight.

talk of another night out...and more fun...so...all in all...a good saturday night.

no pressure...no expectations...a good date...

nice to have done it again...and he seems sweet and sincere...

Everything happens for a reason...

I believe that the goddess doesn't set anything in front of us without reason. Call it fate...call it karma...coincidence...dumb luck. Call it what you will. Why then, as I'm just beginning to put all of the pieces of my life back together and feeling good/better about things, am I thrown the curve ball? And from work none the less?

I'm reading the script for an upcoming episode today, and one of the characters is dealing with an ALS diagnosis. Of course when I read it, I audibly GASP and have to stop for a minute. My only connection to that disease is Sean. If everything happens for a reason...what's the reason for this?

I'm not sure...but it revolves around Sean somehow.

I also believe that the goddess doesn't give us anything that we can't handle...but I'm still stumped on this one!

Therapy...

it's not just a gay bar in midtown anymore!

although, as I was told after a quick session with the first of two therapists this week that I was "a sane and stable kind of guy, with no alcohol or drug issues and who didn't have answers to the questions that I was presenting..." so there was really no need, as he saw it "for me to be in therapy."

I'm just askin...but isn't the point of therapy to get answers to the questions that you're asking of yourself? I'm not naive, I'm not expecting them to come from the therapist...I know they need to come from me...but the whole motivation to go to therapy was to get the answers to the questions I was presenting...to do some more work and help myself become a better person...

...God didn't make any junk.

okay...so I'm not a religious person...but Tammy Faye Messner died on Friday and after everything she has been through, she deserves to be at peace.

She came to the LGBT fight later in life, but embraced our community, and it's this quote, once aimed at fellow christian's attempts to demonize us that I will always remember.

“We’re all just people made out of the same old dirt, and God didn’t make any junk.”

it's the truth, and we all need to remember it...

more life lessons later on, just wanted to post this now.

A typical Saturday...

of exploding stuffed animals/jello/turkeys, deep fried kids toys, steam rolled bobble heads and liquid nitrogen frozen food sports...

another typical saturday on the job...

stay tuned tomorrow for another update on Life Lessons from Broadway Musicals...

Wanting...

I want to be sad and cry -
for what was and what could have been.

I want to be upset and angry -
for how I've been treated and how betrayed I feel.

Mostly, I just want the confusion to end -
because I feel like you've disappeared on me -
even though I never disappeared on you.

Intuition...

it's not just the cologne that I wore today...

I followed my own intuition and sent Sean a voicemail message a few minutes ago. won't go into the details...and I didn't leave any ultimatums or demands...just told him I cared and I didn't know what to do because I'd never been through this with him before...

sent it with the complete knowledge that I don't care one way or the other what the end result is...it's started the closure process for me to let go...and I still think that's what I need to do right now...

to quote Celine Dion...A New Day Has Come...

How...

do I stop crying?
do I stop missing him?
do I stop thinking about his smile, his touch?
do I stop thinking about him throughout the day?
do I not wake up every morning and hope that today's the day I hear from him?
do I move on and let go when I'm still doing all of these things?

if anyone has answers...please share...I don't want to cry anymore...I want to move on and let go, but I can't seem to figure out how...

Look Forward...

just keep reminding me to look forward and not back...looking forward is usually a better view anyway! it's just so hard to not look back at what once was, what could have been or what you knew when you're faced with the challenge of looking ahead to new laughter, new tears of joy and new happiness...

Life Lessons learned from Broadway Musicals...

I'm starting a new chapter/series today...every couple of days or so there will be a life lesson here, of course with heavy gay influence, given the fact that I am indeed, a gay. ;-p

Today's Musical: Grey Gardens

Misc. Factoid: If you haven't seen the Tony winner...you've missed out. it's a little slow to start, but Christine Ebersole owns that show!

Lesson(s) learned:

We're all looking for the same thing. Despite the circumstances of your birth and upbringing, in the end, we all want to be loved and cared for. Gay, Straight or in between, we all have the need to be taken care of, loved and looked after. Painfully pointed out by the downfall of their lives, these two women (mother and daughter) still ached to be cared for by one another, and their lives would not have been the same without the other.

Life isn't always fair. You can't always get what you want...as the song goes...despite the fact that little Edie desires her own life and fame, she comes back to care for her mother, and make sure she's cared for too. Life isn't always fair...but it is life...and it's the only one we've got...

this concludes today's lesson plans boys and girls...more to come in upcoming weeks...

life's handed me lemons lately...it's summertime - anyone feel like lemonade? ;-p

letting go...

Intellectually I think its time for me to start letting go of my relationship...of my heartache...of Sean. Emotionally though...I don't know if I'm strong enough or if I'm ready to...but optimism has faded and hope is losing ground. I've passed the two week mark, and I've entered into the third week with no communication from him...I know it's hard and he's in a rotten place, but so am I, and I'm worth more than this.

I think it's time to let go...

Matters of the heart...

should the heart rule the head or the head rule the heart? Should it be a balance of the two? I think that balancing the two is the healthier option. What happens though, when your heart aches, and your head wants to start the healing process, but your heart keeps telling you it's not time yet? When do you let the head intervene?

maybe it's better to just keep the walls up and not let anyone in so you don't have to have this internal debate. maybe, as my head keeps thinking, that's the safest thing for your heart...just build a safe room, send the heart there and don't let it out.

how do you love then? I guess I have to learn to balance...or let my heart get crushed...either way...all of life's a lesson.

purple toenails...

in honour of my nephew Connor, who wanted his toes painted pink (that's right Jonathan...I heard! ;-p) my toenails are now purple hued and will remain painted until I go home for Connor birthday at the beginning of next month! Painted toes aren't just for girls...and even if I am laughed out of the party, he'll know it!

I just miss you baby...

so...I'm up and about and functioning this morning...with nothing in particular to do. So, I've had my coffee and will be hitting the gym in a little while...but was just goofing off online, checking email and catching up with the nytimes online...put the earphones in and pulled up itunes. it's on random shuffle of the 3500+ songs in there, and this is the first one that's played...somehow, I think it's gonna sum up my mood for the rest of the day...

Darren Hayes...you write such beautiful music and I cannot wait until the day comes that I can see you live and in person. Otherwise, I'm okay and doing better every day...there's still not a day that I don't think about Sean and miss him, but things are definitely not as difficult as they once were, whatever that means. That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger...I think that applies to relationships too, would stand to reason, right?


"I Miss You"

Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

And when you're fast asleep, I wonder where you go
Can you tell me, I wanna know

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I now understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go, I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope

And I miss you
This is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all

You know I miss you
And this is all I wanna do
I know it doesn't sound too cool
But maybe I'm in love with you

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby
And when you're walking out that door
I know I miss you
You make me wanna ask for more
I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby

Falling...

I fall too hard, too fast, too deep...
My heart in shards, at last, I sleep...
biding my time and waiting my turn
at the elusive game of love...

confusion abounds...

and not at life...I went to see an advance screening of the Kingdom last night with a friend...and I walked away thinking it was a great movie, although very violent and not the typical fare I would go see. I also think that if it's marketed well it will be huge...but today...I was left feeling a little mixed about it...

violence leads to more violence...if we blow them up or they blow us up...who's the terrorists? isn't there a peaceful solution...this is what I've been pondering all day...

I guess it was a good movie...it's made me think!

to sleep...perchance to dream...

sleep is so nice...and not a luxury, but is compeletly necessary for your mental health...

thanks for the gift of sleep last night...so changed my perspective!

the gift of music...

all of the boys I have dated, loved and have had an impact on my life have given me the gift of music at some stage in the relationship...

my first boyfriend Don gave me my love of Savage Garden...I knew who they were when we were dating...but he loved them, and listened to them all the time...and I have to admit, had it not been for that, I might not have bought more than their first album, and not developed my love for Darren Hayes, the frontman. I will remember Don playing "to the moon and back" for me one of the first nights I spent in his bed and just being with him...

JD came along and introduced me to a musical called Jekyll and Hyde and thus, to the voice of Linda Eder...who turned out to be a voice I would listen to after several other bfs went by the wayside. I don't remember when or how I got introduced to the show by JD...but I will always remember a trip to 'topher's on Long Island and singing along...and being told by JD to not sing...harsh! ;-p

Sean re-introduced me to Bon Jovi...yes, I know, Bon Jovi. I like him...no judging the musical taste. Besides, I have to admit that the new CD has at least two tracks on it that I like. Sean's favorite is (You Want to) Make a Memory...and we listened to it over and over again a few weeks ago after the CD came out. He even told me we have many memories to make together, that's yet to be seen, but the hope is there. My favorite is Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore, the duet with Leann Rimes. Say nothing people...the voices actually blend nicely.

I guess my point in all of this is...these are my memories of special people in my life, and whenever I hear the songs or voices, I think of the boys that introduced me to them. So...thanks for the memories...and here's to more to come! Music is everlasting. And this is not to say that other boys haven't introduced me to music that I love...'topher, joey...I'm just choosing to blog about bfs right now...it's my mood and my blog dammit!

it's come down to...

having a RX for sleeping pills so I'll be able to hopefully/finally sleep through an entire night since this whole ordeal began. I wasn't doing myself any good not being able to sleep...and the lack of sleep was only adding to the whole increased anxiety and everything else that's going on...so...it came down to sleeping pills.

I know that sleep can give you a whole new outlook, and I'm hoping a good nights sleep will do me a world of good. we'll see in the am!

I'm a little down today...started out as an apathetic day...then missing Sean (but there hasn't been a day that goes by yet that I haven't missed him...and it is him I miss...not the relationship)...then more upset over my own pity party when I think about how horrible things must be for him...why can't I be more understanding and patient? but...then it's back to the same question...how long is a while and what does that mean?

oy...it's a whirlwind day...and still no luck on a therapist...but getting closer...I can feel it!

blah...and it's raining...even better...I did walk home from the subway in the pouring rain...held my hands out wide...felt good to be wet...reminded me I am alive!

upset...

it's a word that can mean so many things...

I am upset and angry that I haven't heard from Sean...

I am upset and mad at myself for feeling so sorry for me when I know what he's going through is 100x harder...

I am upset at the situation in general...and want it to get better...

Anger...

i'm not so sure it's a useless emotion as some people claim. I know that I probably shouldn't be, but I'm a little angry. I'm feeling a little betrayed. I am worth more than I've been given and I don't know what to do, say or feel anymore. Someone told me last night, that "any boy that makes you cry, isn't worth crying over." I'm not sure I fully agree with that at this point, but I'm starting to see the sense in it.

I'm angry that I don't know if I have a boyfriend or not anymore, I'm angry that it's been more than a week since I've seen him, more than a week since I last actually talked to him, and a week now since I last heard from him. I'm angry that he didn't let me in. I know that he must care about me since he sent me the message to at least let me know what was going on...but how much does he care about me if it's been all this time and he hasn't even bothered to check in, or let me know he's okay.

I don't know which is better...the tears I've already shed and the small pieces that have been ripped out of my heart already, or the fact that now it's been replaced with anger. I miss him, every day. Is that because I don't know if we're still a couple, or he's still my boyfriend, or is it because I really care for him. I think it's a little from column A and a little from column B.

I'm angry that I thought myself a bad person yesterday, because I came to the conclusion that if he comes back and only wants to be friends, I can't do that. I can't do that to my heart. I care about him as more than a friend, and if that's all he can handle, I understand. But, I can't. I can't just be his friend. I didn't start dating him to become his friend. Yesterday I thought I was a bad person for thinking that, because he obviously needs friends, today, the anger is maybe letting me see clearer. It's letting me see that I need to take care of and protect myself, and my heart.

I'm angry because all of this searching for a therapist has turned up nobody that my insurance covers, including people on the list that the insurance company sent me! what's that about? hello...gay man in crisis here...needs a therapist!!! :-) Shopping isn't therapy anymore!

I've been listening to this song alot, not by the original artist (Ben Harper) but a dancier mix by someone named Peyton...not sure how I found it...but glad that I did...I'll Rise

You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies,
you may trod me down in the very dirt.
And still like the dust, I'll rise.
Does my happiness upset you?
Why are you best with gloom cause I laugh,
like I've got an oil well pumpin' in my living room?

So you may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

Now did you want to see me broken,
bowed head and lowered eyes,
shoulders fallen down like teardrops,
weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my confidence upset you?
Don't you take it awful hard cause I walk,
like I've got a diamond mine breakin' up in my front yard.

So you may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

So you may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies.
You may trod me down in the very dirt.
And still like the dust, I'll rise.
Does my happiness upset you?
Why are you best with gloom cause I laugh,
like I've got a goldmine diggin' up in my living room.

You may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

You may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
I gonna rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

am I a bad person if...

I want to protect my heart? if I don't know if I can do this? if I care about him so much that I don't want to lose him, but don't want my heart trod upon either? if I'm thinking these thoughts? I just want him to call me...to see him and hold him again...and for US to be okay...but am I bad because I'm worried about my heart in all of this with all that he's going through?

fight or flight...

it's that age old question...when faced with something life-threatening/changing/hostile, etc. - do you run or rumble?

I used to think I ran from confrontations, unless I created them on my very own...god knows there have been a number of those. I think I am much more of a fighter though. that's not to say that I am planning on getting into any rumbles anytime soon with would be aggressors, but when there's something that I want, I will fight for it, despite the obstacles or adversaries in my way.

I'm definitely not a runner...I'm a New Yorker. This was very evident last night as 'topher and I were walking home from dinner a few blocks from my apt. We were chatting...about what's going on with him...what's going on with me...full from dinner and carrying leftovers when a wanna be thug (complete with wife beater and white bandanna tied around his nose and mouth) comes running up behind us screaming "gimme all your money" and brandishing a BUTTER knife...I mean seriously...this in NYC...did he actually think he was getting anywhere with a butter knife? We turned around looked at him, turned back around, looked at each other and kept on walking. Then about a block down were like...did we just do that? Don't worry...rest assured...as I told 'topher, had he received a flesh wound from the butter knife, I would have held it together with my hands until we got to the hospital about three blocks away! ;-p

Where am I going with all of this? I don't know...but I'm fighting. Fighting for what I want...fighting for a better life...fighting to be the person I know I once was and will be again! Don't count me out...I'm a fighter! (which I think is a much healthier sentiment than being a survivor...)

What If...

there are a lot of what if's running around in my head right now...some that I'm not ready to deal with...

I'm at the vortex of the tornado that is swriling the good and bad of my life all around me right now...and it's bumped my baggage from checked to carry on...

two thoughts...

keep spinning through my head...one is lyrics from an incredible song...
"if I can only hold you now, make the pain just go away...can't stop the tears from running down my face..."

and then there's the other Zen saying...

"No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place"

I like the zen saying...everything happens for a reason...and there's a reason Sean and I got together...no snowflake falls in the wrong place...and we fell into each other...we'll see what happens...

Broke and Desolate...

is how I'm feeling emotionally right now...I need to find my rainbow again...

The Earth turns...

the sun burns...
tides changes...
the boys run...
the oceans crash...
the crowds roar...
the days soar...
the moon glows...
the river flows...
life goes on...
but I'm gone...

I QUIT

I want to quit my life. Have you ever just wanted to quit your life? Even just for a little while? That's what I feel like right now. My boyfriend is having a nervous breakdown after just loosing his mother to ALS. I say that I love my job, but I really can't stand it right now, and I groan when I wake up every morning and dread going in. I want a new job that will give me the time to have a life. I want to make more money. I want to be loved and to love in return. I want the most significant relationship in my life to not be with my blackberry. I want my boyfriend to be well and in my arms again, but, right now, I don't know if that will happen. Most of all...I just want to put life on pause for a minute, enjoy myself and come back when things are better. I guess that wouldn't be life then. So, what do I do in the mean time? How do I cope with this? How do I get through this? I wish I knew. I feel like everything is closing in around me even though I know its not. I cry at the drop of a hat or a hallmark commercial. I feel like my heart is on my sleeve and that my face is constantly streaked with tears. I don't know what to do anymore. Alcohol isn't even numbing the pain. Will sex? What works - somebody - please tell me, NOW! I need the solution and the answers that I am without right now! I don't know what to do! I have never felt like this in my life. I want to quit my life.

OWEN...

you are always with me little one...always!

my guardian angel...that cute and smiling face...all the happiness that you brought...

you will always be with me!

relationships...

I really am enjoying being in one...it's been so long since my last. I have a great time with the bf, regardless of what we're doing...having dinner out, hanging out on the river or just lounging. I still have butterflies in my stomach with that first kiss upon meeting. I smile, okay beam, when I'm talking to him. I can't wait for him to meet my family. we finish each others sentences sometimes, and have the same thoughts at the same time frequently. we look at the same hot guys when we're out (is that wrong), but it's always me who's hand he's holding, or that he has his arms around, or is making out with.

when is it too soon to say the big L word? what if I'm feeling it. when is the right time to not freak either person out?

I have all these doubts and fears...and I try not to let those come into play...but they're always there, in the back of my mind...but the good thoughts are too...plans that we've made together for a while from now...things to do...places to go...

for right now, the only thing I can say is, I'm glad to be in a relationship with him and enjoying every minute I get...

Perspective...

it's amazing thing perspective. it shines an un-wavering light on anything in it's path. it has made itself known to me the last few days. work is great...and I love my job, but it's occupied so much of my time over the last few years, it's made me lose my perspective sometimes. I've often put work ahead of my personal life and ahead of those that I care about, it hasn't been intentional, but in the nature of my work, things happen in a second, and I don't want to fall behind. it's not right, it's just the way it was. my perspective came crashing back down on me recently. I need to make more time for the folks I care about, and it started this weekend...

I'm glad that it did...and that I didn't let work stand in the way...

Fly...

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light


Owen - you are always with me - always.

03/05/03 - 07/01/03

favorite moments

one of my favorite all time NYC moments came recently...actually two weekends in a row. I had met my boyfriend, had dinner and drinks and then dropped him off at the PATH station in the village. it was raining, and there's just something about making out with someone you care about, in the rain, not worrying who was around or what they thought. it has become one of my favorite NYC moments. I always love when I have more of them, but this one definitely ranks up there!

Technology is our Friend...

I keep telling myself that every time my Blackberry (or crackberry as I like to call it) buzzes and email interupts another dinner out with Sean, or the phone rings and I have to hang up with my mother to take whomever is calling the work phone. It's supposed to make life easier, and it does. It also is an umbilical cord to the office/work 24 hours a day - 7 days a week, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I love my job, but I work alot of weekends (and I'm okay with that) but at what point can I put the bberry down and not worry about it? Can someone please explain it to me? Like I'm a 5 year old?

training...

i work out with my trainer twice a week...and have pretty religiously for the past two and a half months. i'm finally starting to see results...more importantly, other people are too. that's encouraging. i actually am really liking and am flattered by that. guess it's worth all of the sweat and tears...literally! not like i'm doing this for anyone but me..but hey...nice that other people are noticing!

flat stomachs...

sometimes I think that they are over-rated, and then others, I envy them. I'm working on getting mine flat again...and it's far better than it was 8 weeks ago when I started. I want that little V some guys have...although I heard you're either born with that or not...that's discouraging. Not discouraging enough to stop me from working with the trainer two times a week. seeing results in other areas...the tummy is just slower. oh well...I know it's working, and I'm not really doing it for anyone else...doing it for me...so...there!

okay...so maybe I'm doing it to fight the family genes...and so my brother can no longer say I have man boobs (which, for the record, I never had)...but mostly it's for me!

Hair...

for the new year i shaved all of my hair off...got it down to 1/8". not bad for someone who always had a full head of hair and would spend some time on it every morning. it was liberating. it was cool...alright down right cold if i forgot my hat! i buzzed it again at the end of april, and was going to let it grow back in...but now it's 5 or 6 weeks later and it's annoying me. i think i might buzz it all off again. you can be a slave to your hair, always trying to have it look just right, and do the right thing, you can have it and not care about it (until you start to lose it) or you can buzz it all off and not care. it frames and helps to define your face, although, without it, people are forced to look at your face, and not your hair.

it's all so confusing, and not worth the time or energy...time to buzz it all off again! what have i got to lose - it will always grow back!

meet the robinsons...

saw it recently (easter time with my best friend and his mom) and am reminded of it every time I hear rob thomas' song little wonders. such a cute movie...and I have to admit, probably one of the best ones that disney has put out in a long time! so good on so many levels...go and get it when it comes out...well worth it!

can't wait for it to come out on dvd to own...will definitely be adding to the collection!

Travel...

is grating on my nerves. don't get me wrong...have loved seeing new places and old friends where I've been...but I just really want to spend a while at home! want to be able to go out and explore central park...have a picnic with the guy i'm seeing...walk around and enjoy the beautiful weather. luckily there is no travel planned in my immediate future! woohoo!!!

now it might be time to think about getting a new mattress...hmmmmm

travel...

life out of a suitcase sucks! it sucks! I feel like all I've done lately is travel. 10 days in San Francisco for work...now another week in LA for work, and then the weekend away in Long Island as soon as I get back...WOW! I'm wracking up the miles. Don't get me wrong...loved San Fran...and loved that Sean went out and spent some time with me there...and will love being on Long Island/Fire Island for Memorial Day...but my bed hasn't seen this little love in I don't know how long! ;-p

just sayin...

FRAMILY

new word for the dictionary of greg...right up there with COACH whore.

FRAMILY is the extended circle of people in your life that you surround yourself with. The ones that you call on when you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. The ones that are more than friends, but maybe not family...or maybe family but not as close as some of your friends. FRAMILY.

in a world where many GLBT folks have to create their own support network...FRAMILY can describe it well!

I love my FRAMILY!

Music...

so...I am a huge fan of music...I love it...it can make me feel emotions I didn't know were present.

a song can take me back to a place in time and remind me of happy, sad or a ton of other events in life.

when I'm down, music can pick me up. when I'm up, it can keep me there. sometimes it defines my mood without even meaning to do so. this morning I was listening to the iPod on shuffle and a Darren Hayes song came on, and I realized that I'm feeling this way lately...

"Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unloveable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?"

was feeling a little magenta anyway, and hearing this song sort of helped me figure out why.

Boyfriend

it's a little word that can mean so much. sometimes it isn't enough to describe a relationship, sometimes it's too much. where is that fine line, and when do you cross it?

i've been seeing a boy for a month or so now, and he even went to san francisco with me for a few days when i was out on business. i referred to him as my boyfriend at one point, and i think it might have freaked him out. it wasn't done intentionally. i'm just struggling with where the line is for when someone is or isn't your boyfriend. when are they less? when are they more? it's been a long time since i've had anyone to call my boyfriend, so i admit to being more than a little confused by the term now.

do we have to be going steady, or exclusive for the term to apply? does it apply after X number of dates when both parties want to continue seeing each other? does it only apply when both parties agree to use the term? if i don't want to see anyone else and he does, can we use the term? what if the roles were reversed? what if neither one of us wanted to see anyone else and hadn't had the exclusivity talk, or were taking it slow - does that throw a wrench in things? if we're not using the bf term, how do we introduce each other? if boyfriend doesn't fit lover and partner certainly don't in this instance. we're more than just friends - we've slept together, cuddled and fooled around. i wouldn't necessarily be introducing a f**kbuddy to friends and family, so that term most definitely doesn't apply, and what happens if this is someone that you haven't even have sex with yet - the fbuddy term applies even less.

all i know is that i am enjoying spending time with him, i want to spend more time with him. i want him to meet my framily (friends and family) and i still don't know what to call him. i guess it's a mystery yet to be solved.

Dating...

taking it slow. taking it fast. sleeping together. cuddling. Does it matter? Is there a difference when you like someone? Is it okay to sleep together and have sex on the first date if you think there is relationship potential, or no? Is just cuddling acceptable when you sleep together the first few weeks/months? Should there be more?

I love all the questions that come out and about when you start seeing someone. I love the butterflies in your stomach at every date. I love that I look forward to talking to him when I get to, and the excitement that I experience when I see it's him on the phone!

So, I've done it now...

I actually created an official blog. Instead of relying on sites like myspace or that ilk, I have created an official blog site of my own. I guess I'll have to post regularly now.

Welcome to my world...what happens in my head will more than likely be shared here! G is for Gay...but it's also for Greg or Greeg - me. I always seem to sign my emails with just a g, so it seemed appropriate to incorporate that into my blog, somehow. I once jokingly said to a friend that if I ever had a blog, I would title it G is for GAY and I would put up all kinds of information about what celebs I had knowledge of that were GGGGGGAY. Don't think that's where this is headed, but it made for a catchy headline! (rest assured E, you will still get all the inside scoop!)

Not really sure where this is going or what I'll be talking about here, but for those of you that know me, you know my thoughts are random and without any rhyme or reason sometimes!

I'm keeping this one short, as I have a ton to try and get done today and tomorrow before I leave for San Francisco for 10 days for work! (Don't worry, I'll be posting here and with pics - bear with me though - a little new to this regular blogging thing!)