keeping things at bay...

depression sucks!

it doesn't look like I got the job I'd been interviewing for and was excited about...
I haven't heard from the boy I've been seeing in a while despite an incredible date on tuesday night and a huge connection...
I have to work tomorrow for most of the day...

I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night, trying to keep depression at bay...and it's so hard! I have cried three times this evening...not counting once at the gym while watching Father of the Bride Part 2 of all things!

How do I let myself get like this? Why do I let myself get like this? Why can't I learn to not get so attached, or not to get attached quickly? I just felt like J was as attached as I was...if not more since he was doing equal amounts of reaching out and staying connected.

Crying sucks...and I don't know how to stop myself. Maybe I do need medication? Maybe I can't keep things at bay anymore. Maybe I need to stop pretending that everything is all right...it's not! I hate being shit on! I hate feeling like this! I hate that I don't seem in control of my emotions! I hate that I can't have a job that will let me have a life! I'm sick of this...

Maybe I just need a walk in the park...or a dog...which would be an excuse for a walk in the park...I just don't know anymore...and that's the part that sucks...we know how much I like not being in control. Why can't I just let go?