Anger...

i'm not so sure it's a useless emotion as some people claim. I know that I probably shouldn't be, but I'm a little angry. I'm feeling a little betrayed. I am worth more than I've been given and I don't know what to do, say or feel anymore. Someone told me last night, that "any boy that makes you cry, isn't worth crying over." I'm not sure I fully agree with that at this point, but I'm starting to see the sense in it.

I'm angry that I don't know if I have a boyfriend or not anymore, I'm angry that it's been more than a week since I've seen him, more than a week since I last actually talked to him, and a week now since I last heard from him. I'm angry that he didn't let me in. I know that he must care about me since he sent me the message to at least let me know what was going on...but how much does he care about me if it's been all this time and he hasn't even bothered to check in, or let me know he's okay.

I don't know which is better...the tears I've already shed and the small pieces that have been ripped out of my heart already, or the fact that now it's been replaced with anger. I miss him, every day. Is that because I don't know if we're still a couple, or he's still my boyfriend, or is it because I really care for him. I think it's a little from column A and a little from column B.

I'm angry that I thought myself a bad person yesterday, because I came to the conclusion that if he comes back and only wants to be friends, I can't do that. I can't do that to my heart. I care about him as more than a friend, and if that's all he can handle, I understand. But, I can't. I can't just be his friend. I didn't start dating him to become his friend. Yesterday I thought I was a bad person for thinking that, because he obviously needs friends, today, the anger is maybe letting me see clearer. It's letting me see that I need to take care of and protect myself, and my heart.

I'm angry because all of this searching for a therapist has turned up nobody that my insurance covers, including people on the list that the insurance company sent me! what's that about? hello...gay man in crisis here...needs a therapist!!! :-) Shopping isn't therapy anymore!

I've been listening to this song alot, not by the original artist (Ben Harper) but a dancier mix by someone named Peyton...not sure how I found it...but glad that I did...I'll Rise

You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies,
you may trod me down in the very dirt.
And still like the dust, I'll rise.
Does my happiness upset you?
Why are you best with gloom cause I laugh,
like I've got an oil well pumpin' in my living room?

So you may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

Now did you want to see me broken,
bowed head and lowered eyes,
shoulders fallen down like teardrops,
weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my confidence upset you?
Don't you take it awful hard cause I walk,
like I've got a diamond mine breakin' up in my front yard.

So you may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

So you may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies.
You may trod me down in the very dirt.
And still like the dust, I'll rise.
Does my happiness upset you?
Why are you best with gloom cause I laugh,
like I've got a goldmine diggin' up in my living room.

You may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

You may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
I gonna rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.