Happy Christmas!!

"Me? I'll be just fine and dandy, Lord, it's like a Hard Candy Christmas..."

I'm a little late getting this year's Holiday letter posted. You'd think since I took it virtual a few years ago, and didn't actually type and mail them, it would be a much easier process. I procrastinated - this year I actually got my cards out before I even sat down to do this letter. It happens. I've had an amazing year and I cannot believe that 2012 is almost over. I have traveled for work and met up with friends along the way - lots of them! I've traveled to far off places and magical lands.

The year started on a somber note as Billy Elliot on Broadway played it's final performance on 8 January. I was sad to see the run end here, but it was an amazing show to be a part of. It lives on in other places and my time with Billy is not done yet.

what can I say, the trees in the Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse are always so gorgeous

I started the year's travel with a trip in February to Phoenix, AZ. I checked in on Elphaba and Glinda (that's Glinda, the GA is silent) and got to see my cousin Doug and his family - it had been so long since I had seen them - the kids are so big now!

Onto Long Beach, CA for a conference and presentation in March and spending time with Eric. Took a long weekend after the conference and spent some time in Los Angeles with JD and Eric since I had not been able to see them recently. I apparently got the bestest presents ever for the nephews when I got them Lucha Libre masks as souvenirs. For so early in the year, that was a lot of pressure.

April took me off to London. I know you're asking - aren't I tired of going to London all the time by now? I'm not. I LOVE it there. I've made some great friends there and always have something to do with my time - other than shopping, and boys, and work. I still have tons to see and do there. I was able to see Billy learn to dance Express himself and checked in our tattooed up Fiyero - that was a great casting choice!

Miles wrapped himself up with a bow for Christmas

May saw me down in Raleigh-Durham again to check in Glinda's bubble and Elphaba's broom.. I got to see Chris and Kyle again and visit a place I'd spent some time in recently. Was nice to be there and in and out, not for an extended stay.

Was back across the pond in June for a quick check in before the Olympics took over and nobody wanted any part of good old London town. I got to see my friends and some of the jubilation for the Queen's Jubilee and the excitement building up for the games. I'm glad I got well out before they started.

July was relatively quiet - I took a vacation. Christopher and I spent a week in the city by the Bay. We stayed in Union Square - in the heart of everything. We went shopping, explored all the sights, sounds and food, saw the Castro during the day and at night, went shopping, wandered around Alcatraz (that island is so bloody cold!!!) and, oh, did I mention shopping? We got to spend some time with Eric as well, and that was a nicely timed coincidence.

August meant a long weekend up in the hills and solitude of Vermont with the boys. Mike, Matt, Richie, Brian, Chris and I went up for some shopping (go figure - and are you sensing the theme?), relax and just get away from it all! Thanks for the use of the cabin Grams...totally put me in a different mood and perspective when I returned!

A little disco ball and some Christmas baubles at the Apple Garden in Covent Garden

October took me to Baltimore, MD where I again checked in on the Witches of Wicked, spent some time wandering around the Bay and got to see my friend Rich for a bit of time. Was nice to see him again and spend even a few hours with him. I always love connecting with friends when I'm on the road, makes the travel all worth while! After Baltimore, I was home for a bit and then was off to Las Vegas, NV. I could tell you what happened there, but there's a strict code I had to sign, and I really don't need that kind of trouble in my life!

November took me off to Seattle, WA and I was able to work and then also see Helen and Doug and meet their kids. We were trying not to count at dinner how long we'd been out of college, because it simply cannot be that long. We must have graduated at 12 or something. That's two years in a row that I've been able to catch up with Doug and Helen when traveling, so I'm wondering where the next city will find us connecting!

At the end of November I flew off to jolly old England for the last trip of the year. I was able to be there for all of the Fairy lights again. I was actually there for 3 weeks. Lots to do...lots to do. It was a really long trip, but such a worthwhile one. I was able to get so much done with both shows there - see both Billy sing and dance and the witches of Oz discover their power of friendship. (I can do choreography folks). I was able to see my friend Colm and spend some time with him, see the Spice Girls musical, Viva Forever, and even the wizarding world of Harry Potter after my friend Alex joined me in London.

Hogwart's Tree

No matter where or how far I traveled this year, a stuffed Chistery monkey flew with me. He was in my carry on bag, and popped out for photo ops where-ever he could. Connor, Logan and Miles might not have Flat Stanley - but that doesn't mean that Uncle Greg can't give them places all over the world to show off!

If I get to enjoy the ClubHouse, so does Chistery

I have learned to run barefoot this year, thus improving my time, my running, my stamina and my overall athletic ability. I have been running around in little 5 toed shoes all year (and getting stared at quite at bit in them in London, might I just add). They freak me out too, but the philosophy of barefoot running is actually quite amazing, and I discovered muscles I didn't know I had. I had an amazing running coach who worked with me and took me from an amateur to a competitor without injury (if you know how much of a clutz I can be, that is saying something). I have also been hard at work at my overall fitness this year, in addition to the barefoot running. I have managed to drop about 15lbs since the beginning of September and am really excited about that. There's a bit more to go, but the road is paved and the path is clear!

My nephews came back down to the city after a 3 (or so) year hiatus to see the giant tree in Rockefeller Center and the Skating Rink and we spent a nice, albeit cold, afternoon wandering around the city and watching Connor and Logan in awe of all the stuff they could see. I don't think they paid attention to anything in front of them the whole afternoon - there was always something else to see!

Connor and Logan with Uncle Greg at the giant tree

I'm back where I grew up for Christmas. I'm not sure if the place has changed, but I have over all the years. Santa is alive and well again and will be visiting the house any hour now to leave lots of toys and goodies for the kids. I can't wait to see the looks of amazement on their faces as they see all of the goodies in front of them...it's what Christmas is all about - the wonderment and happiness of a child!

Happy Christmas to one and all and all the best for a truly amazing New Year!

"This Winter's Night, icicle lights will trim the tree...this winter's night..."

There's nowt so Queer As Folk

It's an odd northern English saying, that basically translates to people are strange. It was co-opted for the British series Queer as Folk and then the American remake. There's been an issue with my cable the last few days, and I haven't had cable or internet since returning from San Fran. It's working now thanks to the tech replacing some part on the connector outside my apt, who knew?

Anyway, the past few days have seen me watching the original British series in it's entirety and then the first series of the American re-boot. I had never watched all of the British original before and was really impressed. There were aspects that I enjoyed more than the American version. It definitely felt more rushed though.

What the hell am I going on about you're probably wondering right now. Well, in watching the series originally years ago I always wondered which of the boys I most identified with. I knew my answer back then, Michael. Lately though, I don't know if that's true.

Sometimes I'm Justin - young and naive and willing to believe things to be true that clearly are not. I'm not Justin often, the jaded, cynical New Yorker won't let me be...but sometimes.

Sometimes I'm Emmett - my flame burns bright and if you're in the path, it will either show you the light or burn you...so beware.

Sometimes I'm Debbie - colourful and full of advice, whether you want it or not.

Sometimes I'm Vic - too old for this shit and all the games that get played.

Sometimes I'm Ted - anal retentive and unwilling to let go and have fun, unwilling to believe someone might be interested in me because that's not usually the case.

Sometimes I'm Michael - the faithful sidekick, always lurking in the shadows, perhaps afraid of the spotlight. Wanting a relationship, but not thinking he is deserving of one.

Sometimes I'm Brian - the narcissistic playboy. Sleeping with any hot boy in his path, unafraid to tell the truth, even if it hurts (although needing to be weary of the delivery of such barbs) and un-apologetic. Always in the spotlight and the center of attention. The way it should be. Never wanting to be tied down.

I used to think I was just Michael...with maybe a little Justin and maybe a little Ted...now I see that I am a combination of all of them...and Brian, believe it or not is the more dominant personality, especially when I travel and go out and about on my own. I've grown since the series first aired. I've matured. Other parts of my personality have developed. I'm not one character anymore, I'm all of them...the good and the bad. I've become more self-confident, and surprisingly, still need to work on being more like Brian in that regard. I am a good catch...now others need to see it. I don't need to show them, they need to see it, I know it's true. While, unlike Brian, I want to settle down and have a relationship, I need be more like him and put myself out there to get one or it will never happen...

there's nowt so queer as folk...and the things we can learn from them...

Playing Golf...

No, I don't play. I've never had the interest or desire to learn or want to play. There's nothing wrong with the sport, it's just that if I want to do something to decompress, for me, that's not walking around in spikes chasing a little ball. I've become a huge fan of the new TV show The Newsroom. I didn't want to like it. I didn't want a show to have to DVR and follow. I liked it, despite not wanting to. Anyway, on a recent episode Jane Fonda's character tells a joke about Jesus and Moses playing golf, the punchline of which is "Look, you wanna play golf, or you wanna fuck around?"

I loved the line at the time I first heard it and the more and more I've tossed it around my head the more I've grown to realize that it's a very defining line. I'm at a point right now that I have the hugest of crushes on someone. I have for a while. He's caught me staring (and not broken eye contact by the way). He's mentioned me to a mutual friend, my running coach, who insists that he has definitely noticed me. He's a trainer at the gym. I get so intimidated - I'm not that guy. I'm not the gym bunny...I go, I work out and I go where I need to next. I don't get that kind of attention, and that's okay with me, so when I do, I don't know what to do.

This kind of crush hasn't happened to me in the longest of times. I don't know how to react to it. I get all tongue tied, my heart races, I get sweaty when he gets near. I've only ever managed to say hello and thanks to him. I need to say more. I need to buck up and not be a 5th grade school girl. Do I wanna play golf or do I wanna fuck around? Well, I'm sick of fucking around...so I guess I need to step up and play golf!

Two Sides to Every Coin

okay, first of all it's been way too long since I've just got the thoughts out. Way too long. I've been on the road again, and planned a vacation for later this month (I had to look up what vacation meant too, don't worry). It's not an excuse, one of my goals for this year was to be more active on here. I'm dropping this line now...if you are at all under the impression that I am virginal and pure, stop reading now and go here.

If you're still reading, you are not under the impression that I am virginal. Good. I'm not. When I'm on the road for work, I have no problems going out to the bar, meeting new people and hooking up. No problems. None. My track record is quite good, well above average, in some places better than others. When it comes to putting myself out there to date, I tend to become shy and introverted. I don't know why and I've been trying to figure it out.

I think it's because when I am interested in someone, I want to know them better, it's not all about the sex. When it's just a hook up, I know it's just all about the sex. I don't care about just the sex. Wait, that sounds wrong. I mean, I like sex, I'm a gay guy. I just don't need to care about the sex. That's a huge step from where I was about 13 years ago, where the two were far more intertwined. That's the crux of my problem I think. When I approach the situation as just sex/a hookup/casual it's easy, I'm confident. It's sex. I know what I'm doing and how much fun it can and will be. When I want more than just sex, there's more riding on the outcome and I become shy and introverted. (I know, some of you don't know that side of me so you're a bit confused...sorry).

It's harder to say hi to someone I am interested in with the potential for more than sex than it would be if I knew it were just sex. Sex I can get anytime...I want the connection with a person for the relationship to have a chance...even if it's only one date. That's what makes me nervous I guess. I don't know how the other person feels...what they are thinking about the situation, about me. If I know I'm just getting sex...so easy. Now I just need to learn how to say hello outside of that scenario...or I'll never get another date!

Questions without answers...

I know I'm not alone, but sometimes I ask myself questions that have no answers. Questions that don't need to be asked. That aren't healthy to ask. That don't need answers, because whatever the answer isn't going to change the situation. I need to stop asking those questions. I need to stop wondering. It doesn't do me any good - it doesn't lead me to a healthy place. It doesn't help.

For example - asking why you get invited to some events and not others. Why friends sometimes invite you and sometimes don't. What if I had never moved here, or worked there? Why some people make more money. Why do some friends only tell you things that they want you to hear? How come with some friends it's always on their terms? What you have to do to get ahead. Where life will take you next. Who does this person think they are? Why is this happening. Just a random selection of questions that fit the bill. They all have answers. Do you need to know them? Will the answers make the situation any different? Will the answers make you feel better? Probably not. So why ask them in the first place? They just lead you down a path of never-ending questions that have no solid answers...so why ask them in the first place.

As Annie aptly points out, perhaps it's because "somethings are better left unsaid but they still turn me inside out..."

Wonder

There are a ton of things that make me pause with wonder. More lately than before it seems, and I'm not sure why. I wonder why if more people are traveling by air, the flights are not as frequent and they cost more. I wonder what gave the planners of Central Park the forethought to know that a giant park in the middles of New York City would provide city dwellers with a sense of purpose and community for so long. I wonder what it would be like to be rich. I wonder what it would be like to live in London. I wonder if I can ever get past my emotional eating habits. I wonder if I'll ever have a flat stomach and muscles. I wonder if I'm on the right path.

I wonder why some people are friends for a lifetime and others only for shorter bursts. I wonder why, regardless of length those friends make a meaningful impact on your life. I wonder why it is that some friends can be closer than family.

I wonder why music and art can make such a lasting impression on the human spirit but sometimes a person cannot. I wonder why we are drawn to different types of music and art and why others are not appealing in the slightest. I wonder why we like some foods and not others. I wonder why our tastes change over time.

Lately, I find myself wondering about excuses. Why do we make them? Why do we need them? Why do we bother? I know that I have made excuses in the past. We all have. I also know there are things in my life that I have done, both good and bad, that I would like to remember or forget and that regardless, I can still play over and over in my head. I am trying not to make excuses for myself anymore. I am responsible for all of my actions. Not my past. Not the voices in my head (call them personalities, spirits, the devil, evil, good - call them whatever you like). Not my friends, for no matter how close a friend or how powerful an influence they have on my life, I made the decisions I made - not them. I am responsible for the actions and decisions I have made in my life and if I want to move past them, I need to not wonder what excuses I can use - but I need to acknowledge and accept them and move on. I don't wonder about that, not anymore.

WDCT - Episode 1

Where does Chistery Travel? I was in London for work recently and picked this stuffed Chistery doll up at Wicked London. I had intentions on giving it to my youngest nephew, Miles.

the view from the Virgin Atlantic Club House in Heathrow

In fact, I was pretty intent on him getting it. I stowed it in my carry on when I checked my bags on the flight home. Then, I was sitting sipping tea in the Virgin ClubHouse and a thought passed through my brain.

you can't go to the Club House and not sit in one of the iconic bubble chairs

I couldn't stop it - Chistery came out of the carry on and I started snapping pictures. I thought it would be really cool if I started taking Chistery with me on my travels and snapping pictures along the way. A bit like a Flat Stanley - only something my nephews could enjoy following along with.

the Upper Class seats are so comfortable

I don't think they really understand what it is what Uncle Greg does. I know they don't really understand what Wicked or Billy Elliot is - or have even heard the music. I do know they know about Flying Monkeys - the Chistery character in Wicked.

you can't sit in Upper Class and not have a drink at the bar...

Since Uncle Greg works on Wicked all over the place, and they don't have stuffed Billy Elliot dolls, I thought this was the next best solution. So...without further ado, I give you the first of Chistery's adventures on the road. He thoroughly enjoyed his Upper Class journey from Heathrow to JFK - and there are many more adventures to come.

after all that...it's bed time for Chistery

Special thanks and shout outs to Danny and Louisa in Upper Class on Virgin Atlantic Flight VS9 from LHR to JFK who helped get all the pictures in flight. This is for my nephews, whom I love dearly - I hope they enjoy Chistery's adventures and all the photos along the way. Miles - you might get Chistery, eventually. Miles, Logan and Connor - Uncle Greg loves you.

Strongly worded letter

There's that moment in the film Titanic that Jack says to Rose, reflecting on their current predicament - afloat in the North Atlantic, waiting to be rescued - "I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star line."

I use that phrase now all the time now. When I become frustrated with customer service, or lack thereof. When any number of things a company could be doing better are just not being done. I joke around with friends when we don't get great service that we should write a strongly worded letter. There are a ton of scenarios that this has become my go to line for. I've never actually done it, until recently.

I am a loyal Virgin. No, not that kind. I am loyal to the Virgin airline brand. I fly Virgin Atlantic overseas to London. I am a member of their Flying Club. I've gone gold and accumulated status with them. Virgin America doesn't fly everywhere I need them to, but when I am going somewhere they do fly, I do my best to take their flights and earn more miles and points. I am a loyal Virgin.

I have only been Gold since December, but have been a loyal Virgin for a few years. It's how they treat me as a customer. I have never felt anything but valued as a loyal customer. I recently flew to LAX on Virgin America. I checked in and proudly showed my Flying Club Gold card to make sure they have my number on file. That status helped me get an exit row window seat - those are reserved for members with status or for an extra cost. I boarded in group E. How many boarding classes does Virgin America use? A, B, C, D and E. I boarded the plane last - even with my status. I didn't think anything of it, and just boarded the plane. I checked in at LAX and again my status got me an exit row window seat, but I still boarded in Group E. Last. I watched people with no loyalty to the Virgin brand board the plane with more priority than me.

Now, why am I not an Elevate member (Virgin America's flying program), you ask? Well, when I joined Virgin Atlantic's program, they were in the midst of merging all of their programs (Flying Club on VAtlantic, Elevate on VAmerica and Velocity on VAustralia) meaning that I could accumulate miles and points on my Virgin Atlantic Flying Club no matter which airline I flew. I could also then spend those miles on any of the three airlines. You can't accumulate miles on more than one program at a time, and if you could use your miles across the board on all of the airlines, why would I be a member of all 3? I chose to just keep my Flying club membership and rack up my miles and points there.

If your programs are all about encouraging brand loyalty, why would you not reward that? I am not asking for a free First Class upgrade or anything like that. I'm asking for a little priority boarding for being loyal to the Virgin brand and I was disappointed that people that had never flown Virgin (any airline) before were boarding before I was as a loyal customer. Am I wrong?

I've written my strongly worded letter to Virgin America, and have sent a copy to Virgin Atlantic. I don't know what will happen with it, but I do know that I felt better afterward. I still LOVE the Virgin brand, and will continue to use Virgin Atlantic when I fly to London, I'm just disappointed with my lack of recognition for my loyalty to the brand.

Life in Exile...

I have to preface this - I LOVE my job. I really do. I enjoy what I do, I enjoy that I get to travel all over the place - I love my job. I HATE my new office space. I work in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the country and space is at a premium. I had an amazing office, with a window (that opened) and a view of a rooftop garden.

Since there is so much construction going on and things are moving and changing, a lot of people have been temporarily relocated. My dept is among them. We all lost our offices and our space and have been moved to cubicle city. It's not the cubicle that I mind (granted, there is no privacy, you can hear everything everyone else is doing and people walk by talking at the top of their lungs on the way to their offices), but our location is horrid. We are in an outskirts building now. It feels like exile. It's added 10 minutes onto the commute in the morning. It's part of Rockefeller Plaza, but it's not 30 Rock anymore. There are windows, but they are all partially blocked by cubicle walls (really? who designed that?). The overhead lighting is making my brain and eyes hurt and it's sooooo warm over here. I used to be able to open my window to regulate the temperature a bit, but that option is gone. Despite all of those things, we've all made our new environment work, and it is nice to be with everyone on the team on the East Coast instead of all of us occupying different areas of the building.

I hate that it feels like exile. Most of the company is buildings and plazas away. We are an island unto ourselves over here, and it feels like that. It's kind of like Alcatraz - you know, it's part of the amazing city of San Francisco...but not really at all. That's what it feels like to work over here...alcatraz...exile...or my new cubicle 1002N1.

What's it gonna take?

Sometimes I wonder...nothing major, nothing official, I just wonder. What does it take? Things can seem so easy these days we have smartphones and can access information on the go, we have twitter and can talk to friends in other countries in real time, we can instant message, we can blog. We can socially interact in more ways than ever before. How come then it's so hard to get a date? I am a great catch, and I know that. Maybe that's what makes me wonder...what does it take. How hard is it to find someone that wants to get to know me and wants to be with me? Have I lost all my chances? I'm not ready to give up, but it's incredibly frustrating. I don't want someone that just wants in my pants...I want someone that wants in my pants AND in my head and heart...what's it gonna take?

Valentines Day

I was thinking about the artificial holiday dedicated to love a lot yesterday, after all, it was Valentine's Day. I celebrated the day in high school, when I had girlfriends...in the typical, sugary-sweet high school fashion. In college, when I was figuring myself out and NOT dating anyone, as well as being an RA and wanting to offer those that didn't have the typical lovey-dovey date, I used to sponsor Anti-Valentine's Day parties every year. We'd watch a scary movie, have food and then throw darts at a giant billboard covered in valentines day cards. As I grew up, I celebrated fewer and fewer Valentine's Days until they just became another day on the calendar. I celebrated a handful of times as an adult, when I was dating someone at the time. I have one fond memory of Valentine's Day, when I was dating Tony, but the rest are a blur. I know we celebrated, as that's what couple's do. I think I remember the VDay with Tony, only because it was the last time I really celebrated the day - and that was almost 10 years ago.

I'm not really against VDay, but I'm not really for it either. If you're in a relationship, shouldn't you make the person you're with feel special every day? Shouldn't every day be a celebration of your love? Why should you wait for one day to have a big, all out celebration? Anniversaries I get. Birthday's I get. But a special day to take your sweetheart on a date and buy them flowers, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't get it. I look at relationships differently I guess. I want the person I'm with to know that I cherish them everyday - not just VDay. Maybe it's because I'm single. Maybe I'm just warped...

Perhaps it's because, in my family, we have a big celebration on the 15th of February every year. We mark the day that my sister came into our lives. It's not her birthday, there are no presents, although there is cake - strawberry frosting. My sister is adopted, and she was 3 months old on the day that she came into our lives, and every year since, we have had a celebration to mark the occasion. That was always worth celebrating more to me anyway...

Freedom

There's a lot of talk these days about freedom. It is an election year after all, and all of the candidates would like to convince us that they believe in the freedom they preach about. We are, after all, the land of the free and the home of the brave. Are we though? I guess that comes down to where you fall on the spectrum of political beliefs. I'm a liberal - I make no qualms about that. There are a few things that puzzle me about the conservatives though. They're the ones that are fighting for a candidate these days.

As a student of political science, a conservative believes in personal responsibly, limited government, a free market, individual liberty, strong national defense and traditional American Values. They also believe that the role of government should be to provide people the freedom necessary to pursue their own goals and conservative policies generally emphasize the empowerment of the individual to solve problems.

Gee, this sounds swell you're thinking. Even I, reading that, think - this is not bad. These are all good things. After all, who doesn't believe in traditional American Values? What's wrong with a Free Market? What's wrong with empowering individuals to solve problems? Nothing - if you give them the appropriate options to solve those problems. Only offering one solution to a problem does not empower an individual.

Let's examine for a moment what the conservatives screaming at the top of their lungs are trying to do these days.

They want the Federal Government to define marriage as between one man and one woman.
They want the Federal Government out of Healthcare.
Most of them want abortions outlawed.
They believe that more guns in the hands of more people will help to lower crime.
They believe in securing our borders and preventing illegal immigration with a fence.
They believe that the Constitution does not officially sanction the separation of church and state and see no issue with God being a part of or system.
They believe in lower taxes and a smaller government, with limited power.

So...how is it that they want the government to ban same sex marriage? How is it that they want to tell women that they can't get birth control or have an abortion? How is it that they want to determine what's appropriate to watch on television or view on the internet? How is this limited government? If a conservative truly believe that the government, specifically the federal government, should not be intruding on their personal affairs, how does this sync up? I don't get it.

How can you be so passionate about freedom and yet want to decide whom I can marry, what I can watch or view or what a woman can do with her body if she's pregnant? How is that free?

Civility

I have to ask - when did civility die? I know - you're thinking, I'm the hardened New Yorker, the bitch, the one who tells it like it is. All of these things are true, but that doesn't mean that I am not courteous and civil to people. The world would be a much different place if we were all a bit more civil towards each other - despite differences.

Let's just examine my day, shall we. I was crossing the street to get to the subway and go to work, and a woman with her head in her iPhone wasn't paying attention, so I moved out of her way (at the last minute, but I still moved) and she raises her head and lets out a torrent of why the hell didn't you get out of my way sooner? Really? Why weren't you paying attention and then I wouldn't have had to deviate from my course? I smiled and kept walking. And, really, who should have been apologizing in this situation.

I'm exiting the subway at Columbus Circle to change trains and get slammed into by two different people forcing their way onto the train as soon as the doors opened, rather than letting those of us that needed to exit the train off first. Waiting until people have exited the train usually works better folks. Not even one, I'm sorry or excuse me...just slam through me. I didn't think the commute had become a mosh pit.


I picked up my coffee and went up to my office. I press my floor, and am told what elevator to go to. I board the elevator when the doors open and it starts whisking my to my floor. I get run into as I'm exiting the elevator because, again, someone was there, just waiting for the doors to open and didn't even bother to check and see if anyone was in the elevator before plowing ahead. I'm going to go there...it was an intern. And then I heard it - she was talking to another intern with her. "Who do these staffers think they are, I mean we all need the elevator, they should know when to exit." EXCUSE ME? Well...I'm a bit riled at that point and, sorry to say dear intern, but your actions and then attitude got you reported to HR and your supervisor - yes, I do know who you are interning for.

The day didn't get much better at the gym. I'm changed, putting the last of my belongings into the locker before locking it and going out to meet the trainer on the floor. A gentleman comes in with his trainer and proceeds to shout through me to his trainer standing on the other side of me and then pushes my stool out of the way (not empty, water bottle, gloves, book all sitting on it) and exclaims, "Christ, what does it take to get to my locker." I just shake my head, and think to myself, excuse me, but are you getting ready to leave, can I get into my locker. I'm thinking a multitude of things, but I just pick up my stuff from the floor, lock my locker and leave the locker room. I get pushed by my trainer, have a great session thanks to having frustration to work out and then go back into the locker room to change. I'm almost at the point where I'm leaving. A completely different gentleman comes in with his workout partner. I still have a few things on the stool to put in my bag and my coat in the locker. He proceeds to just peel off his sweaty clothes and pile them on top of my things on the stool. I've about lost it at this point. I just take a breath and look at him square in the eye and say, "Excuse me, but might I get my stuff from underneath your sweaty clothes?" To which he responds, "where the fuck did you think I should put my stuff?" Well, anywhere but on top of mine, or how about asking me politely to move mine before you start to cover it. No...you just started piling on top. You're damn lucky it wasn't on top of my good bag or coat or you would have been walking out with a few less teeth of broken fingers.

When did respect and civility die? Where did it go? Is it really that difficult to say Excuse Me or I'm sorry when you bump into someone, or ask if the stool is taken, or if you can move it to get into your locker or pile you stuff on top of it? Maybe it's just the day I've had...but I really think civility has left New York City...and I don't know where it's gone.

Perception

Are you liberal or conservative? Republican or Democrat? Are you religious or athiest? Is that song about love or loneliness? Are you bigoted or just opinionated? Is the Bible real or just another work of fiction? Are we able to be independent thinkers and realize that everything contained within the Bible is a guideline, and just as times change so does our interpretation of the contents of the Bible? Sometimes it's all a matter of perception. Even the most conservative of Republicans can be accused of being liberal...the horrors...if a more conservative person disagrees with them. Conversely, a liberal Democrat may be accused of being conservative if they say something more conservative than another liberal. It's all about perception. If you are spiritual, but not necessarily religious, are you an atheist - to the religious zealot you may be. Perception.

"Still, the Bible is like a mirror. You end up reading it not as a reflection of how it is but of how you are. If you're a bigoted, narrow person, you will find bigotry in the Bible." Daniel Tammet

Recovery

I think I talked about it before, but I started the year out by trying barefoot running. Not barefoot, but with those creepy 5 toed shoes. I know, they're creepy...I even think that. But, I had always wanted to try them, they'd be easy to pack when I travel and could save weight and space. I had a gift card I needed to use and decided that I would try them. I had a session with a trainer to talk about stretching and how to use them properly. I geared up and got ready to go. I started running, slowly. I felt it in my calves. I loved it. I could feel every muscle moving. I could really tell the difference when I ran. I was working back up to my former speeds...and it happened. I fell victim to tendonitis. It happens quite frequently it appears with barefoot runners when they first start running. I've been taking it easy and trying not to run and have gone back to sneakers for my work outs while I heal and recover, but it sucks. I want to get back on the wagon and run in them again. I want to be ready to go. I want to be healed. I'm trying not to push it. I haven't run in days and it so sucks!!

Apologies and Foregiveness

When someone offers you a sincere apology - do you forgive and forget? Do you forgive and move on? Do you forgive and continue to hold the grudge?

A bit of self disclosure here - I'm a scorpio, and like many scorpio's I can hold a grudge with the best of them. And as Bette Midler says in Beaches "My memory is long, its very, very long..."

I've been doing some work on myself - a lot over the past few years - and one of the things I'm working on is letting go. Its not as easy as it sounds. I'm an emotional hoarder. Every little betrayal, stab in the back., lie, hurt and abuse is stored in my brain and I can play them over and over again.

In an effort to be a better person though, as some of them come up, I've processed them - thought about how I felt, what put me in that position, what I could have done differently and then dragged them to the trash bin of my mind - in hopes of forgetting them and no longer trying mend a past I cannot change.

Sometimes its a successful effort - a few times, I have to process again. What has all of this brought up for me though? My ability to forgive, but not always forget. I'm trying to get better at the forgetting part - and clearly we aren't talking about serious issues here - like ruined my life or anything like that. Much smaller slights in the grand scheme of things. I've been working harder on the forgive and forget concept - there is a reason you (collectively) are in my life and why I want to keep you in my life - so if I haven't walked away over this incident - why am I holding a grudge or forgiving and moving on when I should be forgiving and forgetting?

I'm getting there - I wish others would too - the world - or at least my part of it, would be a much better place!

Lists...

As long as I can remember, I have been a fan of lists. You can cross things off and have a sense of accomplishment for completing something. You can see what progress you've made and how much more is left to finish. It lets you know where you stand. I make lists all the time. It's a habit. A friend recently turned 40 and has made a list of 40 things he wants to do this year, all before he turns 41. Hearing about that got me thinking - I'll be 40 soon - 21 months. There are a few things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 40. I can't even think about completing 40 things in one year, if I can't finish 40 in 21 months. So I've set out upon my journey. I've made my list of 40 things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 40. Well, I've started the list. There are about 20 things on it so far, and it keeps growing. I seem to find things every few days or so that I want to add to the list. Some things are easy, some are a bit more difficult. Some involve travel, some just involve doing something.

I'm looking forward to actually checking things off this list and saying, with a huge sense of accomplishment that I finished it - before the big 40 rolls around. I am not dreading 40 - I didn't dread 30. I'm looking forward to it actually. I'm looking forward to completing all of those things on my list and being able to hit 40 with a huge sense of accomplishment of all that I completed.

What are we really debating?

It's been a rough day for me, in terms of television viewing. You might scoff, but working in the industry - there's a television in the office. I usually have MSNBC on for the news. There are days (especially with all the hyped up political coverage and BS breaking news stories) that I can't watch the news anymore so I flick around the channels to try and find a marathon (SVU, Law and Order, Tabatha, NCIS - anything to escape the news). Today there was nothing. Wait, there was a marathon of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo. So if you don't want to watch the lies and the deceit and the hypocrisy...oh wait, switching to the RHOBH would be the same thing...never mind.

The Republican debate is on tonight and it's led me to wonder - we're down to 4 candidates now vying for the nomination, but what are we debating? Are we debating which of the four is the least hypocritical? Are we debating which of them is the least racist and homophobic? Are we debating which of them is the most conservative (which in turn, makes them the most racist and homophobic - usually)? Are we debating which of them wants to go up against President Obama in the election with the most altruistic of intentions?

If we were debating any or all of those things, we would not be giving these candidates a free pass on the answers that they give. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they stand up and at the top of their voice proclaim themselves to be a defender of the sanctity of traditional marriage when they themselves are on marriage number 3 after committing adultery twice. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when it's revealed they cheated the system and paid for non-campaign events with campaign funds. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they lie to the public and say that they didn't call for Congressional action, when it can easily be researched, that yes, indeed you did. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they say they have never been homophobic when, indeed, they have - repeatedly. We wouldn't be giving them a pass at all when they attack reporters because they don't like the question. Guess what - you're running for the highest office in the land, perhaps the world. You aren't always going to like the question you're being asked, and you don't get to just bully your way out of answering it.

What are we debating here folks? Blaming the other guy, blaming the incumbent and blaming the middle class is not debating...it's attacking without offering any of your own thoughts. If you'd all get your heads out of your asses long enough to formulate your own opinions and ideas instead of worrying about straying too far from your right leaning, conservative base we might be debating then, but that's hard to tell until it happens.  We can't all agree with each other, and compliment each other's ideas and not offer up any new ones other than criticisms of the current policies and call that a debate - that is just the Good Old Boys network on national television...

Motivation

Some people have it, some people don't. Some people find ways to motivate themselves to do things they might not want to do. Others struggle to find a motivating factor to keep things up. I guess that's why so many people start to hit the gym hard after the holidays, but by now have given up on that goal and have left the gym. I'm not going to lie - the gym is something I struggle with to stay motivated. I know that I have goals, and I know why I go to the gym. It's not for anybody else but me. I want to feel better about how I look and feel. That doesn't keep me motivated though, unfortunately. I have yet to find any motivation to keep me going to the gym - I go because I know it's something I need to do, like eating - but trust me, if there were a pill I could take and look good, I'd be so there. I hate the gym, but I still go. I always stand on the train on the way home and thing, what if I skip today, what would happen. And then I think about it for the 4 stops between work and the gym and I can never come up with a reason or an excuse to not go...so I go. I wouldn't call that motivation though - I don't even call it drive. I just go. I need to find something to motivate me to be there, I clearly haven't yet.

Where's my Loretta Castorini??

When I wake up, it's dark. When I leave the office, it's dark. I get up, get ready for work and go to work. I leave work and go to the gym and work out and go home. I make dinner and relax before I go to bed, to get up and do the same thing over the next day. Sometimes I wonder why. I know why I do to the gym...to keep myself healthy and to lose half my body fat (well, that's my current challenge). I know why I go to work. I know why I eat dinner. I know why I do all the things that I do...I just feel like that's all I do. I wonder why? I wonder what to change and how to change it. I need Loretta Castorini...I need a Snap Out of It! Moment.

Holiday Weekends

I always used to be one of those people that would go into the office on the a holiday Monday like this one. There's work that needs to be done...might as well go in and do it, right? It was quiet, there were no other distractions, I could get a bunch done. It got me nowhere - so why did I do it? I don't know. I'm not anymore. If it's a holiday, I'm taking the holiday. I have flown on holidays, worked on holidays because, where I was in the world for work, it wasn't a holiday. I don't know why or how it got that way, but it's not going to be that way anymore. I took today as a holiday. I slept in until 1130...made coffee, relaxed a bit and then went to the gym for some gym time...got a manicure, shopped a little and came home. Got groceries, made dinner and am relaxing again. Work will begin again tomorrow.

A Little Colour

I've been wanting to paint my room for what feels like forever! I had some basics in mind. It was going to have one wall a darker shade and that would be the colour of all the trim as well, and then all of the other walls would be a lighter colour. The shades would be in the brown and blue schemes. Then I just had to narrow it down. That was a tougher challenge than I thought. I have a handyman that worked on some projects for me and he and I sat down with all of the colour chips after I had it narrowed down to 4 different combinations. Shaved Chocolate is the brown and Porcelain is the blue (it's almost like Tiffany blue - although my roommate says it needs a bit more green for that). I love the colours and the combination. Now that a few of the walls are blue and the main wall is brown...all that's left is the trim and making it all look pretty. I've lived here almost 12 years and I finally have a room that's not the basic white...who knew. It's made all the difference in the world on my outlook and just the whole vibe in my room. Now when the light falls in through the freshly cleaned porticos and the walls are all full of colour I feel fresh and happy.

Reply All

It's one of those functions that you need to use sparingly. Just because the email was originally sent to a whole bunch of people, doesn't mean you need to reply all...use that function only when necessary, otherwise - just reply to those that need to know. And for F@#ks sake if you do reply all, make sure you read the email that you're replying to so you don't look or feel like an idiot by replying with a "You're Welcome" to a Thank You that wasn't meant for you...I'm just saying.

Pet Peeves...

Okay, I know that it's that time of the year. I know that a lot of you decided that it was the time to go back to the gym and get your fit on. Some of us are regular gym goers and are there regularly anyway, not just for a few weeks in January, so let's just discuss some common gym etiquette, shall we?

1) There are bins for your used towels - you don't get to leave wet towels in lockers, on the floor, on the hook in the showers, in the sauna or on the benches. When you're done with them, put them in the proper receptacle.

2) There are NO cell phones or cameras allowed in the locker room...if you are truly committed to your fitness goals, there's absolutely no reason to be sitting on the bench in the locker room for 20 minutes on your blackberry and if the conversation you're having on your iPhone is that important, finish it outside the gym before you come in - the rest of us don't want to hear your lovey-doveys or what company you're angling to take over next.

3) While we're chatting about cell phones - the benches, pec dec machine, stretching area, etc are not phone booths, and I have every RIGHT to ask you if I can work in or if you're using the machine if all you're doing is sitting there on a conversation for 5 minutes and not using the machine - and don't give me any shit about that either. You're not using it and I actually want to - so get out of my way. Now, if you're going to use the machine, that's great, but get off the cell phone and use it - but pick one - because you can't do both.

4) Respect the time limits that the gym sets on machines - especially during Peak Hours - they are there for a reason...so you can't take an hour on the treadmill if the time limit is 30 minutes during peak time...

5) Last, but by NO means LEAST - wipe down the damn benches and cardio machines when you're done with them. There are little wipes all over the damn gym, and you can get a towel - FREE - at the front desk. Pick one up when you check in and carry it with you...you're sweaty and gross (just like I am when I work out) so wipe up after yourself when you're done...I shouldn't have to wipe down the treadmill before I run because you soaked it to the core...it's your sweat...clean it up.

Okay...now, all of these things might not be available at your gym (towels, wipes, etc) but they are available at mine...and let's face it, I'm being a bit vain and narcissistic right now and talking about me and my gym. Every year, I seem to look forward to two things...the first week in January when a big tree comes down and work gets a bit easier to navigate and the beginning of February, when the weak are eliminated and stop coming to the gym...

Difficulty

So, I want to drop some body fat...that means that I need to be really conscious about what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat. We're not just talking meals, we're talking how much protein vs fat I'm getting. We're talking ratios and tracking calories and making sure that everything in my body is being worked off so I have a deficit at the end of the day and therefore burn the leftover fat that's already in my body...this is tough. I knew it wasn't going to be easy...but I've never done this much math just to eat before in my life! If I shed the bodyfat and lose some tonnage, I will be really happy and the work will all be worth it...

it takes work...

it takes work to have your hot water colder than your cold water. It takes work to let that happen for 36 hours. It takes work to post all kinds of signs about when, by law, the heat will be on and when it won't and also what temperature it will be, but not even post a sign that the heat and hot water are out, and when the estimated fix will take place. It takes work to be as incompetent as my management company and building super. It takes work to piss off an entire building in NYC, and trust me, after talking to a few other residents in the elevator on the way to the super, we're all pissed off. Seriously...it's more work to ignore all of us and the situation, not answer your door, or your phone than it is to print up a few signs and post them at the front door, the mailboxes and the elevator so people know what's going on. Just keep us informed...that's all...it's relatively simple.

Function over Fashion?

I don't consider myself a fashionista. I don't follow every trend, but I try and stay on top of what's fashionable. I dress for the occasion, and appropriately. I'm not a SATC girl. I do however, know that some things are not fashionable. Crocs are NEVER fashionable, and, unless your gardening should never be worn out of the home.

I broke down though, and bought some of those 5 toe/barefoot shoes. I'd heard mixed reviews about them...good and bad, but you hear that about everything these days. Eggs are good for you...eggs are bad for you. Who knows what to believe anymore. You have to do what works for you. Anyway...these 5 toe/barefoot shoes always creep me out...honestly. A few factors led to my decision to ignore fashion and go for function. They increase your running stamina, and you can actually run far more efficiently. They are light weight and can easily be packed inside other shoes - which means they are going to be amazing for traveling. I just need to get used to them, which means re-training myself and getting used to going for the distances I'm used to going and as quickly as I am accustomed to. A bit of time to get used to them and I'm right as rain...even though I feel like a right idiot in them...

Family Values

Why is it that you are "sticking up for Family Values" when you rail against gays getting married or adopting, YET, when we question how you can be a Family Values candidate after 2 divorces - we are the ones on the attcak?

How come you shout and scream that Family Values are paramount, YET, when we're questioning a value you've imposed on your family, we're on the attack? You put it out there.

How come Family Values means putting value on a family, YET, you want to destroy so many loving LGBT families?

How come you can quote Family Values as a reason for denying Marriage Equality, yet when we try and point out, that it's because of Family Values that we want to get married and raise kids we're taking things out of context?

How can you say that you are for Family Values and want to "defend marriage," YET only want to keep the LGBT community from getting married? You're not doing anything to outlaw divorces. I mean, we know I'm a slick, NYC liberal, so I might have this wrong, but I think divorce is doing more harm to traditional marriage than the loving gays that want that right.

How can you say you are for Family Values, yet want to cut public assistance? You do know that military families rely on food stamps at twice the rate of civilians? You do know that that assistance is what is helping some families stay afloat during these trying economic times, right? If you cut those programs, you would be hurting those families. How is that Family Values?


How can you say your are for Family Values and not support a woman's right to chose, but then demonize and demean her if she does get an abortion OR if she keeps the child and raises it as a single parent, outside your Family Values? She's in a no win situation.

How can you say you are for Family Values, YET, you try and force YOUR religious beliefs down everyone else's throat? Don't all families have the right to determine their own religion? Or did you mean that only if they chose yours?

How can I have been the product of a traditional family, full of the Family Values you espouse, yet I'm demonized by you now as a threat to society?

How can you say you are for Family Values at all?

The words I should have said...

the things I should have done. I try not to live my life looking backwards, replaying a situation in my head over and over again - wondering what would have happened if I had said this or done that. There are times though that I haven't done anything, haven't said anything and should have. I'm not looking back and pin pointing situations, but I'm just venting it all right now...getting it out in the open, letting it all air...and then letting it float away with the wind...into the ether...and out of my head.

I should have left the room, more than once, when you made bigoted comments, but didn't because I was afraid of what would be said. I should have not put up with the bigotry, but I did and dismissed it as just your way.

I should have told you how I felt about you...that I liked you, was attracted to you and intrigued by you...but I didn't and now you're dating someone.

I should have told you that it pissed me off that you chose to fuck around with someone you knew I was interested in, but chose to do it behind my back and then ask for my permission and pretend it hadn't happened yet.

I should have demanded that you tell me what I did to upset you and make you not speak to me, until you were on limited time, instead of letting you pawn it off as you were letting bygones be bygones and couldn't even remember what it was all over anyway. Bullshit...you knew, and you're not the only one...and you both pretended that you didn't, and one of you still pretends.

When you were flirting with me, I should have been braver and looked into those gorgeous eyes and amazing smile and flirted back.

I should have held you more, in the short time that you were with us...watched you coo and smile more...my little angel.

When you were staring at me, trying to will me to look up at you, I should have not buried my nose in my book...

I should have questioned why everyone I introduced to the group becomes closer to others and more distant from me once they're introduced...

I should have questioned you more...gotten more of your knowledge...learned more about what your life was like...and now I don't have the chance, and only have the limited stories that I remember...

I should have treasured more of the vacations we took as a kid...with the grandparents and without...to camp...and everywhere else, because now I look back and wish I had that time again...

I should have told you by now...all the times that we hang out...all the conversations...all the fun...that I'm interested and intrigued by you...and want to ask you out...

I should have not been afraid of reactions, rejection, confrontation or anger...and said and done the things I should have...but I didn't...and now they're out in the ether. Hopefully, when confronted with the situations again in the future, I will have the courage to say and do what I should...

Fit not Fat

it's become my new logo/words to live by for the new year. I have the goal of dropping 10% bodyfat by June 1, and I'm doing my best to meet that goal. It means that for right now, there's no ice cream, chocolate, not a lot of sugar...all things I like. I want to get to a good weight/bodyfat level that I can actually maintain without looking anorexic. I want to be around. I am sick of fighting my genes, and while I'm doing a better job than others...I want to kind of do a body reset by getting down the bodyfat and re-train my taste buds. It's not going to be easy and there will be a bunch that I am giving up, but I think it's worth it for my overall health.

I just watched a great video today, put together by a doctor, and the sole premise was please keep your sleeping and sitting to only 23 1/2 hours a day and use that extra 30 minutes to do something physical. When you put it that way...there really are no excuses to not work out regularly for at least 30 minutes a day. All makes sense!

someone like you

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you...I wish nothing but the best for you too. Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead."

If you've every heard Adele's hauntingly beautiful song Someone Like You you'll recognize those lyrics. Everyone reacts to music differently, but to me, that song is all about losing your first love. Being gay, it's rare that your first love is your last love, unless of course you're a lesbian and the Subaru is packed after the 2nd date - I kid (but only a little)! It's often a topic of conversation...do you love anyone as much as  you loved that first love? I would like to think so, but I also know that everyone is compared to that first love. I'm not sure that is a good or bad thing...it is what it is.

I long ago learned not the question the love that came into my life...and all the good and bad that came with it. You live, you love, you learn. You move on. You were loved, for however long. You hold your breath and wait for the next love, and along the way you get your heart broken (hopefully not much) and you learn to narrow down the field of suitors. Sometimes you feel like Blanche Devereaux with too many possibilities and other times you're Dorothy Zbornak - home alone on the couch on a Saturday night.

Despite it all, the ups and the downs...you keep your eyes looking straight ahead (you're too easily distracted by things passing by if you don't) and you hope that you catch the gaze of someone who's gaze you catch...the sparks will fly...the chemistry will be there...and then...I'll find someone like you...

Breaking Cycles...

I think that I have a tendency to hold onto things for sentimental reasons. I don't know why. I'm not a hoarder...my apt is not filled to the brim with boxes and bags of stuff that I'll never use or don't even know why I have them. I just sometimes hold onto things. I tend to put things in piles as I clean...to organize them. Sometimes those piles stay in one place for a while, other times they are dealt with swiftly. I'm keeping less and less these days. I get it from my grandmother and my Dad. I know that. My Dad could probably find you minutes from his very first school board meeting, if you needed him to and gave him time. Mind you, he was elected to the school board when I was in kindergarten...and lets just say I have been out of high school for 20 years now. I used to keep all the bills when I paid them...marked with when I paid and the check number and amount. Why? No clue. I had files and files of them that I finally had shredded and destroyed. I can look at the cancelled check and prove it was paid if I need to, and, thankfully, alot is paid online these days, so I don't have to keep those piles of paper anymore!

I love when I get rid of some piles...it feels less cluttered, more spacious. Now I just need to apply that to some other areas of my life...here's to hoping! Every week I watch Hoarders, I just think to myself...it's not me and I know that it isn't. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped giving my parents things/objects though. I send them to dinner for birthdays...a trip for their anniversary...a Broadway show for Christmas. Now I give them memories...which, in the long run, are better anyway!

Fit not Fat

That's what my motto for 2012 is going to be. I talked a bit yesterday about my resolutions, one of which is to drop 10% bodyfat by June 1. That's 5 full months. That's 2% per month. That's .5% a week. That's a lot of work. I'm sick of feeling fat though. Even if it is only gay fat/straight skinny, I'm sick of sitting down and feeling like I have a gut. I don't like that. I have wanted the bit of belly gone for a while now, but this is taking that to a whole new level. I've taken some before pictures, and I'll take a new picture on the 1st of every month to track my progress. I am assuming that I will be able to feel my progress more than see it at first, but in the end, it will all pay off. It means that my eating will be a bit restricted. Lots of protein, not a lot of fat. Not a lot of sugar and I'm not sure how I feel about unsweetened coffee...but if I'm going to make this work, I might have to get used to it. I really don't want to pull too much from my diet, as I don't feel like that is realistic. When I get to where I want to go and start eating what I like again, it's all going to come back. This has to be about a lifestyle change. This has to be about small indulgences and not huge ones. This has to be about calories in versus calories out. This is going to kick my ass...but hopefully, some of it will disappear!  =)