Sunday, July 8, 2012

Two Sides to Every Coin

okay, first of all it's been way too long since I've just got the thoughts out. Way too long. I've been on the road again, and planned a vacation for later this month (I had to look up what vacation meant too, don't worry). It's not an excuse, one of my goals for this year was to be more active on here. I'm dropping this line now...if you are at all under the impression that I am virginal and pure, stop reading now and go here.

If you're still reading, you are not under the impression that I am virginal. Good. I'm not. When I'm on the road for work, I have no problems going out to the bar, meeting new people and hooking up. No problems. None. My track record is quite good, well above average, in some places better than others. When it comes to putting myself out there to date, I tend to become shy and introverted. I don't know why and I've been trying to figure it out.

I think it's because when I am interested in someone, I want to know them better, it's not all about the sex. When it's just a hook up, I know it's just all about the sex. I don't care about just the sex. Wait, that sounds wrong. I mean, I like sex, I'm a gay guy. I just don't need to care about the sex. That's a huge step from where I was about 13 years ago, where the two were far more intertwined. That's the crux of my problem I think. When I approach the situation as just sex/a hookup/casual it's easy, I'm confident. It's sex. I know what I'm doing and how much fun it can and will be. When I want more than just sex, there's more riding on the outcome and I become shy and introverted. (I know, some of you don't know that side of me so you're a bit confused...sorry).

It's harder to say hi to someone I am interested in with the potential for more than sex than it would be if I knew it were just sex. Sex I can get anytime...I want the connection with a person for the relationship to have a chance...even if it's only one date. That's what makes me nervous I guess. I don't know how the other person feels...what they are thinking about the situation, about me. If I know I'm just getting sex...so easy. Now I just need to learn how to say hello outside of that scenario...or I'll never get another date!




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