The words I should have said...

the things I should have done. I try not to live my life looking backwards, replaying a situation in my head over and over again - wondering what would have happened if I had said this or done that. There are times though that I haven't done anything, haven't said anything and should have. I'm not looking back and pin pointing situations, but I'm just venting it all right now...getting it out in the open, letting it all air...and then letting it float away with the wind...into the ether...and out of my head.

I should have left the room, more than once, when you made bigoted comments, but didn't because I was afraid of what would be said. I should have not put up with the bigotry, but I did and dismissed it as just your way.

I should have told you how I felt about you...that I liked you, was attracted to you and intrigued by you...but I didn't and now you're dating someone.

I should have told you that it pissed me off that you chose to fuck around with someone you knew I was interested in, but chose to do it behind my back and then ask for my permission and pretend it hadn't happened yet.

I should have demanded that you tell me what I did to upset you and make you not speak to me, until you were on limited time, instead of letting you pawn it off as you were letting bygones be bygones and couldn't even remember what it was all over anyway. Bullshit...you knew, and you're not the only one...and you both pretended that you didn't, and one of you still pretends.

When you were flirting with me, I should have been braver and looked into those gorgeous eyes and amazing smile and flirted back.

I should have held you more, in the short time that you were with us...watched you coo and smile more...my little angel.

When you were staring at me, trying to will me to look up at you, I should have not buried my nose in my book...

I should have questioned why everyone I introduced to the group becomes closer to others and more distant from me once they're introduced...

I should have questioned you more...gotten more of your knowledge...learned more about what your life was like...and now I don't have the chance, and only have the limited stories that I remember...

I should have treasured more of the vacations we took as a kid...with the grandparents and without...to camp...and everywhere else, because now I look back and wish I had that time again...

I should have told you by now...all the times that we hang out...all the conversations...all the fun...that I'm interested and intrigued by you...and want to ask you out...

I should have not been afraid of reactions, rejection, confrontation or anger...and said and done the things I should have...but I didn't...and now they're out in the ether. Hopefully, when confronted with the situations again in the future, I will have the courage to say and do what I should...