Wonder

There are a ton of things that make me pause with wonder. More lately than before it seems, and I'm not sure why. I wonder why if more people are traveling by air, the flights are not as frequent and they cost more. I wonder what gave the planners of Central Park the forethought to know that a giant park in the middles of New York City would provide city dwellers with a sense of purpose and community for so long. I wonder what it would be like to be rich. I wonder what it would be like to live in London. I wonder if I can ever get past my emotional eating habits. I wonder if I'll ever have a flat stomach and muscles. I wonder if I'm on the right path.

I wonder why some people are friends for a lifetime and others only for shorter bursts. I wonder why, regardless of length those friends make a meaningful impact on your life. I wonder why it is that some friends can be closer than family.

I wonder why music and art can make such a lasting impression on the human spirit but sometimes a person cannot. I wonder why we are drawn to different types of music and art and why others are not appealing in the slightest. I wonder why we like some foods and not others. I wonder why our tastes change over time.

Lately, I find myself wondering about excuses. Why do we make them? Why do we need them? Why do we bother? I know that I have made excuses in the past. We all have. I also know there are things in my life that I have done, both good and bad, that I would like to remember or forget and that regardless, I can still play over and over in my head. I am trying not to make excuses for myself anymore. I am responsible for all of my actions. Not my past. Not the voices in my head (call them personalities, spirits, the devil, evil, good - call them whatever you like). Not my friends, for no matter how close a friend or how powerful an influence they have on my life, I made the decisions I made - not them. I am responsible for the actions and decisions I have made in my life and if I want to move past them, I need to not wonder what excuses I can use - but I need to acknowledge and accept them and move on. I don't wonder about that, not anymore.