Holiday Travel...

I think I've spent more time in a car in this last week than I have in the last few months. I don't have a car in the city, but do drive when I can. I borrowed my best friends car for the holiday travel, and it was nice to have the freedom to just leave when I felt like it, and not be bound by schedules of trains, limited to what I could take home, etc.

My ass is a little sore though from all of the sitting and driving, but it's the holidays...and there's more to come!

Under Attack...

don't know how to take, don't know where to go, my resistance running low...

Prop 8 passes
Rick Warren as a speaker at the inaguration
Prop 8 supporters now asking to have the 18,000 marriages performed declared null becuase they are now illegal
Homophobia on the rise, increase in targeted hate crimes against GLBT citizens

...I think I must be Under Attack, I'm being taken, about to crack, defenses breaking...

an observation...

when it's rush hour and there is only a narrow stairway into and out of the subway that has to allow for people to flow up and down...it's probably not the best time to let your child master climbing the stairs...or at least have the courtesy to wait until everyone else is done with them and the crowds have dispersed.

much as I love kids...not the right time or place...

just a thought...

Going Postal...

so I needed to send some cards/packages overseas today and, since you can't do that from the automated machine, I was forced to stand in line to send them. It was a nightmare. So horrible, so long and so un-necessary. But the packages eventually got out, and if I believe the postal service will be at their destinations within 5 to 7 days. Uh huh...sure.

losing things...

I hate it when I lose things, unless I planned on losing it. I recently lost the laptop so to speak. windows crashed, and was corrupted. I had to re-cover the laptop and re-install windows. that meant I spent days trying to re-install programs I was now missing, or upgrades to windows and getting office again. There are still some things missing, and I'm sure I will stumble across more of what's missing as time goes on now.

Thanks and Giving...

I worked the parade again today for the I don't know how many times. It's not what I would really like to have been doing - I would love to have spent time with my family and friends. I would rather have not been dealing with the strange and stupid things that the general public can do at a live television event.

Then I started thinking - I am thankful to have the opportunity to have worked the parade again, I am thankful for my job. I am thankful that my friends and family know that I love them, even though I can't be with them today. I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I had a bed to go home and sleep in (hey, up at midnight and 2 am call time, getting home at 2 pm is a long day!) and I am thankful that my family loves me for who I am!

Ask a Stupid Question...

get a stupid answer. It sounds really simple, but it's amazing how many stupid questions you can get in a given day if you really pay attention.

For example, I was at the uptown location for the Thanksgiving Day parade today to make sure the crew is doing okay and weren't having issues with set up to go live tomorrow. It's the day before Thanksgiving. There are signs all over the place that say the 82nd Annual Macy*s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The balloons were even being blown up all around. Yet, people still stopped to ask, what's going on? What are you setting up for?

Toward the end of the day, started alternating stories- the gay pride parade, the new years eve ball drop, a tampon commercial. Really, Seriously? What do you think we're setting up for? Ask a Stupid Question - get a Stupid Answer!

Wife/Husband VS. Longtime Companion?

It does have a ring to it, doesn't it? So my friend's mom sent him this text and he sent it out to a bunch of us, and I liked it so much I have decided to post it here. It's a truly interesting social experiment. What if no one were allowed to be called wife or husband? Don't those titles exist for a reason? Isn't there some depth to that relationship? I would answer yes, but apparently some folks don't think so. So if there's not a difference in some peoples minds, then we should all refer to each other's significant others as longtime companion. From now on, I guess I'll just ask how's your longtime companion and see how many people react, notice or wonder why.

Tom Ackerman writes:
"I no longer recognize marriage. It’s a new thing I’m trying.

Turns out it’s fun.

Yesterday I called a woman’s spouse her boyfriend.

She says, correcting me, “He’s my husband,”
“Oh,” I say, “I no longer recognize marriage.”

The impact is obvious. I tried it on a man who has been in a relationship for years,

“How’s your longtime companion, Jill?”
“She’s my wife!”
“Yeah, well, my beliefs don’t recognize marriage.”

Fun. And instant, eyebrow-raising recognition. Suddenly the majority gets to feel what the minority feels. In a moment they feel what it’s like to have their relationship downgraded, and to have a much taken-for-granted right called into question because of another’s beliefs.

Just replace the words husband, wife, spouse, or fiancé with boyfriend, girlfriend, special friend, or longtime companion. There is a reason we needed stronger words for more serious relationships. We know it; now they can see it.

A marriage is a lot of things. Culturally, it’s a declaration to the community that two people are now a unit, and that unity should be respected. Legally, it’s a set of rights and responsibilities. And spiritually, it’s whatever your beliefs think it is.

That’s what’s so great about America. As a Constitutionally secular nation, or at least in reality a vaguely pluralistic nation, we can all have our own spiritual take on what marriage is. What’s troublesome is when one group’s spiritual beliefs deny the cultural and legal rights of another.

But, back to the point. They say their beliefs don’t recognize my marriage, I say my beliefs don’t recognize theirs. Simple. It may seem petty, and obviously the legal part of the cultural/legal/spiritual trilogy is flip-floppy, but it may be the cultural part that really matters.

People get married to be recognized as a permanent couple. To be acknowledged by friends, family, and strangers as being off the market, in a relationship, totally hooked up, yikes… it’s impossible to say without saying ‘married.’ We wear rings to declare this!

So, we can take this away. We can refuse to recognize marriage in the cultural sense. It is totally within our rights, as Americans, to follow our beliefs and recognize or not recognize what we like.

I guess this is a call out to all Americans with beliefs similar to mine.

If you believe that all people should have equal rights, and if you believe that marriage is one of the greatest destinations of a relationship, then perhaps you believe that nobody should have marriage until everybody does.

That’s what I believe."

Works for me.

Suggestions...

does anyone know if voodoo will break the power of a coven? I really think they're witches! Long story...just venting!

Come Out, Come out...

where-ever you are. I know, it's a tried and true chant from the kids games of Hide and Go Seek. It's also something, that as an openly gay man, living in today's society I happen to believe in.

We are no longer dragged out of bars (no pun intended) just because we are gay. The AIDS epidemic is no longer just a GAY disease. We are protesting the passing of Prop 8 and other legislation that took away our right to marry. But have we forgotten our roots?

We are no longer dragged out of bars because we are gay because people came out, let their friends and families know who they were and that they weren't afraid to stand up for their rights. The AIDS epidemic proved to America that we are a community that can come together in good times (duh) and bad to get things done.

Maybe if more people that voted yes for Prop 8 knew GLBTQ folks they would have changed their minds. Maybe not. But does it hurt to come out of the gay ghettos and make ourselves known? Were we just campaigning in WeHo and Silverlake or were we knocking door to door (just like the Mormons do) in areas where we might not have had overwhelming support but where we could have swayed one vote?

I am out and proud. I have taken a male date to my brothers wedding and listened to fag jokes in the bathroom when the in-laws didn't know I was there. I have given my nephews books with themes of diversity and that have gay characters. I have never been in the closet at work since I came out. I have been in places where I was the only openly gay employee (not the only gay employee, but the only openly gay one). I have worked with college kids and watched them struggle with coming out to their parents and family and have seen the results on the good and the bad side. But, you know what - there are more good stories now.

As we, as a community, make ourselves more visible and more known, and not just to each other, we continue to change peoples attitudes. I know this is true. I know people that have told me that their attitude changed after they met and got to know me. I have watched the inlaws drop their guard a little once they figured out I wasn't recruiting. My grandmothers (god rest them and I miss them) knew I was gay. One even knit me a rainbow pride scarf - and knew full well what it meant when I asked for it. Coming out can have an impact. We need to remember that.

I know that not everyone is in a place where the can be totally out - but pick your battles, and if it's not going to cost you - come out and help sway opinion.

And while we're on the subject - we need to remember to "Mourn the losses, because there are many, but celebrate the victoires, because there are few." I don't know who said it originally, but I always remember Debbie saying it to Michael in Queer as Folk.

So - way to go CT - we might not be there in CA and other places yet, but as a CT neighbor, it's nice to know I can get hitched there and have it recognized in NY. Now if only I could find the right guy to get hitched to...hmmmmmm

things to ponder...

in the times of uncertainty ahead, and the turmoil over second class citizenry...I'm left thinking about these quotes frequently.

found this one on the subway - thanks Columiba University and Barnes and Noble for the Thoughts in Motion campaign!

On Liberty
"The only freedom deserving the name, is that of pursuing our own good in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it. Each is the proper guardian of his own health, whether bodily or mental and spiritual. Mankind are greater gainers by suffering each other to live as seems good to themselves, than by compelling each to live as seems good to the rest." - John Stuart Mill

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." - J. R. R. Tolkien

"Still, the Bible is a mirror. You end up reading it not as a reflection of how it is, but of how you are. If you're a bigoted, narrow minded person, you will find bigotry in the Bible." - Daniel Tammet

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Just food for thought!

hypocrisy

It's been apart of the fabric of America for a long time. It's very present lately.

When I was in college, one of the best books I read was for an American History class that I was taking. It was called American Slavery, American Freedom, or something like that, I couldn't find it when I googled. The basic premise was that while we were busy fighting for our freedom from the tyranny of British rule, we were enslaving many others. We eventually ended slavery, but the Civil Rights movement taught us that there wasn't really truly freedom. There still isn't - not for all of our citizenry.

We just elected the first African-American president of the United States - something to truly celebrate. They hypocrisy of it all is that at the same time we did that, we took away rights from LGBT citizens - giving them second class status, and most, are failing to see the connection that while we broke one barrier, we are keeping many others chained.

Seperate is not equal. Civil Unions are not marriage. I'm not asking the church to marry me, I am asking for all the rights of a civil marriage though. When my brother and sister in law got married by the Justice of the Peace (no church involved) it wasn't called a Civil Union. They didn't have to sign several other contracts with each other to have all the rights that come with marriage. If straight copules that got married outside of religious forums (and they do, every day) didn't get the same rights that those who were married within religious forums did, we would have daily protests until the wrong was righted. But, because gay couples are seen as second class citizens, when we ask for equal treatment under the law - we are pushin our agenda. Think about it.

Gavin Newssom is 100% correct when he says that seperate is not equal, and civil marriage should not be defined by religious definitions. What happened to the seperation of church and state?

What's next?

It's a question that's been plaguing me these last few days. We took a giant step forward as a country and several back when it comes to individual rights. This is not about religion, this is not about civility, this is not about even what's right and wrong. This is about Hate!

It did make me go and reference the poem First they came, by Pastor Martin Niemoller about the Holocaust. It makes me wonder who will be standing up for who. Who is standing in my corner?

First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.


Chickens and other farm animals can't speak...but they have more rights than I do now apparently - who's left to speak for me?

(shout out to Jason for the great pic from the West Hollywood protest rally yesterday!)

Why I'm dismayed...

Farm Animals (Prop 2) in California got more rights as the proposition for their fair treatment passed. GLBT citizens look to have their rights revoked (Prop 8), thus writing discrimination into the constitution in California. I'm not a Californian, but I am an American citizen, and apparently my rights are not as important as the fair treatment of animals. What gives America?

Politics...

So, for the first time, EVER, I had to stand in line to get into my polling place and vote. I know some of you are thinking that odd since I live in Manhattan, but it's true. I have had small lines to contend with, but never ones that wrap around the block. I am home sick today, fever, aches, cough, running nose, congestion...yada, yada, yada. I summoned all of my energy and showered and walked over to vote, knowing that early was better than later.

I studied Political Science in college, and I remember one of my professors in one of those first Poli Sci classes asking why we got into politics. I remember listening to everyone's answers: they wanted a career in public service, it was a good major for law school, etc. My answer was a little bit more flippant, but definitely closer to home. When I was a kid, my uncle ran for Mayor of the next town/city over. He had put one of his campaign signs in my grandmother's garage, on top of the cabinet where all of my toys were stored. I didn't know it was there, and opened the cabinet, only to have the sign fall off and hit me in the head/nose. Quite literally, Politics hit me over the head. That's the flip part. The reality is, politics has always been part of my family's discourse. Growing up there were always conversations about politics. My grandmother and aunt were very outspoken democrats and I remember always admiring them for having the courage/conviction to go up against most of the rest of my family when it came to politics.

When I registered to vote, I was of course a Democrat. Those were ideals that I could stand behind. I am definitely more liberal than other members of my family. I rememeber wanting to be able to be on my grandmother and aunt's side when the discusstion turned to politics, even before I could understand those conversations. They believed what they were talking about, and even I, as a child, could see that. My first presidential election was for Clinton's first term in office, and I was able to hear him speak not long after that election. It was really awe-inspiring - whether you believed in him or not.

My dad is worried about my politics, more so than my sexuality. Even to this day, the one thing he'd like to change is the Democrat in my, not the gay. When I came out, I remember him asking if I was still a Democrat. I, of course, answered yes. He asked if we could work on that. That was the extent of his concern over my coming out (at least the concern that he voiced to me). For me, I think the liberal, Democrat and gay all go hand in hand, so to speak. They are all a PART of who I am as a whole.

Politics has been a part of my life for so long, and I've been thinking about it alot lately. If you haven't done so yet - GO VOTE. I don't care who you're voting for, get up, get out and vote. Excercise your right to be heard.

Re-Arranging

Every once in a while, I walk into my apartment and I think about how sick I am of looking at things the same way. It's time to re-arrange a little. I think that for a while, and nothing ever happens with it, and it ends up on To Do lists for multiple weeks and then just fades away off of them until the urge strikes again, and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. Well, my parents were in town this weekend, and I finally got rid of a bulky piece of furniture (they wanted it for the house) which meant I spent the rest of last night and this afternoon plotting and rearranging my living room. I actually really like, or will once all the clutter is put back. It makes the living room look a little smaller, but that's okay in the grand scheme of things. It's okay because I finally made a change, instead of just putting it on the To Do list week after week.

Hooray for change!

Isn't it Ironic...

don'tcha think? So, yesterday being the 10th anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death, I decided to wear my Erase Hate Matthew Shepard foundation pendant today, instead of the usual star I wear around my neck. I didn't think too much about it, and got several compliments on it throughout the day. I'm way out the closet at work, so I really wasn't worried about it.

Anyway, I'm done with work and taking the subway to the gym at around 6ish, and as I'm walking the three blocks from the subway to the gym, some little punk ass kid passing by is like "Nice necklace FAGGOT," which of course triggers laughter from him and his friends. I just said thanks and kept walking.

It's ironic to me though that I can be wearing a pendant designed to promote tolerance and erase hate and get called a hateful name. I called a friend on the west coast and chuckled at the irony of it all...it wasn't the only irony of the day, but it was the most thought provoking.

Where were you?

Where were you 10 years ago, when it became about more than just Laramie? When the world stood still because a young boy died, because he was beaten to death for who he was, when Live and Let Live no longer applied in Laramie. It was 10 years ago today that Matthew Shepard died, after suffering for a week in a coma.

I will always remember where I was when I heard of the beating and of Matthew's death. For me, it will be a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life, much like my mother remembers where she was when JFK was shot. I was working on a college campus in MA, and I was the only OUT gay, lesbian, bisexual faculty or staff member. I was advising the campus LGBT group and trying to impress upon college age GLBT kids that the world was just and right. How do you do that when something like Matthew happens? How can life possibly go on?

It goes on, because it has to, so there will be fewer Matthews taken away from their mothers and fathers. So fewer of us will be the victim of a hate crime, so fewer of us will have to cry when something senseless like this happens. So fewer of us will hear FAG growing up. So more of us will have the courage to come out and be who we really are.

Life goes on SO there wont be another Matthew. SO THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. We need to do more to ERASE HATE, the government has failed to act in 10 years (a decade) to protect it's LGBT citizens from this type of attack. The government has encouraged hatred of not just it's LGBT citizens, but it's citizens that are not white, those that weren't born here in this country, it has, in every sense just encouraged HATRED.

ERASE HATE - please, all of our lives depend on it.

For more information, please visit the Matthew Shepard Foundation at

www.matthewshepard.org

and together we can help ERASE HATE.

shut up already...

I really hate to say it. maybe I'm crabby. maybe I had a rough day. maybe I just have been in nyc too long. lately though, I am really annoyed by the "acts" that play music, dance or perform in some fashion or another on subway platforms, or even worse, on the trains themselves, and then ask for donations.

I'm on a CROWDED train on the way to the gym after work, and it's packed, and these four kids rush on, and want to perform their new dance/clap/shout routine. One, I don't want to hear that, and if I did, I would know where to go and find it. Two, pick a train that's not running at capacity at rush hour. Three, don't ask for donations, just let them come to you if it's meant to be.

like I said, maybe I just had a bad day, or maybe I have been in nyc too long...but I don't want or need to be hit up for money by amateur hour on the subway.

Dating...

I'm often times left wondering if dating is possible in the big city. Should I have stayed in suburbia if I wanted to find a relationship and date, or can I have my career, the great nyc life and date in the city too?

I've dated a few guys since I lived here. Most were great, some weren't. Even in a relationship, whether it's casual, starting out, getting serious or already there, I have found that 8 out of 10 times, one person always has their eye on the door, waiting for the next best thing to walk through the door. That's no way to be in a relationship.

I get a little jealous and lonely lately, as all my friends seem to have found bliss with someone. It's a constant reminder that I'm still single and alone. I had tickets to a great show recently, two shows actually in one week (perk of the job) and went with friends to both, was kind of depressing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish my friends single, I want them happy, it's just depressing to constantly be reminded that you're the third, fifth, seventh, etc wheel!

okay...it's cheating...

and it's totally a line from Billy Elliot the musical, but I just want all my friends to remember that:

You are very fucking special, now piss off before I start to cry!


and go see Billy...totally amazing show...and yes, I am biased!

Every Vote counts...

being a student of political science, I completely understand that. I know I will cast a vote in november, but I don't think that I will really feel like I am voting.

I'm not voting McCain, and I'm not voting Obama. I'm pulling the lever for the democrat, because, fundamentally I am a democrat - always have been and always will be. I'm not voting for either candidate though, as I don't really believe in either of them at this point.

I'm still casting my ballot, and I am still gonna pull the lever for Obama, but I'm not voting for either candidate, more for the party. that sucks.

Informed decision making...

I know who I will be voting for. It worries me though, that some folks will be making their decision without much information. All four of the Pres/VP candidates have public records. Three of the four are out on the campaign trail, offering snippets and interviews. The fourth has been secluded away, and the one interview she did offer was abysmal in terms of offering insight.

What does she stand for? What are her views? When will she give a speech that's not partly recycled from her acceptance speech or repeats the same damn line about stopping the bridge to nowhere? When will she stop being used to fill an arena for McCain and actually allowed to campaign on her own so people see the real Palin? Until she does, I fear people will make a decision on their vote without all the information.

The scary part about that is we can end up in a situation we couldn't get out of.

wow...so it's been a while...

since I blogged here. sorry about that. So, today, I'm at the gym, and I bring my umbrella, as it's supposed to be very rainy here. It's a good thing too, because as I exit the subway at the stop for the gym, it's raining. I pull out the umbrella and walk the few blocks to the gym. I get there, and of course, the umbrella is wet. I go to the locker room, and like so many other guys there, I put the umbrella on top of the lockers so as to not get my stuff wet. There are guys bags and shoes up there as well as some other umbrellas. I change and get to my workout. Long work out, and half an hour of cardio later I go back to the locker room to rinse off and change again to go home. My umbrella, along with a few others are gone. It's pouring out! POURING. I mean, really, is nothing sacred. You can't even leave your wet umbrella out to not get your clothes all wet and it gets stolen. What's up with that?

to the douche who stole my umbrella and forced me to walk to the subway and get soaked...what comes around goes around! Karma's a bitch...and she bites back!

A Place at the Table

I’d like a place at the table, the grown up’s table please. I feel like everyone in the GLBT family needs to keep asking this constantly of our government. We’ve started to be included and have a place at the table, according to several of our activist groups. But, is it a place at the table if we’re sitting at the kid’s table? Growing up, when we had extended family gatherings, there was always a grown up table and a kids table. There were so many cousins, a kid’s table was necessary, and I’m sure that I’m not the only family where this was common. I was always one of those kids that couldn’t wait to grow up enough that I could sit with all the grown ups at that table, it always seemed so much more interesting than eating my mashed potatoes with the kids. Being offered a Civil Union makes me feel like I’m still sitting at the kid’s table. I might be an adult, all grown up, good job, etc, but I’m still sitting at the government’s version of the kid’s table. I can vote and I can participate in the democracy, but I’m not a full citizen, because I can only have a Civil Union, I can’t get married. More gravy, kiddo?

My sister is getting married in 6 months (give or take a few days) and I will proudly stand by her side as her Maid of Honour. I will stand up for her and my soon to be brother in law and bless their union and wish them all the happiness in the world. I was in the line of groomsmen and happily stood up for my brother and sister in law a few years back too.

Before 1967 my sister would not have been allowed to enter into this marriage. She’s Korean and her fiancé is not, there was no interracial marriage. I’m not saying it’s right, but it was law back then, and I would have been one of the first people standing up for her back then – you don’t control who you love, and you have every right to celebrate that love by getting married. It took many courageous people to stand up and make our government understand that, as is happening again now. Fear kept many couples whom weren’t the same race from getting married back then, and those same fears are being dragged out today in an effort to prevent many in the LGBT community from getting married.

What were people afraid of back then? What are people afraid of today? It certainly can’t be the unknown. The GLBT community is the most visible it has ever been, and more and more young people are coming out earlier and earlier, without batting an eye. While it’s probably the most inclusive time for the GLBT community, we’re also being held at arms length in some situations. We have had courageous folks stand up and say it’s not right; we need more to do the same. I know that just as I would have stood up for my sister, she is standing up for me.

We have presidential candidates, in probably one of the biggest presidential elections of my generation, and neither one of them supports gay marriage, and both define it as between a man and a woman. Granted, one of those candidates is the lesser of the two evils, but are we lemmings? Barrack Obama of all people should understand this struggle more than he does; his parents were of different races and fought this prejudice head on. He says he has fought prejudice his whole life, so why not stand up for the members of the GLBT community that are fighting that same prejudice now, from the likes of the political elite, of which he is a part and wants so much to change? What bigger change could there be right now than to have a Presidential candidate stand up and say, this isn’t right, when two people are in love they are entitled to get married, regardless of their gender.

So, why are we (collectively as GLBT folk) flocking to a candidate that clearly doesn’t support our basic rights? He says he believes in Civil Unions, are we supposed to be thrilled by that inclusion? I’m not. Grown Ups Table please, I’ve earned my right to sit there. I am not a second-class citizen. Nowhere in the constitution that I studied does it say I have to be a heterosexual to have all the rights that document grants. If someone else has found that secret passage, please point it out to me, I’ll take my mashed potatoes and go back to sitting with the kids.

Purging...

so I've spent a bit of time this weekend trying to clean and purge my bedroom and the rest of the apt by default as well. I have all kinds of ideas about what I want to do and what's the next step n my process. I have thrown or given away so much stuff in the last two years, and yet I feel like there's just so much crap around me right now, I don't know where to start. I want to re-arrange the living room and my bedroom. I want to paint. I want to class things up a bit, but wonder if it's worth it (the effort and the money) for all the improvement. At the same time I want to fix things up, I want to de-clutter and simplify. I have too much stuff. I don't need all of it, obviously. Where to start next. Hmmm...

It's all about perspective I guess...

because otherwise, I don't understand the positive spin on some things. For example, I was leaving the gym today and walking the four blocks back to the subway on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. There was this amazingly sharp dressed woman, well put together, talking on her cell phone with a friend walking a bit ahead of me. You could tell it was a friend from the ease of the conversation, even only hearing one side of it. Anyway, I wasn't really paying close attention, until I hear her get a little animated and exclaim:

"I mean really, what was she thinking about trying to be a victim. When someone tries to kill you, you just HAVE to turn it around and use it to your advantage."

Really? Seriously? I mean, the only real upside that I see is that whomever this almost killed woman was just almost killed, and not dead. I'm failing to see any other upside/advantage, but I guess that's all in the perspective.

for a good cause...

so, I read about this musician that plays coffeehouses and was finding it hard to make ends meet with the high gas prices. to combat it, he took to the seas, or the canal at least. He's a folk musician, so it seems fitting that he's making a statement at the same time. While I'm not sure what his music is like, I'm planning on going to his show when he's in town here in NYC after he's paddled all the way from Buffalo NY to NYC on the Erie Canal and the Hudson by canoe. I'll also buy a CD, if for no other reason than to support him. Want to read more, check out the profile/article in the NY Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/28/nyregion/28canoe.html

Anyone else in?

My Giant Gaping Hole...

get your minds out of the gutter boys...the giant gaping hole in my bathroom FINALLY got fixed yesterday morning. I again had to go and seek out the workers in the am, as they didn't arrive on time. When they finally did arrive, the job turned out to be bigger than they anticipated (go figure, I've been telling them it was bigger than they thought for weeks now) and it took longer than expected to complete the work. The bathroom was left in a mess, and so was the kitchen and entry way to the apt, but I just didn't care as I was already late to work, so I just needed to go. So...I go to work, hit the gym and come home knowing I need to clean the place up. I turn on the hot water tap (the root of the problem to start with) and the water just trickles out, teasing and taunting me! At 8pm, the last thing I want to do is find the super...but I do just that...he shows up and fixes the hot water tap, I finish my dinner and clean the bathroom and kitchen and then shower and it's 930...and I wonder where my night went...

To sleep, perchance to dream...

I feel like my nephew when he got his first big boy bed. My bed for the last 1o years has been a double bed. I loved it. I loved the bed frame and the bed itself. It was in my grandmothers guest room, and when I moved out on my own she gave it to me. I brought it with me when I moved to MA, and then when I moved to NYC.

I have contemplated a new bed for a while, but really couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept thinking I would just buy a new mattress and be okay. Well, I was looking for new mattresses and realized that, at 34, I shouldn't be sleeping in the same double bed anymore. It's the bed of my 20's...you know when you don't have alot of money for furniture and rely on hand me downs and cheap. Not that it was cheap, or in the hand me down sense that I didn't really like it, it's just what it was. It's cramped when Mr. Right finally decides to show up. I looked online for beds and fell in love with one, and upgraded to a Queen. I am one anyway, so why not sleep on one. That meant getting a new mattress as well, so that and new sheet sets later I was in business. The bed arrived, and I put it together (all by myself Jon and Dad!) and hauled the mattress onto the platform and I was cooking with gas!

I love spreading out, and having room, love the new mattress and I can't believe I waited so long to get a big boy bed!

Yoga...

so...I've been contemplating taking yoga classes/lessons for a while. I think it will be a good way to replace cardio one day a week, help with core strengthening and help with some toning. I took the plunge today, and had my first session with a great teacher.

I was sweating (it was actually dripping off of me) after about 15 minutes, and I spent about an hour doing yoga. It was difficult! I was straining sometimes. It's much more difficult than I had anticipated.

I think I'll be going back at least once a week, try and shake things up a little with my routine and get past this plateau...

Dating...

so...I've done my fair share of dating. I have been in relationships in the past, and have even lived with boyfriends. I have found folks I thought could be the one, and others that I know clearly are not.

Dating is difficult in a town where all eyes are on the door, waiting for the next best thing to walk in and sweep you off your feet. Where you're judged by what you have and where you work, not who you are as a person and what you can bring to the table.

What's a boy to do? Will keep you posted on that one, not sure where it's going!

getting off...

get your minds out of the gutter...I mean getting off the train! I don't know what there is about manners here in NYC, but sometimes I think they've left town.

when I wait for the subway, as it pulls up, I move away from the doors to either side and wait for the passengers on the train to get off. No matter what time of day or night. It's common courtesy.

All weekend long as I was getting off the subway I was met by a wall of people head on - some of whom tried to push their way on even before the doors were fully open. Let us off first people - it's much easier that way.

letting go...

when I was in LA on business back in April, a flyer in my boss/friend Eric's office caught my attention. It was for a stage production of Holding the Man by Tommy Murphy somewhere in Australia. The show is based on the book of the same name by Timothy Conigrave. I commented that I had heard fantastic things about both the book and the production. Not long after that Eric presented me with the book to read. Having already packed two for the trip, I packed it away to bring home and read.

I picked it up last weekend to read on the train out to the Hamptons on Friday. I couldn't put it down. I got so engrossed and involved in Tim and John's lives and their love. It's a true story. A memoir. A coming of age/coming out tale. A look at AIDS in the early onset of the crisis, from a distinctly non-American perspective.

I get wrapped up in books all the time, I love to read. Fiction or non-fiction, if the story intrigues me, I'll pick it up and read it. I get attached to books, or stories, or characters easily. I have a ton of books I've read and still more waiting to be read. I fell in love with this book from the very first pages. I fell in love with Tim and John and what they had with each other.

I wept. For a while, knowing it's a memoir, and that AIDS plays a central theme, you know the outcome, and you might get emotional. Towards the middle of the book, I would start to get teary eyed, but still be able to read a chapter or two before having to put it down, the weight of it being too much. As the end of the book drew near, I couldn't go more than a paragraph or two without becoming a blubbering mess. I finished it today on the subway home from the gym and good cardio workout. I had tears streaming down my face. I had sunglasses on and it was still apparent. I was sniffling and choking back the emotion. I am crying now writing this remembering how wonderful it was. I feel like I lost two friends...it really was that good.

I have to pass it on to people to read, but it's sitting on my bed, I can't let go of it yet. It really is like saying goodbye to someone, when you know it will be the last time. I'm not ready to let go, but I know I have to...

Tim and John...I hope that you've found each other again...

Ending Relationships...

what happens when someone just doesn't get the hint that the relationship is over? I guess there can be conflicting messages out there sometimes, but you'd think when you stop into a branch and close out your accounts, withdraw all funds and cut up the credit cards in front of them they'd be pretty positive your relationship was done. But not Bank of America. I'm still getting text messages and emails telling me that my account balance is under the threshold I set and what the current balance is. It's $0 dipshits - I closed the accounts after years of neglect and mistreatment after their merger with Fleet...

OY...BofA - ITS OVER. Pick up the pieces and move on, and harass and abuse the rest of your unfortunate customers!

weekends away...

I generally tend to subscribe to the philosophy that "bad things happen when you leave the city." Sometimes though, there's an upside to leaving the city. Seeing good friends and family, spending time in a great place that you just couldn't get in Manhattan proper. Like the view of Hamptons Bay that I spend the weekend looking at, either from the deck or the hot tub on the deck...

As nice as the view is, and as great as the friends are, Dorothy had it right...

"There's no place like home!"

Recruiting

So...it's happened a few times in the last few weeks. The latest was as I was coming up out of the subway and into my office building this morning.

Recruiters there to tempt me with their flyers and wanting to tell me all about being saved. I think this morning was Jews for Jesus. On the way to the subway it was the Evangelicals. The other day walking to the deli it was the Mormons.

How come all these different religions can openly try and recruit me, but it's the gays that are accused of blatantly recruiting? I don't pass out flyers or talk people up on the train to try and get them to join my ranks.

Since I came out, about 13 years ago several friends have come out after I did. I've helped many others open the closet doors. I have yet to receive my toaster oven or even microwave - hell, at the rate I am going, I could re-do my entire kitchen (small as it may be). I didn't even have to hand out flyers. But, I'm recruiting?

Yours, Mine and Ours

eand I'm not talking about the movie...

what happens when something that was an ours has to be shared again after years of being a mine? And why after almost 5 years would you still continue to refer to something as yours even though you clearly haven't cared about it in 5 years or even been back?

How long can I handle it? How much before it pushes me over the edge? More importantly, how soon before it becomes just mine again?

1138...

there are 1138 federal rights, protections and benefits I am currently denied simply because I am gay.

1138 federal rights, protections and benefits that are achieved with two simple words.

What are those words you ask? They are: I Do.

I Do will get me 1138 things I won't get in a civil union. Separate is not Equal. A Civil Union is not a marriage, and there are 1138 federal rights, protections and benefits that right now only come with I Do.

Why is my love any different than anyone elses?

Weddings...

they happen all the time it seems. Summer seems to show more of them than other times of the year. My sister is planning one. Seems like I have weddings on the brain.

I was at a reception this weekend with my best friend for some friends the got married in Canada where it's legal. I was in my brother's wedding. I will be my sisters Maid of Honour early next year. We're already talking bachelor/bachelorette parties, dresses, and attire.

I wonder when it's going to happen for me. I wonder when I'll find the person I want to settle down with, and how will I know when I find them? All big questions...and since I'm single...there are no answers yet!

White Socks...

I know that they have their purpose, for the gym and all - but they really weren't meant to be worn with your dress best, and especially not with a black suit (or a suit of any kind for that matter). I've seen so many guys lately that are all dressed up in a nice suit and tie or in a nice pair of slacks, button down and tie and white socks sticking out of their dress shoes.

It's perplexing to me. It's kind of like a black belt with brown shoes...although I think that one is even more common than the white socks...

where did it come from? why do guys do it? and does anyone tell them they should put on some black socks with their black suit?

I am the fashion police and I will start issuing tickets! ;-p

Coffee...

so...it's not the be all and the end all, but you can get it everywhere you turn around in nyc. It's not even the reason for the post...I was washing the dishes last night and I broke the coffee pot, I know, not earth shattering, but, had just gotten a replacement for the one that was broken a day or two before.

So...standing there, betrayed, bewildered...and it's 9 PM at night. What did I do? I grabbed the wallet and keys and ran down to Bed, Bath and Beyond and bought myself a brand new coffee maker with a stainless steel carafe...can't break that puppy washing it! Hell yes! And, really...where else in the world can you leave your apartment at 9pm at night and have a new coffemaker and be home again before 10, order dinner in and still be in bed by midnight?

That's why I love this town!

"The one thing we know for certain...

is that George Bush will not be on the ballot in November." - Barack Obama during a campaign speech today.

Really? Seriously? Like we didn't know that before you were a candidate for the presidency. It's been plainly obvious that GWB would not be on the ballot in the fall. I really wish he would stop pointing out the flipping obvious - we ALL knew that, and if we didn't, we don't deserve the right to vote!

I wish that I could stand behind him more, and maybe I could if he would stop being the idealist and start being pragmatic. Stop pointing out what's bad and not working - stop making stump speeches about change coming to washington - start telling me what your plans are. Start telling me what you're going to do to solve the economic crisis, start telling me what you're going to do towards world peace. Please tell me what you're going to do, instead of just what needs to be fixed, or all the pots of gold at the end of your rainbow won't amount to a hill of beans!

AWNY

so, today was AIDS Walk NY. It's something that I have been participating in on and off since 1995, my senior year of college. It's been a few years since I last walked, shamefully. Last year I watched and cheered on the walkers as I got into my car to go to the airport for work travel. It was nice to be able to walk again with friends and co-workers. Got to meet some new friends and see some old ones. I am going to have to make a better point of walking in the years to come.

Anyway...thanks to Joe for reminding me and making me walk...here's a pic of my friend Adam and I before the walk began...

Shelter...

so...it's not the be all and end all of movies. It's really cute though. I watched it for the first time a week or so ago, and I've seen bits and pieces of it on and off again now since then.

The title of the movie is appropriate as it's all about the main character's search for shelter...in love, in life and in creativity. We all want a little shelter and happiness in our lives! That's what I think everyone can identify with. It's not necessarily gay...even though the two main men end up falling in love. It's more about finding yourself and the opportunities that life presents you with. Falling in love, being a father to his nephew, creating his art...all he wants is Shelter.

The cinematography is breathtaking...the light...the sunsets...the surf...

I know, for me, that I enjoyed a movie when I walk away singing or humming some of the songs in the movie. With Shelter...I was singing the songs and wanting the soundtrack...

If you haven't seen it...go see it...worth it! Will be buying when it's out on DVD at the end of the month.

A year...

so...it's been a year (okay a little over) since I started working out with my trainer. Have I seen results? Yes I have. Do I feel better? Absolutely. Do I think it's a noticeable change? I know it is, as people have commented on it. Am I doing it for anyone else? Nope. Doing it for me. The waist has shrunk some, and I have developed in other areas. Am I a muscle bound gym boy? Hell no...but I never wanted to be. Now the goal is to look amazing and keep up the current trajectory for the Bean's wedding...in T minus 10 months and counting! Holy Shiz!

Tons of Sweat...

so I have been sick and out of it for most of the past week. I came back from being on the road, and thought I caught a cold, and it just seemed to get worse from there. I went to the gym on Monday, and didn't go again until yesterday. I hurt when I just walked, so...the gym seemed out of the question.

Have only done cardio yesterday and today...and the sweat was pouring off of me both days. the shirts I have worn were so soaked through...they just went right into the laundry bag.

Maybe it's the sick wearing off...maybe I am actually working the cardio harder...but...wow!!!

In other gym related news...6lbs lighter...

mixed emotions...

disappointment and excitement all in the same weekend. The season finale of Torchwood was this weekend and I was disappointed to have it come to an end, but more disappointed in the way it ended. I just can't believe that two series regulars are gone...oy!

but then...on Sunday...Brothers and Sisters came back, and I am so happy to see that. I'm happier to see that Scotty will be back...I love Scotty...there can't be too much of him on that show!

so...roller coaster of an up and down weekend...this is why I don't watch too much tv...I get too attached!

smoking...

I forgot how much it's an annoying habit. no cussing me out for saying that...I have picked up a cigarette or two in my time...so I am as guilty as the next guy. but...when I chose to smoke, I don't light up inside or where it can impact others. I forgot how much you end up reaking of smoke when you go out to a bar where people can smoke inside. I forgot what it's like to be asked smoking or non smoking when you go to a restaurant until I got to North Carolina. It's odd how quickly things like that leave your collective memory until you are confronted with them again.

From Hell...

it's no just the name of a movie. Today was the travel day from hell...and I have two more to go before I am home again in my own bed. The day started early at LAX and I didn't land at O'Hare until much later, in the cold and rain...yuck!!! Two flights of standby and I finally got out...and I just wanted to give up. Too much turbulence from like Utah all the way to Chicago and kids threw up on the plane on the approach to O'Hare...woo hoo!!! Top it all off...American played National Treasure: Book of Secrets - the same movie I saw on my flight to LAX from JFK...the only one they have in their rotation currently? HMMMM...

just the travel day from hell...time for dinner and drinks in the windy city!!!

B. I - Before iPod

What did we do before iPod? I have often wondered about that. I resisted getting one for so long, but since I've had one, I don't really know how I lived without it. I have sooooo many songs on mine, and I can even add video. I can listen for days without a repeat. I can't imagine boarding a plane and not having access to most of my library of music and a movie or two.

I remember getting on the subway with a portable cd player, and a few cd's...but now...I have everything at my finger tips. I feel sorry for the folks that carry their portable cd players or walkmen. To not be able to carry a ton of their music with them is difficult to imagine.

What did we do before iPod? I mean, I even got my mom listening to one and adding her music...

favorite tshirts

so...for a long time, my favorite tshirts were ones that made my body look like it was in better shape than it was. I had this one that made my chest look good, even when it didn't. It also had a reference to Australia...which I can't wait to get to! Anyway...as my chest and body started to get in better shape, this tshirt totally helped to make me look even better! I loved it. I can't remember wearing it and eating something greasy...but apparently I did, because I got it out of the drawer today, fresh from the laundry, and there are two big grease circle stains on my favorite tshirt...and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm bummed! I'm disappointed! I can't believe that it happened!

Can we talk?

So...all week long there have been serious talks about race because of this election cycle. I agree, it's an important topic in American life, it is a conversation that needs to be had, and is long overdue. I will probably be labeled racist for saying what I say next, and I am definitely not racist, but label me as you will. I am sick of hearing about race in America because of this election.

Why am I sick of hearing about it? Because, we aren't talking about all those other things that are happening that need conversations. Sexism, Homophobia, Classism - just to name a few.

We aren't talking about SEXISM in America. Come on, we all know Hil's getting the crap kicked out of her in some corners for no reason other than she's a woman - She doesn't show emotion, she's a bitch - she cries, she's too emotional. It's still an old boy's network, and if you don't talk, walk and piss like them, you don't stand a chance. Sexism my friends. Why are all of the strong women in politics accused of being lesbian (Hillary, Condie, etc)? Just because they're women in a man's world? Sexism (and a little of the next topic) my friends.

We aren't talking about HOMOPHOBIA. We all know that one's out there too...when a little boy can be murdered because he wanted another boy to be his valentine we need to have a serious conversation about homophobia. It's better to be a murderer than thought of as gay - great, go to jail - when you're bent over in your cell, let's talk about which is better, shall we? How come I pay my taxes and I am still a second class citizen that can't get married (unless I marry a woman)? How come it's not okay to race-bait, but it's still okay to gay-bait in the political world? Huh?

We aren't talking about CLASSISM. We aren't talking about how the rich are getting considerably richer and the poor are getting poorer, and the middle class are disappearing. What will happen when the divide is too great? What will happen when there are only the haves and the have nots? Who gets to wait in line for bread and toilet paper then?

I'm sick of talking about racism in america. I'm happy to talk about it...really, I am, but only when we start talking about sexism, homophobia and classism in the same context. And, then, only after we've had some serious discussions about what we are going to do to stabilize the economy, and end the war in Iraq and the senseless slaughter of our troops. (again - support our troops with all my heart and patriotism, but I don't support the war - so go ahead and call me un-patriotic...I've been called worse.)

So - come on America and our politicians, are we really going to talk about things, or are we just going to give some great sound bite speeches and call the problem solved. If you're going to talk about racism (sexism, homophobia or classism for that matter) you'd better be prepared to do more than talk, and give me ways you're going to fix the problem. Until then, it's just talk.

Life vs Lifestyle

Why do I have a lifestyle while straight society just has a life? Why is it that anyone who's not a part of "white, mainstream middle america" labeled with a lifestyle? I can't return it if I don't like it. It's not like furniture that I change with the times and my taste. It's my life...I happen to be gay and that's a part of it. I happen to be Irish and Hungarian too. I have friends, a job, family. Why is it that the gays have a lifestyle, an alternative one at that? It's a part of who I am...not something I chose. So, why does that make it a lifestyle?

I'm so over it being referred to as a lifestyle...and I don't want my two young nephews to grow up thinking that it's a lifestyle, not my life. Life is what you're given to live and I want to take every opportunity and advantage of that...and hell, I can't decide on what's for dinner some nights, let alone a lifestyle!

Oblivious

Apparently I am oblivious when it comes to boys flirting or hitting on me, or even staring directly at me. I'm not sure when I got that way...or what caused it, but I've become oblivious to it all I guess. I guess I'm just not used to being lusted after in that fashion. Maybe it's because I never have been. Maybe I'm really a shy person deep down, and not as extroverted as people take me for (keep laughing...I know...it's just a thought). Not really sure what it is, but in the last two weeks, I have been oblivious to a boy inching closer and closer to me and then oblivious when another couldn't take his eyes off of me, even when he was talking to someone else as well.

Oy...why are boys so complicated...just talk to me...I don't bite!

Fashion Police

sometimes (okay - alot of the time) I wish I had a little badge that I could whip out and just say "Fashion Police, change your outfit or go somewhere you can't be seen." Do people not have mirrors at home? Friends? Family? Does nobody look at them and tell them the truth? That dress is way to short (in which case you should definitely be wearing PANTIES under it), or that bust line makes them look lop sided, or those pants make you look like you're packing a banana and not in a good way. I know I'm not a fashion plate all the time, but if I'm leaving the house, I at least look presentable - even going to the gym I can run errands before or afterwards.

In sickness...

and praying for health! I was so sick yesterday...ghost white...no colour, even in my lips. I couldn't keep anything down (not even the pepto that's supposed to help you keep things down). top it all off...had to be at work...although I left early and just came home and relaxed and that's all I am doing today as well.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I'm so sick of hearing about all the changes that need to be made without any substance to back up what changes will be made. stop talking to me about changes you dream of making, and give me some substance of the changes you talk about. all talk and no substance is as bad as having nothing to say. it can't just all be about dreams, you need to have something to back those dreams up. what are you going to do when the dream comes true. if you haven't thought ahead to that point...get out of the way and let someone who has do the job.

Bloody British...

damn them for addicting me to a new show and then only producing 13 or so episodes. The BBC produced Torchwood, BBC America aired it, and then my parents got me addicted to it. I've bought the first season on DVD and then have been watching the second as it airs on BBC America here. Now I've got to start going back to work on Saturdays and will be missing some...damn!

I love this series Torchwood...the staff are just sexual beings...they shag anyone and everyone! I love it!!! It's not straight...it's not gay...it just is!

Valentine's Day...

is a manufactured holiday by Hallmark. okay...maybe not entirely true, but it feels that way. I am so not a fan of needing one day to say I love you and care about you...if you truly love and care about someone you should be showing them every day. It should be obvious from your actions and words and deeds, not just by the presents you give on Valentine's Day. I usually boycott this holiday...besides, the following day is a celebration day in our family, so it seemed a little over-done to celebrate V-Day anyway.

A few years ago, I participated in the V-Day Initiative that brought Eve Ensler's award winning Vagina Monologues to college campuses about the abuse women face around the world. It was the best I ever felt about Valentines Day.

So...happy valentines day...but don't look for me to be wearing red...more like black! ;-p

Snow...

so...I'm sitting at home, catching up on some email, tv's on in the background and so is the heat...and I look out the corner of my eye and through the window I see the snow just coming down. The trees have a nice dusting of white. It's really falling, but not sticking, so I'm not sure how long it will last. It will be nice to see the park white (if it gets that far) since it's been a long time since snow fell here.

Give my regards...

to broadway...remember me to herald square.

stay tuned for more details...

Working out or Cruising...

sometimes I wonder what the boys at the gym are there for. Are they there to work out and get their sweat on, or are they there to simply cruise the meat market? I'm all for looking at the hot guys there in the shorts and little shirts...and some of their bodies are truly a kick in the pants to keep going...but oogle a little and work out...after all...that's what you pay the gym membership for. Don't waste space sitting on a machine you're not going to use, just so you can stare at another guy while he's working out.

It's not fair to those of us that actually want to use the gym...not to mention just downright creepy!

state of the union...

I love that the president talked about the responsibility of the government to keep a balanced budget. considering we had one (and a surplus) when he took office...and in the matter of a year or so he squandered it away and left us in enormous debt...but now he can lecture us about balancing our checkbooks and keeping a balanced budget...

when is the election again? not soon enough!

Sappy Movie Day?

I didn't get the memo. Was there one? What's up with today being sappy movie day? First Brokeback Mountain was on HBO...sad to start with...even more sad with recent events. Then...after that...flipping channels I find Steel Magnolias...and what's after Steel Magnolias? Titanic...I don't want to look ahead to see what's after Titanic. I'm actually afraid to know!

How much can one person cry in a given day? wow...did kleenex plan this?

Boycotting FOX

and all of it's radio and television channels and movies and television it produces for other channels. I'm done with this crazy, bat shit, sophmoric attempts at humor.

see artilce link here: http://www.towleroad.com/2008/01/fox-radio-host.html

Please feel free to send an email to the wack a doos at the following email addresses.:
john.gibson@foxnews.com (he's the host that made the serious matter a laughing one), myword@foxnews.com (that's the general email for his show), yourcomments@foxnews.com ( general email for foxnews), roger.ailes@foxnews.com (that's the head guy at fox news).

I already have. I believe in free speech. I believe that people have a right to their opinions. They can analyze Heath Ledger all they want for the career or personal choices he made. But, really, do we need to mock him when we announce his death? Do we need to play the "I don't know how to quit you" clip from Brokeback Mountain and then surmise, that indeed he'd found a way to quit him? It's beyond bathroom humor. It's beyond tacky...it's just downright rude! Even when Rock Hudson died of AIDS related complications I don't remember this kind of abusive shite! He's an actor folks...it was a role he chose to play!!! It wasn't who he was? Are you going to mock him for playing a schizophrenic, mass murdering serial killer (the Joker) or for being Australian and playing an American Revolutionary war soldier? Probably not. So why mock him for this?

Rest in Peace mean anything for you folks? Let the man's body of work speak for itself, and let individuals view it in their own light. He was an actor, playing roles is what he did for a living. I don't know him as a person, and more than likely, neither did you...so let it go!

VPL

or visible panty lines...can apply to both men and women...why is it that people think it's okay to wear tight enough clothes that I can tell what kind of underwear they're wearing...or if they are even wearing any? honestly, most of them that I've seen recently have also been on people who's clothes were spray painted on and apx two sizes too small. really - didn't need to see the thong under those spray painted jeans babe...one...not the right gender...and two...even if you were...no way...no how...don't need to see any of that outside the bedroom! ;-p

style...

personal style is a big thing. I feel sorry for folks that have to wear a uniform - even if it is just a suit and tie - every day, as there is not much they can do to distinguish themselves from others around them. I am lucky that I get to dress pretty much how I want to for work every day. I can make myself look how I'd like to...wear what I want.

I don't take advantage of that enough, and I find that sometimes I just put clothes on because I know they look decent, they're clean and I don't want to think about what to wear. that doesn't do alot to set me apart sometimes and it makes me feel more like just another GAP drone. (I love alot of stuff from the GAP...so no offense) I need to start making an effort in the mornings and feeling hot when I leave the apt...

Skinny Jeans...

so...I don't own any, but they're all the rage now. I get the concept. I don't think they are for everyone. Not every body type can get away with wearing skinny jeans. I know that I can't...and I know I'm on the thinner side of the spectrum. I just know that for my body type...I can't get away with them. How come then, others don't realize that? I have seen so many people (men and women alike) that are guilty of literally pouring themselves into them...or spraypainting them on. Just because they're in fashion it doesn't mean that everyone can or should wear them! Stick to what looks good on you...not what's in fashion...the fashion police are watching...and they're not happy!

(okay - Carson Kressly rant done!)

Relaxation...

there's nothing like it. Old movies...good food and just sitting around and not doing much. Worked all day...went to the gym to work out with the trainer...came home...made dinner...and now just watching a little TV and doing not much of anything...love to be able to relax a little every now and then...

Bummed out...

so...word is coming that RENT's final broadway performance is to be June 1. I am bummed out, disappointed...upset...it's the end of an era. I love this show. I can't tell you how many times I've seen it...at least 10...all but once on Broadway. After I saw the tour in Providence, I decided to move to NYC. After 9/11 I went to see it again to renew my faith and optimism in the city. I feel like it's a part of me...I can sing along to all the songs...I know all of the original cast...and have seen them all in the show on the great white way.

I almost cried when I read the article this morning...I'm a RENT-head and I proudly admit it. It will be a very sad day when it closes...I might have to take the day off just to mourn...

4,115 songs...

are on my iPod and for the past week I have been listening to the same 14 over and over again from the Xanadu Broadway soundtrack...

not sure why I keep going back...but you can find me listening to it...and then mouthing along with the words on the subway. It's fun and campy. It's definitely easy to sing along too...love it...loved the show...

silence...

sometimes it's too quiet and I want more noise around. I keep the tv or ipod going in the background just to keep me in background noise. then...at the office sometimes, when everyone's on the phone and talking and gabbing and making noise in general...I want some peace and quiet. Where's the happy medium? maybe I'm just a little schizo that way...

To Do Lists...

so...I seem to make one every weekend, and it has tons of stuff on it that I need to accomplish by the end of the weekend. Okay...well I'd like to finish by the end of the weekend...and most of the time I get a good portion of it done, but some of it seems to end up there the next weekend too! Maybe I just need to stop writing them...I'm just afraid that if I do...I won't get anything done because they'll be no reminder of what I need to finish! Maybe if there were more hours in the day I could do more during the week and then I wouldn't have so much on the weekend...hmmmmm...


food for thought...

Keeping Track...

trying a new tactic with my workouts. I'm keeping track of what I'm doing at the gym again...but I'm also writing down every day what I eat, drink and snack on. I'm hoping that it will end all of the late night snacking. it's the only area where I don't seem to have any will power. so far, so good. I'm only buying good for me stuff at the store...fat free, sugar free, etc. proteins, veggies and little starch...

changed up the cardio routine as well...we'll see if that gets any results...

resolutions...

so...apparently everyone resolved the same thing again...to get in better shape. the gym was PACKED today after work. It's the first time I've had to go after work...today was the first day back since the new year began. I think I liked the life of leisure - only from the perspective that when I went to the gym in the middle of the day or late morning...it wasn't crowded...I didn't have to wait for machines...there was no line for the cardio...

if only...oh well...I give it a week...two tops...before everyone is back on their couch and old ways!

the gym...

been really working myself at the gym...hitting it hard...lots of cardio...still seeing the trainer at least once a week...

just getting impatient...wish that the results will show more...and quickly...

oh well...we'll get there!

F'ing Cold...

so...it's the coldest it's been in NYC for a while...it's below 30 and windy! I don't think it's supposed to last much longer than today...but a nice reminder that we are actually supposed to be living in a cold climate! I'm not sure I want to venture out into it...might in a little while and hit the gym...but still not sure about that!

Happy New Year...

it was a quiet NYE for me...which was great actually. I have done the party thing in the past...and the drinking thing...but the quiet thing was nice. I'm hoping that it will signal in a calm year to come and not alot of drama...we'll see about that!