Monday, Monday...

Monday seems like one of those toss away days. Everyone attributes everything that happens to the fact that it's Monday. Late train - it's Monday. No phones at work? Monday. No hot water at home - Monday!

It's just funny to me that there are 6 other days of the week that don't seem to get the same rap!

Then again, it's Monday!

;-p

Saturday night...

It was a good Saturday night...had a great dinner and went to see Hairspray (the movie) with a great boy...

good conversation, great sweets, good movie (don't think I would have seen it if he hadn't wanted to) and a nice, sweet kiss (okay a few) goodnight.

talk of another night out...and more fun...so...all in all...a good saturday night.

no pressure...no expectations...a good date...

nice to have done it again...and he seems sweet and sincere...

Everything happens for a reason...

I believe that the goddess doesn't set anything in front of us without reason. Call it fate...call it karma...coincidence...dumb luck. Call it what you will. Why then, as I'm just beginning to put all of the pieces of my life back together and feeling good/better about things, am I thrown the curve ball? And from work none the less?

I'm reading the script for an upcoming episode today, and one of the characters is dealing with an ALS diagnosis. Of course when I read it, I audibly GASP and have to stop for a minute. My only connection to that disease is Sean. If everything happens for a reason...what's the reason for this?

I'm not sure...but it revolves around Sean somehow.

I also believe that the goddess doesn't give us anything that we can't handle...but I'm still stumped on this one!

Therapy...

it's not just a gay bar in midtown anymore!

although, as I was told after a quick session with the first of two therapists this week that I was "a sane and stable kind of guy, with no alcohol or drug issues and who didn't have answers to the questions that I was presenting..." so there was really no need, as he saw it "for me to be in therapy."

I'm just askin...but isn't the point of therapy to get answers to the questions that you're asking of yourself? I'm not naive, I'm not expecting them to come from the therapist...I know they need to come from me...but the whole motivation to go to therapy was to get the answers to the questions I was presenting...to do some more work and help myself become a better person...

...God didn't make any junk.

okay...so I'm not a religious person...but Tammy Faye Messner died on Friday and after everything she has been through, she deserves to be at peace.

She came to the LGBT fight later in life, but embraced our community, and it's this quote, once aimed at fellow christian's attempts to demonize us that I will always remember.

“We’re all just people made out of the same old dirt, and God didn’t make any junk.”

it's the truth, and we all need to remember it...

more life lessons later on, just wanted to post this now.

A typical Saturday...

of exploding stuffed animals/jello/turkeys, deep fried kids toys, steam rolled bobble heads and liquid nitrogen frozen food sports...

another typical saturday on the job...

stay tuned tomorrow for another update on Life Lessons from Broadway Musicals...

Wanting...

I want to be sad and cry -
for what was and what could have been.

I want to be upset and angry -
for how I've been treated and how betrayed I feel.

Mostly, I just want the confusion to end -
because I feel like you've disappeared on me -
even though I never disappeared on you.

Intuition...

it's not just the cologne that I wore today...

I followed my own intuition and sent Sean a voicemail message a few minutes ago. won't go into the details...and I didn't leave any ultimatums or demands...just told him I cared and I didn't know what to do because I'd never been through this with him before...

sent it with the complete knowledge that I don't care one way or the other what the end result is...it's started the closure process for me to let go...and I still think that's what I need to do right now...

to quote Celine Dion...A New Day Has Come...

How...

do I stop crying?
do I stop missing him?
do I stop thinking about his smile, his touch?
do I stop thinking about him throughout the day?
do I not wake up every morning and hope that today's the day I hear from him?
do I move on and let go when I'm still doing all of these things?

if anyone has answers...please share...I don't want to cry anymore...I want to move on and let go, but I can't seem to figure out how...

Look Forward...

just keep reminding me to look forward and not back...looking forward is usually a better view anyway! it's just so hard to not look back at what once was, what could have been or what you knew when you're faced with the challenge of looking ahead to new laughter, new tears of joy and new happiness...

Life Lessons learned from Broadway Musicals...

I'm starting a new chapter/series today...every couple of days or so there will be a life lesson here, of course with heavy gay influence, given the fact that I am indeed, a gay. ;-p

Today's Musical: Grey Gardens

Misc. Factoid: If you haven't seen the Tony winner...you've missed out. it's a little slow to start, but Christine Ebersole owns that show!

Lesson(s) learned:

We're all looking for the same thing. Despite the circumstances of your birth and upbringing, in the end, we all want to be loved and cared for. Gay, Straight or in between, we all have the need to be taken care of, loved and looked after. Painfully pointed out by the downfall of their lives, these two women (mother and daughter) still ached to be cared for by one another, and their lives would not have been the same without the other.

Life isn't always fair. You can't always get what you want...as the song goes...despite the fact that little Edie desires her own life and fame, she comes back to care for her mother, and make sure she's cared for too. Life isn't always fair...but it is life...and it's the only one we've got...

this concludes today's lesson plans boys and girls...more to come in upcoming weeks...

life's handed me lemons lately...it's summertime - anyone feel like lemonade? ;-p

letting go...

Intellectually I think its time for me to start letting go of my relationship...of my heartache...of Sean. Emotionally though...I don't know if I'm strong enough or if I'm ready to...but optimism has faded and hope is losing ground. I've passed the two week mark, and I've entered into the third week with no communication from him...I know it's hard and he's in a rotten place, but so am I, and I'm worth more than this.

I think it's time to let go...

Matters of the heart...

should the heart rule the head or the head rule the heart? Should it be a balance of the two? I think that balancing the two is the healthier option. What happens though, when your heart aches, and your head wants to start the healing process, but your heart keeps telling you it's not time yet? When do you let the head intervene?

maybe it's better to just keep the walls up and not let anyone in so you don't have to have this internal debate. maybe, as my head keeps thinking, that's the safest thing for your heart...just build a safe room, send the heart there and don't let it out.

how do you love then? I guess I have to learn to balance...or let my heart get crushed...either way...all of life's a lesson.

purple toenails...

in honour of my nephew Connor, who wanted his toes painted pink (that's right Jonathan...I heard! ;-p) my toenails are now purple hued and will remain painted until I go home for Connor birthday at the beginning of next month! Painted toes aren't just for girls...and even if I am laughed out of the party, he'll know it!

I just miss you baby...

so...I'm up and about and functioning this morning...with nothing in particular to do. So, I've had my coffee and will be hitting the gym in a little while...but was just goofing off online, checking email and catching up with the nytimes online...put the earphones in and pulled up itunes. it's on random shuffle of the 3500+ songs in there, and this is the first one that's played...somehow, I think it's gonna sum up my mood for the rest of the day...

Darren Hayes...you write such beautiful music and I cannot wait until the day comes that I can see you live and in person. Otherwise, I'm okay and doing better every day...there's still not a day that I don't think about Sean and miss him, but things are definitely not as difficult as they once were, whatever that means. That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger...I think that applies to relationships too, would stand to reason, right?


"I Miss You"

Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

And when you're fast asleep, I wonder where you go
Can you tell me, I wanna know

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I now understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go, I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope

And I miss you
This is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all

You know I miss you
And this is all I wanna do
I know it doesn't sound too cool
But maybe I'm in love with you

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby
And when you're walking out that door
I know I miss you
You make me wanna ask for more
I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby

Falling...

I fall too hard, too fast, too deep...
My heart in shards, at last, I sleep...
biding my time and waiting my turn
at the elusive game of love...

confusion abounds...

and not at life...I went to see an advance screening of the Kingdom last night with a friend...and I walked away thinking it was a great movie, although very violent and not the typical fare I would go see. I also think that if it's marketed well it will be huge...but today...I was left feeling a little mixed about it...

violence leads to more violence...if we blow them up or they blow us up...who's the terrorists? isn't there a peaceful solution...this is what I've been pondering all day...

I guess it was a good movie...it's made me think!

to sleep...perchance to dream...

sleep is so nice...and not a luxury, but is compeletly necessary for your mental health...

thanks for the gift of sleep last night...so changed my perspective!

the gift of music...

all of the boys I have dated, loved and have had an impact on my life have given me the gift of music at some stage in the relationship...

my first boyfriend Don gave me my love of Savage Garden...I knew who they were when we were dating...but he loved them, and listened to them all the time...and I have to admit, had it not been for that, I might not have bought more than their first album, and not developed my love for Darren Hayes, the frontman. I will remember Don playing "to the moon and back" for me one of the first nights I spent in his bed and just being with him...

JD came along and introduced me to a musical called Jekyll and Hyde and thus, to the voice of Linda Eder...who turned out to be a voice I would listen to after several other bfs went by the wayside. I don't remember when or how I got introduced to the show by JD...but I will always remember a trip to 'topher's on Long Island and singing along...and being told by JD to not sing...harsh! ;-p

Sean re-introduced me to Bon Jovi...yes, I know, Bon Jovi. I like him...no judging the musical taste. Besides, I have to admit that the new CD has at least two tracks on it that I like. Sean's favorite is (You Want to) Make a Memory...and we listened to it over and over again a few weeks ago after the CD came out. He even told me we have many memories to make together, that's yet to be seen, but the hope is there. My favorite is Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore, the duet with Leann Rimes. Say nothing people...the voices actually blend nicely.

I guess my point in all of this is...these are my memories of special people in my life, and whenever I hear the songs or voices, I think of the boys that introduced me to them. So...thanks for the memories...and here's to more to come! Music is everlasting. And this is not to say that other boys haven't introduced me to music that I love...'topher, joey...I'm just choosing to blog about bfs right now...it's my mood and my blog dammit!

it's come down to...

having a RX for sleeping pills so I'll be able to hopefully/finally sleep through an entire night since this whole ordeal began. I wasn't doing myself any good not being able to sleep...and the lack of sleep was only adding to the whole increased anxiety and everything else that's going on...so...it came down to sleeping pills.

I know that sleep can give you a whole new outlook, and I'm hoping a good nights sleep will do me a world of good. we'll see in the am!

I'm a little down today...started out as an apathetic day...then missing Sean (but there hasn't been a day that goes by yet that I haven't missed him...and it is him I miss...not the relationship)...then more upset over my own pity party when I think about how horrible things must be for him...why can't I be more understanding and patient? but...then it's back to the same question...how long is a while and what does that mean?

oy...it's a whirlwind day...and still no luck on a therapist...but getting closer...I can feel it!

blah...and it's raining...even better...I did walk home from the subway in the pouring rain...held my hands out wide...felt good to be wet...reminded me I am alive!

upset...

it's a word that can mean so many things...

I am upset and angry that I haven't heard from Sean...

I am upset and mad at myself for feeling so sorry for me when I know what he's going through is 100x harder...

I am upset at the situation in general...and want it to get better...

Anger...

i'm not so sure it's a useless emotion as some people claim. I know that I probably shouldn't be, but I'm a little angry. I'm feeling a little betrayed. I am worth more than I've been given and I don't know what to do, say or feel anymore. Someone told me last night, that "any boy that makes you cry, isn't worth crying over." I'm not sure I fully agree with that at this point, but I'm starting to see the sense in it.

I'm angry that I don't know if I have a boyfriend or not anymore, I'm angry that it's been more than a week since I've seen him, more than a week since I last actually talked to him, and a week now since I last heard from him. I'm angry that he didn't let me in. I know that he must care about me since he sent me the message to at least let me know what was going on...but how much does he care about me if it's been all this time and he hasn't even bothered to check in, or let me know he's okay.

I don't know which is better...the tears I've already shed and the small pieces that have been ripped out of my heart already, or the fact that now it's been replaced with anger. I miss him, every day. Is that because I don't know if we're still a couple, or he's still my boyfriend, or is it because I really care for him. I think it's a little from column A and a little from column B.

I'm angry that I thought myself a bad person yesterday, because I came to the conclusion that if he comes back and only wants to be friends, I can't do that. I can't do that to my heart. I care about him as more than a friend, and if that's all he can handle, I understand. But, I can't. I can't just be his friend. I didn't start dating him to become his friend. Yesterday I thought I was a bad person for thinking that, because he obviously needs friends, today, the anger is maybe letting me see clearer. It's letting me see that I need to take care of and protect myself, and my heart.

I'm angry because all of this searching for a therapist has turned up nobody that my insurance covers, including people on the list that the insurance company sent me! what's that about? hello...gay man in crisis here...needs a therapist!!! :-) Shopping isn't therapy anymore!

I've been listening to this song alot, not by the original artist (Ben Harper) but a dancier mix by someone named Peyton...not sure how I found it...but glad that I did...I'll Rise

You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies,
you may trod me down in the very dirt.
And still like the dust, I'll rise.
Does my happiness upset you?
Why are you best with gloom cause I laugh,
like I've got an oil well pumpin' in my living room?

So you may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

Now did you want to see me broken,
bowed head and lowered eyes,
shoulders fallen down like teardrops,
weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my confidence upset you?
Don't you take it awful hard cause I walk,
like I've got a diamond mine breakin' up in my front yard.

So you may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

So you may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies.
You may trod me down in the very dirt.
And still like the dust, I'll rise.
Does my happiness upset you?
Why are you best with gloom cause I laugh,
like I've got a goldmine diggin' up in my living room.

You may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

You may shoot me with your words,
you may cut me with your eyes,
and I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
Out of the shacks of history's shame,
up from a past rooted in pain,
I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
I gonna rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.
I'll rise - I'll rise - I'll rise - rise - rise.

am I a bad person if...

I want to protect my heart? if I don't know if I can do this? if I care about him so much that I don't want to lose him, but don't want my heart trod upon either? if I'm thinking these thoughts? I just want him to call me...to see him and hold him again...and for US to be okay...but am I bad because I'm worried about my heart in all of this with all that he's going through?

fight or flight...

it's that age old question...when faced with something life-threatening/changing/hostile, etc. - do you run or rumble?

I used to think I ran from confrontations, unless I created them on my very own...god knows there have been a number of those. I think I am much more of a fighter though. that's not to say that I am planning on getting into any rumbles anytime soon with would be aggressors, but when there's something that I want, I will fight for it, despite the obstacles or adversaries in my way.

I'm definitely not a runner...I'm a New Yorker. This was very evident last night as 'topher and I were walking home from dinner a few blocks from my apt. We were chatting...about what's going on with him...what's going on with me...full from dinner and carrying leftovers when a wanna be thug (complete with wife beater and white bandanna tied around his nose and mouth) comes running up behind us screaming "gimme all your money" and brandishing a BUTTER knife...I mean seriously...this in NYC...did he actually think he was getting anywhere with a butter knife? We turned around looked at him, turned back around, looked at each other and kept on walking. Then about a block down were like...did we just do that? Don't worry...rest assured...as I told 'topher, had he received a flesh wound from the butter knife, I would have held it together with my hands until we got to the hospital about three blocks away! ;-p

Where am I going with all of this? I don't know...but I'm fighting. Fighting for what I want...fighting for a better life...fighting to be the person I know I once was and will be again! Don't count me out...I'm a fighter! (which I think is a much healthier sentiment than being a survivor...)

What If...

there are a lot of what if's running around in my head right now...some that I'm not ready to deal with...

I'm at the vortex of the tornado that is swriling the good and bad of my life all around me right now...and it's bumped my baggage from checked to carry on...

two thoughts...

keep spinning through my head...one is lyrics from an incredible song...
"if I can only hold you now, make the pain just go away...can't stop the tears from running down my face..."

and then there's the other Zen saying...

"No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place"

I like the zen saying...everything happens for a reason...and there's a reason Sean and I got together...no snowflake falls in the wrong place...and we fell into each other...we'll see what happens...

Broke and Desolate...

is how I'm feeling emotionally right now...I need to find my rainbow again...

The Earth turns...

the sun burns...
tides changes...
the boys run...
the oceans crash...
the crowds roar...
the days soar...
the moon glows...
the river flows...
life goes on...
but I'm gone...

I QUIT

I want to quit my life. Have you ever just wanted to quit your life? Even just for a little while? That's what I feel like right now. My boyfriend is having a nervous breakdown after just loosing his mother to ALS. I say that I love my job, but I really can't stand it right now, and I groan when I wake up every morning and dread going in. I want a new job that will give me the time to have a life. I want to make more money. I want to be loved and to love in return. I want the most significant relationship in my life to not be with my blackberry. I want my boyfriend to be well and in my arms again, but, right now, I don't know if that will happen. Most of all...I just want to put life on pause for a minute, enjoy myself and come back when things are better. I guess that wouldn't be life then. So, what do I do in the mean time? How do I cope with this? How do I get through this? I wish I knew. I feel like everything is closing in around me even though I know its not. I cry at the drop of a hat or a hallmark commercial. I feel like my heart is on my sleeve and that my face is constantly streaked with tears. I don't know what to do anymore. Alcohol isn't even numbing the pain. Will sex? What works - somebody - please tell me, NOW! I need the solution and the answers that I am without right now! I don't know what to do! I have never felt like this in my life. I want to quit my life.

OWEN...

you are always with me little one...always!

my guardian angel...that cute and smiling face...all the happiness that you brought...

you will always be with me!

relationships...

I really am enjoying being in one...it's been so long since my last. I have a great time with the bf, regardless of what we're doing...having dinner out, hanging out on the river or just lounging. I still have butterflies in my stomach with that first kiss upon meeting. I smile, okay beam, when I'm talking to him. I can't wait for him to meet my family. we finish each others sentences sometimes, and have the same thoughts at the same time frequently. we look at the same hot guys when we're out (is that wrong), but it's always me who's hand he's holding, or that he has his arms around, or is making out with.

when is it too soon to say the big L word? what if I'm feeling it. when is the right time to not freak either person out?

I have all these doubts and fears...and I try not to let those come into play...but they're always there, in the back of my mind...but the good thoughts are too...plans that we've made together for a while from now...things to do...places to go...

for right now, the only thing I can say is, I'm glad to be in a relationship with him and enjoying every minute I get...