Recovery

I think I talked about it before, but I started the year out by trying barefoot running. Not barefoot, but with those creepy 5 toed shoes. I know, they're creepy...I even think that. But, I had always wanted to try them, they'd be easy to pack when I travel and could save weight and space. I had a gift card I needed to use and decided that I would try them. I had a session with a trainer to talk about stretching and how to use them properly. I geared up and got ready to go. I started running, slowly. I felt it in my calves. I loved it. I could feel every muscle moving. I could really tell the difference when I ran. I was working back up to my former speeds...and it happened. I fell victim to tendonitis. It happens quite frequently it appears with barefoot runners when they first start running. I've been taking it easy and trying not to run and have gone back to sneakers for my work outs while I heal and recover, but it sucks. I want to get back on the wagon and run in them again. I want to be ready to go. I want to be healed. I'm trying not to push it. I haven't run in days and it so sucks!!

Apologies and Foregiveness

When someone offers you a sincere apology - do you forgive and forget? Do you forgive and move on? Do you forgive and continue to hold the grudge?

A bit of self disclosure here - I'm a scorpio, and like many scorpio's I can hold a grudge with the best of them. And as Bette Midler says in Beaches "My memory is long, its very, very long..."

I've been doing some work on myself - a lot over the past few years - and one of the things I'm working on is letting go. Its not as easy as it sounds. I'm an emotional hoarder. Every little betrayal, stab in the back., lie, hurt and abuse is stored in my brain and I can play them over and over again.

In an effort to be a better person though, as some of them come up, I've processed them - thought about how I felt, what put me in that position, what I could have done differently and then dragged them to the trash bin of my mind - in hopes of forgetting them and no longer trying mend a past I cannot change.

Sometimes its a successful effort - a few times, I have to process again. What has all of this brought up for me though? My ability to forgive, but not always forget. I'm trying to get better at the forgetting part - and clearly we aren't talking about serious issues here - like ruined my life or anything like that. Much smaller slights in the grand scheme of things. I've been working harder on the forgive and forget concept - there is a reason you (collectively) are in my life and why I want to keep you in my life - so if I haven't walked away over this incident - why am I holding a grudge or forgiving and moving on when I should be forgiving and forgetting?

I'm getting there - I wish others would too - the world - or at least my part of it, would be a much better place!

Lists...

As long as I can remember, I have been a fan of lists. You can cross things off and have a sense of accomplishment for completing something. You can see what progress you've made and how much more is left to finish. It lets you know where you stand. I make lists all the time. It's a habit. A friend recently turned 40 and has made a list of 40 things he wants to do this year, all before he turns 41. Hearing about that got me thinking - I'll be 40 soon - 21 months. There are a few things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 40. I can't even think about completing 40 things in one year, if I can't finish 40 in 21 months. So I've set out upon my journey. I've made my list of 40 things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 40. Well, I've started the list. There are about 20 things on it so far, and it keeps growing. I seem to find things every few days or so that I want to add to the list. Some things are easy, some are a bit more difficult. Some involve travel, some just involve doing something.

I'm looking forward to actually checking things off this list and saying, with a huge sense of accomplishment that I finished it - before the big 40 rolls around. I am not dreading 40 - I didn't dread 30. I'm looking forward to it actually. I'm looking forward to completing all of those things on my list and being able to hit 40 with a huge sense of accomplishment of all that I completed.

What are we really debating?

It's been a rough day for me, in terms of television viewing. You might scoff, but working in the industry - there's a television in the office. I usually have MSNBC on for the news. There are days (especially with all the hyped up political coverage and BS breaking news stories) that I can't watch the news anymore so I flick around the channels to try and find a marathon (SVU, Law and Order, Tabatha, NCIS - anything to escape the news). Today there was nothing. Wait, there was a marathon of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo. So if you don't want to watch the lies and the deceit and the hypocrisy...oh wait, switching to the RHOBH would be the same thing...never mind.

The Republican debate is on tonight and it's led me to wonder - we're down to 4 candidates now vying for the nomination, but what are we debating? Are we debating which of the four is the least hypocritical? Are we debating which of them is the least racist and homophobic? Are we debating which of them is the most conservative (which in turn, makes them the most racist and homophobic - usually)? Are we debating which of them wants to go up against President Obama in the election with the most altruistic of intentions?

If we were debating any or all of those things, we would not be giving these candidates a free pass on the answers that they give. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they stand up and at the top of their voice proclaim themselves to be a defender of the sanctity of traditional marriage when they themselves are on marriage number 3 after committing adultery twice. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when it's revealed they cheated the system and paid for non-campaign events with campaign funds. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they lie to the public and say that they didn't call for Congressional action, when it can easily be researched, that yes, indeed you did. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they say they have never been homophobic when, indeed, they have - repeatedly. We wouldn't be giving them a pass at all when they attack reporters because they don't like the question. Guess what - you're running for the highest office in the land, perhaps the world. You aren't always going to like the question you're being asked, and you don't get to just bully your way out of answering it.

What are we debating here folks? Blaming the other guy, blaming the incumbent and blaming the middle class is not debating...it's attacking without offering any of your own thoughts. If you'd all get your heads out of your asses long enough to formulate your own opinions and ideas instead of worrying about straying too far from your right leaning, conservative base we might be debating then, but that's hard to tell until it happens.  We can't all agree with each other, and compliment each other's ideas and not offer up any new ones other than criticisms of the current policies and call that a debate - that is just the Good Old Boys network on national television...

Motivation

Some people have it, some people don't. Some people find ways to motivate themselves to do things they might not want to do. Others struggle to find a motivating factor to keep things up. I guess that's why so many people start to hit the gym hard after the holidays, but by now have given up on that goal and have left the gym. I'm not going to lie - the gym is something I struggle with to stay motivated. I know that I have goals, and I know why I go to the gym. It's not for anybody else but me. I want to feel better about how I look and feel. That doesn't keep me motivated though, unfortunately. I have yet to find any motivation to keep me going to the gym - I go because I know it's something I need to do, like eating - but trust me, if there were a pill I could take and look good, I'd be so there. I hate the gym, but I still go. I always stand on the train on the way home and thing, what if I skip today, what would happen. And then I think about it for the 4 stops between work and the gym and I can never come up with a reason or an excuse to not go...so I go. I wouldn't call that motivation though - I don't even call it drive. I just go. I need to find something to motivate me to be there, I clearly haven't yet.

Where's my Loretta Castorini??

When I wake up, it's dark. When I leave the office, it's dark. I get up, get ready for work and go to work. I leave work and go to the gym and work out and go home. I make dinner and relax before I go to bed, to get up and do the same thing over the next day. Sometimes I wonder why. I know why I do to the gym...to keep myself healthy and to lose half my body fat (well, that's my current challenge). I know why I go to work. I know why I eat dinner. I know why I do all the things that I do...I just feel like that's all I do. I wonder why? I wonder what to change and how to change it. I need Loretta Castorini...I need a Snap Out of It! Moment.

Holiday Weekends

I always used to be one of those people that would go into the office on the a holiday Monday like this one. There's work that needs to be done...might as well go in and do it, right? It was quiet, there were no other distractions, I could get a bunch done. It got me nowhere - so why did I do it? I don't know. I'm not anymore. If it's a holiday, I'm taking the holiday. I have flown on holidays, worked on holidays because, where I was in the world for work, it wasn't a holiday. I don't know why or how it got that way, but it's not going to be that way anymore. I took today as a holiday. I slept in until 1130...made coffee, relaxed a bit and then went to the gym for some gym time...got a manicure, shopped a little and came home. Got groceries, made dinner and am relaxing again. Work will begin again tomorrow.

A Little Colour

I've been wanting to paint my room for what feels like forever! I had some basics in mind. It was going to have one wall a darker shade and that would be the colour of all the trim as well, and then all of the other walls would be a lighter colour. The shades would be in the brown and blue schemes. Then I just had to narrow it down. That was a tougher challenge than I thought. I have a handyman that worked on some projects for me and he and I sat down with all of the colour chips after I had it narrowed down to 4 different combinations. Shaved Chocolate is the brown and Porcelain is the blue (it's almost like Tiffany blue - although my roommate says it needs a bit more green for that). I love the colours and the combination. Now that a few of the walls are blue and the main wall is brown...all that's left is the trim and making it all look pretty. I've lived here almost 12 years and I finally have a room that's not the basic white...who knew. It's made all the difference in the world on my outlook and just the whole vibe in my room. Now when the light falls in through the freshly cleaned porticos and the walls are all full of colour I feel fresh and happy.

Reply All

It's one of those functions that you need to use sparingly. Just because the email was originally sent to a whole bunch of people, doesn't mean you need to reply all...use that function only when necessary, otherwise - just reply to those that need to know. And for F@#ks sake if you do reply all, make sure you read the email that you're replying to so you don't look or feel like an idiot by replying with a "You're Welcome" to a Thank You that wasn't meant for you...I'm just saying.

Pet Peeves...

Okay, I know that it's that time of the year. I know that a lot of you decided that it was the time to go back to the gym and get your fit on. Some of us are regular gym goers and are there regularly anyway, not just for a few weeks in January, so let's just discuss some common gym etiquette, shall we?

1) There are bins for your used towels - you don't get to leave wet towels in lockers, on the floor, on the hook in the showers, in the sauna or on the benches. When you're done with them, put them in the proper receptacle.

2) There are NO cell phones or cameras allowed in the locker room...if you are truly committed to your fitness goals, there's absolutely no reason to be sitting on the bench in the locker room for 20 minutes on your blackberry and if the conversation you're having on your iPhone is that important, finish it outside the gym before you come in - the rest of us don't want to hear your lovey-doveys or what company you're angling to take over next.

3) While we're chatting about cell phones - the benches, pec dec machine, stretching area, etc are not phone booths, and I have every RIGHT to ask you if I can work in or if you're using the machine if all you're doing is sitting there on a conversation for 5 minutes and not using the machine - and don't give me any shit about that either. You're not using it and I actually want to - so get out of my way. Now, if you're going to use the machine, that's great, but get off the cell phone and use it - but pick one - because you can't do both.

4) Respect the time limits that the gym sets on machines - especially during Peak Hours - they are there for a reason...so you can't take an hour on the treadmill if the time limit is 30 minutes during peak time...

5) Last, but by NO means LEAST - wipe down the damn benches and cardio machines when you're done with them. There are little wipes all over the damn gym, and you can get a towel - FREE - at the front desk. Pick one up when you check in and carry it with you...you're sweaty and gross (just like I am when I work out) so wipe up after yourself when you're done...I shouldn't have to wipe down the treadmill before I run because you soaked it to the core...it's your sweat...clean it up.

Okay...now, all of these things might not be available at your gym (towels, wipes, etc) but they are available at mine...and let's face it, I'm being a bit vain and narcissistic right now and talking about me and my gym. Every year, I seem to look forward to two things...the first week in January when a big tree comes down and work gets a bit easier to navigate and the beginning of February, when the weak are eliminated and stop coming to the gym...

Difficulty

So, I want to drop some body fat...that means that I need to be really conscious about what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat. We're not just talking meals, we're talking how much protein vs fat I'm getting. We're talking ratios and tracking calories and making sure that everything in my body is being worked off so I have a deficit at the end of the day and therefore burn the leftover fat that's already in my body...this is tough. I knew it wasn't going to be easy...but I've never done this much math just to eat before in my life! If I shed the bodyfat and lose some tonnage, I will be really happy and the work will all be worth it...

it takes work...

it takes work to have your hot water colder than your cold water. It takes work to let that happen for 36 hours. It takes work to post all kinds of signs about when, by law, the heat will be on and when it won't and also what temperature it will be, but not even post a sign that the heat and hot water are out, and when the estimated fix will take place. It takes work to be as incompetent as my management company and building super. It takes work to piss off an entire building in NYC, and trust me, after talking to a few other residents in the elevator on the way to the super, we're all pissed off. Seriously...it's more work to ignore all of us and the situation, not answer your door, or your phone than it is to print up a few signs and post them at the front door, the mailboxes and the elevator so people know what's going on. Just keep us informed...that's all...it's relatively simple.

Function over Fashion?

I don't consider myself a fashionista. I don't follow every trend, but I try and stay on top of what's fashionable. I dress for the occasion, and appropriately. I'm not a SATC girl. I do however, know that some things are not fashionable. Crocs are NEVER fashionable, and, unless your gardening should never be worn out of the home.

I broke down though, and bought some of those 5 toe/barefoot shoes. I'd heard mixed reviews about them...good and bad, but you hear that about everything these days. Eggs are good for you...eggs are bad for you. Who knows what to believe anymore. You have to do what works for you. Anyway...these 5 toe/barefoot shoes always creep me out...honestly. A few factors led to my decision to ignore fashion and go for function. They increase your running stamina, and you can actually run far more efficiently. They are light weight and can easily be packed inside other shoes - which means they are going to be amazing for traveling. I just need to get used to them, which means re-training myself and getting used to going for the distances I'm used to going and as quickly as I am accustomed to. A bit of time to get used to them and I'm right as rain...even though I feel like a right idiot in them...

Family Values

Why is it that you are "sticking up for Family Values" when you rail against gays getting married or adopting, YET, when we question how you can be a Family Values candidate after 2 divorces - we are the ones on the attcak?

How come you shout and scream that Family Values are paramount, YET, when we're questioning a value you've imposed on your family, we're on the attack? You put it out there.

How come Family Values means putting value on a family, YET, you want to destroy so many loving LGBT families?

How come you can quote Family Values as a reason for denying Marriage Equality, yet when we try and point out, that it's because of Family Values that we want to get married and raise kids we're taking things out of context?

How can you say that you are for Family Values and want to "defend marriage," YET only want to keep the LGBT community from getting married? You're not doing anything to outlaw divorces. I mean, we know I'm a slick, NYC liberal, so I might have this wrong, but I think divorce is doing more harm to traditional marriage than the loving gays that want that right.

How can you say you are for Family Values, yet want to cut public assistance? You do know that military families rely on food stamps at twice the rate of civilians? You do know that that assistance is what is helping some families stay afloat during these trying economic times, right? If you cut those programs, you would be hurting those families. How is that Family Values?


How can you say your are for Family Values and not support a woman's right to chose, but then demonize and demean her if she does get an abortion OR if she keeps the child and raises it as a single parent, outside your Family Values? She's in a no win situation.

How can you say you are for Family Values, YET, you try and force YOUR religious beliefs down everyone else's throat? Don't all families have the right to determine their own religion? Or did you mean that only if they chose yours?

How can I have been the product of a traditional family, full of the Family Values you espouse, yet I'm demonized by you now as a threat to society?

How can you say you are for Family Values at all?

The words I should have said...

the things I should have done. I try not to live my life looking backwards, replaying a situation in my head over and over again - wondering what would have happened if I had said this or done that. There are times though that I haven't done anything, haven't said anything and should have. I'm not looking back and pin pointing situations, but I'm just venting it all right now...getting it out in the open, letting it all air...and then letting it float away with the wind...into the ether...and out of my head.

I should have left the room, more than once, when you made bigoted comments, but didn't because I was afraid of what would be said. I should have not put up with the bigotry, but I did and dismissed it as just your way.

I should have told you how I felt about you...that I liked you, was attracted to you and intrigued by you...but I didn't and now you're dating someone.

I should have told you that it pissed me off that you chose to fuck around with someone you knew I was interested in, but chose to do it behind my back and then ask for my permission and pretend it hadn't happened yet.

I should have demanded that you tell me what I did to upset you and make you not speak to me, until you were on limited time, instead of letting you pawn it off as you were letting bygones be bygones and couldn't even remember what it was all over anyway. Bullshit...you knew, and you're not the only one...and you both pretended that you didn't, and one of you still pretends.

When you were flirting with me, I should have been braver and looked into those gorgeous eyes and amazing smile and flirted back.

I should have held you more, in the short time that you were with us...watched you coo and smile more...my little angel.

When you were staring at me, trying to will me to look up at you, I should have not buried my nose in my book...

I should have questioned why everyone I introduced to the group becomes closer to others and more distant from me once they're introduced...

I should have questioned you more...gotten more of your knowledge...learned more about what your life was like...and now I don't have the chance, and only have the limited stories that I remember...

I should have treasured more of the vacations we took as a kid...with the grandparents and without...to camp...and everywhere else, because now I look back and wish I had that time again...

I should have told you by now...all the times that we hang out...all the conversations...all the fun...that I'm interested and intrigued by you...and want to ask you out...

I should have not been afraid of reactions, rejection, confrontation or anger...and said and done the things I should have...but I didn't...and now they're out in the ether. Hopefully, when confronted with the situations again in the future, I will have the courage to say and do what I should...

Fit not Fat

it's become my new logo/words to live by for the new year. I have the goal of dropping 10% bodyfat by June 1, and I'm doing my best to meet that goal. It means that for right now, there's no ice cream, chocolate, not a lot of sugar...all things I like. I want to get to a good weight/bodyfat level that I can actually maintain without looking anorexic. I want to be around. I am sick of fighting my genes, and while I'm doing a better job than others...I want to kind of do a body reset by getting down the bodyfat and re-train my taste buds. It's not going to be easy and there will be a bunch that I am giving up, but I think it's worth it for my overall health.

I just watched a great video today, put together by a doctor, and the sole premise was please keep your sleeping and sitting to only 23 1/2 hours a day and use that extra 30 minutes to do something physical. When you put it that way...there really are no excuses to not work out regularly for at least 30 minutes a day. All makes sense!

someone like you

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you...I wish nothing but the best for you too. Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead."

If you've every heard Adele's hauntingly beautiful song Someone Like You you'll recognize those lyrics. Everyone reacts to music differently, but to me, that song is all about losing your first love. Being gay, it's rare that your first love is your last love, unless of course you're a lesbian and the Subaru is packed after the 2nd date - I kid (but only a little)! It's often a topic of conversation...do you love anyone as much as  you loved that first love? I would like to think so, but I also know that everyone is compared to that first love. I'm not sure that is a good or bad thing...it is what it is.

I long ago learned not the question the love that came into my life...and all the good and bad that came with it. You live, you love, you learn. You move on. You were loved, for however long. You hold your breath and wait for the next love, and along the way you get your heart broken (hopefully not much) and you learn to narrow down the field of suitors. Sometimes you feel like Blanche Devereaux with too many possibilities and other times you're Dorothy Zbornak - home alone on the couch on a Saturday night.

Despite it all, the ups and the downs...you keep your eyes looking straight ahead (you're too easily distracted by things passing by if you don't) and you hope that you catch the gaze of someone who's gaze you catch...the sparks will fly...the chemistry will be there...and then...I'll find someone like you...

Breaking Cycles...

I think that I have a tendency to hold onto things for sentimental reasons. I don't know why. I'm not a hoarder...my apt is not filled to the brim with boxes and bags of stuff that I'll never use or don't even know why I have them. I just sometimes hold onto things. I tend to put things in piles as I clean...to organize them. Sometimes those piles stay in one place for a while, other times they are dealt with swiftly. I'm keeping less and less these days. I get it from my grandmother and my Dad. I know that. My Dad could probably find you minutes from his very first school board meeting, if you needed him to and gave him time. Mind you, he was elected to the school board when I was in kindergarten...and lets just say I have been out of high school for 20 years now. I used to keep all the bills when I paid them...marked with when I paid and the check number and amount. Why? No clue. I had files and files of them that I finally had shredded and destroyed. I can look at the cancelled check and prove it was paid if I need to, and, thankfully, alot is paid online these days, so I don't have to keep those piles of paper anymore!

I love when I get rid of some piles...it feels less cluttered, more spacious. Now I just need to apply that to some other areas of my life...here's to hoping! Every week I watch Hoarders, I just think to myself...it's not me and I know that it isn't. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped giving my parents things/objects though. I send them to dinner for birthdays...a trip for their anniversary...a Broadway show for Christmas. Now I give them memories...which, in the long run, are better anyway!

Fit not Fat

That's what my motto for 2012 is going to be. I talked a bit yesterday about my resolutions, one of which is to drop 10% bodyfat by June 1. That's 5 full months. That's 2% per month. That's .5% a week. That's a lot of work. I'm sick of feeling fat though. Even if it is only gay fat/straight skinny, I'm sick of sitting down and feeling like I have a gut. I don't like that. I have wanted the bit of belly gone for a while now, but this is taking that to a whole new level. I've taken some before pictures, and I'll take a new picture on the 1st of every month to track my progress. I am assuming that I will be able to feel my progress more than see it at first, but in the end, it will all pay off. It means that my eating will be a bit restricted. Lots of protein, not a lot of fat. Not a lot of sugar and I'm not sure how I feel about unsweetened coffee...but if I'm going to make this work, I might have to get used to it. I really don't want to pull too much from my diet, as I don't feel like that is realistic. When I get to where I want to go and start eating what I like again, it's all going to come back. This has to be about a lifestyle change. This has to be about small indulgences and not huge ones. This has to be about calories in versus calories out. This is going to kick my ass...but hopefully, some of it will disappear!  =)