Masculinity

What makes someone masculine?  What makes someone feminine?  It's something that I have struggled with for most of my life.  Even in elementary and high school I was the one being picked on for not being masculine enough.  It's always made me wonder what defines masculinity.  I've come to my own conclusions, they differ from other people though. 

I personally believe that masculinity is defined from within.  Just because you have bulging muscles and facial hair doesn't make you masculine.  You can be rail thin and wiry and be more masculine than a muscle boy.  It's how you feel and project yourself.  I am a man, I am therefore masculine.  I know that I have my moments where the feminine side shows.  I can be emotional, I can be romantic - I'm gay - but that doesn't make me any less masculine than other men out there.  I have a penis, and trust me when I tell you I know what one is, I've seen plenty of them!  I am a man.  I do not let what I wear, what my apt looks like, how I smell, what shoes I wear or what bag I carry define my masculinity.

I wear clothes that fit me well, are stylish and comfortable.  I like my apt to be clean an orderly, I have a sense of style.  I like to smell good, and have a few scents I really like to wear.  I like to have a variety of shoes to wear, but don't call me Imelda Marcos.  The bag I carry is functional, it accommodates everything I need it to:  the book I'm currently reading, my gym clothes, the water bottle, the coffee thermos, my iPod and headphones, etc.  None of those things define who I am with regard to my masculinity, at least not to me.

Imagine my surprise then when I'm told in the locker room of the gym last night by some ass, clearly, that my bag was not masculine enough and I should get something else.  The dumb schmuck didn't know what hit him, or who he was dealing with when I replied:
That's odd, because the same could be said about your shoes.  At least I don't let objects define my masculinity, good luck to you though, since clearly you do.

His jaw dropped, and I made my exit...I should write a show...or a book!  I love being sarcastic and witty and being able to think on my feet...I think that's the blessing of being an out gay man that doesn't really care what everyone else thinks.

Arrival Day

For a long time, Valentine's day hasn't really meant anything to me - whether I've been with someone or not.  It's just another day.  I'm a romantic by nature, I don't need a special day on the calendar to remind me to hold someone's hand and tell them I love them.

For 27 years though, Feb 15th has been a very special day in my family.  It's the day we celebrate my sister entering our lives.  She's my sister, and I regularly forget that she's adopted, but today always reminds me.  Not because we think of her any differently because she's adopted, but because we celebrate how much we wanted her in our lives.  My mom and dad really wanted a little girl.  They got sorta close with me, way off base with my brother, and figured, why take a chance and adopted my sister.

My sister and I have always been really close, and she's taught me so much about inner strength and fortitude, and just having the courage to be yourself.  I love her so much...so today it's about her!  Happy Arrival Day Bean!

Hallmark Holidays...

So, today was Valentines Day - the highest and holiest of the hallmark holidays!  It's completely over-rated.  Single or with someone, I never really put too much stock in the importance of this hyped up holiday.  It's really just another day, and do you need a special reason to say I Love You to someone?  If you do, one day isn't going to help you!

Why is it that love is in the air for Valentine's Day and the other days seem forgotten?  When I worked in higher education, I used to sponsor Anti-Valentine's Day parties - whether I was single or not.  There are a ton of single people out there that just end up getting depressed at all the over hype this day has in store, is it any wonder there's some resentment there?

This year, I am single yet again, and my usual Valentine (my best friend) is across the pond, hopefully having a very good time with a boy - I wish him all the best!  I cleaned, re-arranged furniture, went to the gym, ran a few errands, bought myself something nice, and have had a lazy Sunday lounging about watching tv and lots of gay movies.  Would I rather have had someone's hand to hold, hell yeah - will that feeling be there tomorrow the same as it was the day before?  Hell yes.  I'm a romantic at heart - Valentine's Day does not change that!

So, happy Hallmark Holiday y'all!  Besides, for me, tomorrow is the most important day - Arrival Day!

It's Not Mean if it's True

So, I live by this quote. I've taught it to others who are now bowing down to the alter of INMIIT! I know mean, I can be a bitch. I have seen and been mean at points in my life. Simply pointing out the truth is not mean, it's the truth. There's a difference. It's a huge difference. I'm not inherently mean, but when I tell the truth, sometimes it can be mistaken as mean.

Pointing out that someone's customer service skills are lacking, when indeed they are, is not mean, it's true. Telling the person they're stupid and slow is mean. Telling a waiter that he screwed up the order is not mean, it's true. Telling the waiter he's a fuck up is mean. See the difference. It can be a subtle difference, but it's there.

Just remember, it's not mean if it's true.

Give it all away...

So, maybe I'm lonely. Maybe I'm not as much of a recovering romantic as I'd like to be and more of a hopeless one. Maybe it's my time of the month and the hormones are acting up. I don't know, but lately I'm just very emotional.

Dating in this town is tough, and I'm getting older, never a good mix. It's kind of lonely out there sometimes. I'm not saying I am lonely, just that it can be and is at times. It sunk in the other night when I took my best friend to a function as my date. Now, don't get me wrong, we have, over the years, been dates for each other at several different functions and we always enjoy ourselves. It's not that. It's not that I wasn't extremely happy to have him with me. It was more the thought that I brought my best friend and everyone else had a date.

Why don't I have dates? Why can't I find someone to get past date 3 with? Is it just this city? Is it me? I don't know, but I intend to take more time this year trying to find out...and at the same time, have more dates...

I...will learn to live before I die...

I fell in love with music at a young age. I have a wide array of music in my collection. There are showtunes (I'm a gay man, go figure), opera, pop, jazz, classical...you name it and I probably have at least a little in my collection.

I fell in love with Boyzone one of the first times that I heard the band. I fell in love with them even more when in 1999, one of the members, Stephen Gately, came out of the closet. Risky back then. He had an amazing voice, and an amazing smile.

I have followed them through the years, what was supposed to be their comeback, their CD's, the news, solo CDS...you name it. There's just something about them. I know, you'll probably argue that it's all just sugary pop. And, it is. I just like their sound, the way their voices blend, the harmony, the music they create.

I was saddened when Stephen passed away last year. It hit me kind of hard. He came out not long after I did. If he could do it, I could. In fact, I think he was one of the first celebrities that came out back then that was around my age. Maybe that's why I followed him closely. I don't know.

Anyway, cut to today. Boyzone have released the first single from their upcoming CD (due to drop in March) and it's the last track that Stephen recorded. The first words sung are in Stephen's voice. They are haunting: "I...will learn to live before I die. Will learn to love and learn to try, not to give it all away."

It's an amazingly beautiful track. I haven't been able to stop listening to it. I can't wait to be in the UK later this spring to pick up their new CD...just for this track, although I'm sure I will like the rest as well.

I can't embed the video, that's been disabled. But here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n8fxrejX78

I'm a Bitch, I'm a lover...

I am a New York City Bitch. I learned it here. I honed my skills and timing here. I am not a bitch by nature. I am a kind, sweet person, but in NYC with all the stupidity and cluelessness that is present, my inner bitch comes out.

I am not a bitch in the sense that I will tear you to shreds for no reason what-so-ever. I won't chew you up and spit you out for wearing a bad outfit, or the wrong shoes and bag combination. If, on the other hand you stop at the top of the escalator, thus causing a back-up, for no apparent reason, don't expect me to keep my mouth closed. If you're the family of four that was walking in front of me earlier, all spread out and taking up the width of the sidewalk all while walking slower than an icicle melts in February, and you turn around with a look of disgust when I politely say excuse me, may I get by - did you honestly not expect me to say something back? I was polite when I asked to get by and YOU were taking up the whole sidewalk. There was no need for the dirty look. The same holds true for the man last night on the crowded subway home. I had been in my seat for three stops, comfortably, and only taking up the space I was supposed to. The seat between me and another rider was average sized. You were easily 4x's larger than the seat you tried to squeeze your fat ass into, thus squeezing me and the other nice rider out of our seats. You could have said thank you, instead you said you had wondered when we were going to move to let you sit, and then you acted flabbergasted when both she and I were like, excuse me - WE were there first and its not my fault your fat ass won't fit in one seat - maybe you should have walked the 2 stops/15 blocks and burned a few calories - you could definitely use the exercise!

So, you see - I'm not a bitch unless I'm provoked. I'm still labeled a bitch though. I am at the point where I embrace that. It's not so much bitchy as it is, I speak the truth - if you can't handle the truth - stay at home in your little fantasy world.