Recovery

I think I talked about it before, but I started the year out by trying barefoot running. Not barefoot, but with those creepy 5 toed shoes. I know, they're creepy...I even think that. But, I had always wanted to try them, they'd be easy to pack when I travel and could save weight and space. I had a gift card I needed to use and decided that I would try them. I had a session with a trainer to talk about stretching and how to use them properly. I geared up and got ready to go. I started running, slowly. I felt it in my calves. I loved it. I could feel every muscle moving. I could really tell the difference when I ran. I was working back up to my former speeds...and it happened. I fell victim to tendonitis. It happens quite frequently it appears with barefoot runners when they first start running. I've been taking it easy and trying not to run and have gone back to sneakers for my work outs while I heal and recover, but it sucks. I want to get back on the wagon and run in them again. I want to be ready to go. I want to be healed. I'm trying not to push it. I haven't run in days and it so sucks!!

Apologies and Foregiveness

When someone offers you a sincere apology - do you forgive and forget? Do you forgive and move on? Do you forgive and continue to hold the grudge?

A bit of self disclosure here - I'm a scorpio, and like many scorpio's I can hold a grudge with the best of them. And as Bette Midler says in Beaches "My memory is long, its very, very long..."

I've been doing some work on myself - a lot over the past few years - and one of the things I'm working on is letting go. Its not as easy as it sounds. I'm an emotional hoarder. Every little betrayal, stab in the back., lie, hurt and abuse is stored in my brain and I can play them over and over again.

In an effort to be a better person though, as some of them come up, I've processed them - thought about how I felt, what put me in that position, what I could have done differently and then dragged them to the trash bin of my mind - in hopes of forgetting them and no longer trying mend a past I cannot change.

Sometimes its a successful effort - a few times, I have to process again. What has all of this brought up for me though? My ability to forgive, but not always forget. I'm trying to get better at the forgetting part - and clearly we aren't talking about serious issues here - like ruined my life or anything like that. Much smaller slights in the grand scheme of things. I've been working harder on the forgive and forget concept - there is a reason you (collectively) are in my life and why I want to keep you in my life - so if I haven't walked away over this incident - why am I holding a grudge or forgiving and moving on when I should be forgiving and forgetting?

I'm getting there - I wish others would too - the world - or at least my part of it, would be a much better place!

Lists...

As long as I can remember, I have been a fan of lists. You can cross things off and have a sense of accomplishment for completing something. You can see what progress you've made and how much more is left to finish. It lets you know where you stand. I make lists all the time. It's a habit. A friend recently turned 40 and has made a list of 40 things he wants to do this year, all before he turns 41. Hearing about that got me thinking - I'll be 40 soon - 21 months. There are a few things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 40. I can't even think about completing 40 things in one year, if I can't finish 40 in 21 months. So I've set out upon my journey. I've made my list of 40 things I'd like to accomplish before I turn 40. Well, I've started the list. There are about 20 things on it so far, and it keeps growing. I seem to find things every few days or so that I want to add to the list. Some things are easy, some are a bit more difficult. Some involve travel, some just involve doing something.

I'm looking forward to actually checking things off this list and saying, with a huge sense of accomplishment that I finished it - before the big 40 rolls around. I am not dreading 40 - I didn't dread 30. I'm looking forward to it actually. I'm looking forward to completing all of those things on my list and being able to hit 40 with a huge sense of accomplishment of all that I completed.

What are we really debating?

It's been a rough day for me, in terms of television viewing. You might scoff, but working in the industry - there's a television in the office. I usually have MSNBC on for the news. There are days (especially with all the hyped up political coverage and BS breaking news stories) that I can't watch the news anymore so I flick around the channels to try and find a marathon (SVU, Law and Order, Tabatha, NCIS - anything to escape the news). Today there was nothing. Wait, there was a marathon of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo. So if you don't want to watch the lies and the deceit and the hypocrisy...oh wait, switching to the RHOBH would be the same thing...never mind.

The Republican debate is on tonight and it's led me to wonder - we're down to 4 candidates now vying for the nomination, but what are we debating? Are we debating which of the four is the least hypocritical? Are we debating which of them is the least racist and homophobic? Are we debating which of them is the most conservative (which in turn, makes them the most racist and homophobic - usually)? Are we debating which of them wants to go up against President Obama in the election with the most altruistic of intentions?

If we were debating any or all of those things, we would not be giving these candidates a free pass on the answers that they give. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they stand up and at the top of their voice proclaim themselves to be a defender of the sanctity of traditional marriage when they themselves are on marriage number 3 after committing adultery twice. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when it's revealed they cheated the system and paid for non-campaign events with campaign funds. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they lie to the public and say that they didn't call for Congressional action, when it can easily be researched, that yes, indeed you did. We wouldn't be giving them a pass when they say they have never been homophobic when, indeed, they have - repeatedly. We wouldn't be giving them a pass at all when they attack reporters because they don't like the question. Guess what - you're running for the highest office in the land, perhaps the world. You aren't always going to like the question you're being asked, and you don't get to just bully your way out of answering it.

What are we debating here folks? Blaming the other guy, blaming the incumbent and blaming the middle class is not debating...it's attacking without offering any of your own thoughts. If you'd all get your heads out of your asses long enough to formulate your own opinions and ideas instead of worrying about straying too far from your right leaning, conservative base we might be debating then, but that's hard to tell until it happens.  We can't all agree with each other, and compliment each other's ideas and not offer up any new ones other than criticisms of the current policies and call that a debate - that is just the Good Old Boys network on national television...

Motivation

Some people have it, some people don't. Some people find ways to motivate themselves to do things they might not want to do. Others struggle to find a motivating factor to keep things up. I guess that's why so many people start to hit the gym hard after the holidays, but by now have given up on that goal and have left the gym. I'm not going to lie - the gym is something I struggle with to stay motivated. I know that I have goals, and I know why I go to the gym. It's not for anybody else but me. I want to feel better about how I look and feel. That doesn't keep me motivated though, unfortunately. I have yet to find any motivation to keep me going to the gym - I go because I know it's something I need to do, like eating - but trust me, if there were a pill I could take and look good, I'd be so there. I hate the gym, but I still go. I always stand on the train on the way home and thing, what if I skip today, what would happen. And then I think about it for the 4 stops between work and the gym and I can never come up with a reason or an excuse to not go...so I go. I wouldn't call that motivation though - I don't even call it drive. I just go. I need to find something to motivate me to be there, I clearly haven't yet.

Where's my Loretta Castorini??

When I wake up, it's dark. When I leave the office, it's dark. I get up, get ready for work and go to work. I leave work and go to the gym and work out and go home. I make dinner and relax before I go to bed, to get up and do the same thing over the next day. Sometimes I wonder why. I know why I do to the gym...to keep myself healthy and to lose half my body fat (well, that's my current challenge). I know why I go to work. I know why I eat dinner. I know why I do all the things that I do...I just feel like that's all I do. I wonder why? I wonder what to change and how to change it. I need Loretta Castorini...I need a Snap Out of It! Moment.

Holiday Weekends

I always used to be one of those people that would go into the office on the a holiday Monday like this one. There's work that needs to be done...might as well go in and do it, right? It was quiet, there were no other distractions, I could get a bunch done. It got me nowhere - so why did I do it? I don't know. I'm not anymore. If it's a holiday, I'm taking the holiday. I have flown on holidays, worked on holidays because, where I was in the world for work, it wasn't a holiday. I don't know why or how it got that way, but it's not going to be that way anymore. I took today as a holiday. I slept in until 1130...made coffee, relaxed a bit and then went to the gym for some gym time...got a manicure, shopped a little and came home. Got groceries, made dinner and am relaxing again. Work will begin again tomorrow.