Playing Golf...

No, I don't play. I've never had the interest or desire to learn or want to play. There's nothing wrong with the sport, it's just that if I want to do something to decompress, for me, that's not walking around in spikes chasing a little ball. I've become a huge fan of the new TV show The Newsroom. I didn't want to like it. I didn't want a show to have to DVR and follow. I liked it, despite not wanting to. Anyway, on a recent episode Jane Fonda's character tells a joke about Jesus and Moses playing golf, the punchline of which is "Look, you wanna play golf, or you wanna fuck around?"

I loved the line at the time I first heard it and the more and more I've tossed it around my head the more I've grown to realize that it's a very defining line. I'm at a point right now that I have the hugest of crushes on someone. I have for a while. He's caught me staring (and not broken eye contact by the way). He's mentioned me to a mutual friend, my running coach, who insists that he has definitely noticed me. He's a trainer at the gym. I get so intimidated - I'm not that guy. I'm not the gym bunny...I go, I work out and I go where I need to next. I don't get that kind of attention, and that's okay with me, so when I do, I don't know what to do.

This kind of crush hasn't happened to me in the longest of times. I don't know how to react to it. I get all tongue tied, my heart races, I get sweaty when he gets near. I've only ever managed to say hello and thanks to him. I need to say more. I need to buck up and not be a 5th grade school girl. Do I wanna play golf or do I wanna fuck around? Well, I'm sick of fucking around...so I guess I need to step up and play golf!

Two Sides to Every Coin

okay, first of all it's been way too long since I've just got the thoughts out. Way too long. I've been on the road again, and planned a vacation for later this month (I had to look up what vacation meant too, don't worry). It's not an excuse, one of my goals for this year was to be more active on here. I'm dropping this line now...if you are at all under the impression that I am virginal and pure, stop reading now and go here.

If you're still reading, you are not under the impression that I am virginal. Good. I'm not. When I'm on the road for work, I have no problems going out to the bar, meeting new people and hooking up. No problems. None. My track record is quite good, well above average, in some places better than others. When it comes to putting myself out there to date, I tend to become shy and introverted. I don't know why and I've been trying to figure it out.

I think it's because when I am interested in someone, I want to know them better, it's not all about the sex. When it's just a hook up, I know it's just all about the sex. I don't care about just the sex. Wait, that sounds wrong. I mean, I like sex, I'm a gay guy. I just don't need to care about the sex. That's a huge step from where I was about 13 years ago, where the two were far more intertwined. That's the crux of my problem I think. When I approach the situation as just sex/a hookup/casual it's easy, I'm confident. It's sex. I know what I'm doing and how much fun it can and will be. When I want more than just sex, there's more riding on the outcome and I become shy and introverted. (I know, some of you don't know that side of me so you're a bit confused...sorry).

It's harder to say hi to someone I am interested in with the potential for more than sex than it would be if I knew it were just sex. Sex I can get anytime...I want the connection with a person for the relationship to have a chance...even if it's only one date. That's what makes me nervous I guess. I don't know how the other person feels...what they are thinking about the situation, about me. If I know I'm just getting sex...so easy. Now I just need to learn how to say hello outside of that scenario...or I'll never get another date!