Life is for leading, for not people pleasing...

it's the lyrics to the new Darren Hayes song - On the Verge of Something Wonderful. If you haven't heard it...google it. It's a great, catchy tune...and hopefully it will be BIG! I was watching the video last night on Logo of all places in between shows or something.

I will admit that the tune is one that I've been humming and had already pre-ordered the CD (it should be in my mailbox today I hope) and love this song for it's catchy tune and Darren...but I really listened to the lyrics last night and it's such a bright and hopeful song!

I feel like it's the perfect song for my life right now...I'm on the verge of something wonderful. I don't know what it is, and I'm not sure where it will lead me, but I'm on the verge...

I've learned to take more responsiblilty for own happiness and where I'm headed in life. I'm coming out of the darkness I was in. I know that I have a lot to offer...in life, in my career and in relationships...I'm getting there. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to embrace some fear. I'm learning, as the song says, that life is for leading, not people pleasing as that's a game that has never been won.

I plan on winning my life...that's all there is to it!

Life Lessons Learned from Broadway Musicals - Part 2

okay...so it's been a month since my last LLLfBM, so it's time for another.

Today's Musical: RENT

Lesson Learned: there's No Day but Today.

It's one of the central themes of the musical - both the stage show and the movie adaptation. There is no day but today. Seize it. Live it. Make your life yours. Make your days count. Don't look back with regret and say I wish I could have done that, or tried that or did it differently.

It all can come and go in a heartbeat - boys, friends, jobs, relationships - life moves at breakneck speed, go ahead and make the most of it while you've got it, there's No Day but Today.

My life has changed so much in the last little bit, that I think this is the best advice that I can give myself of anyone else. I am learning to live for the day and not regret what's happened or worry about what's to come. That's easier said than done, but I am trying. I try not to put too much weight on my next date with J, or when he calls. I try not to get too wrapped up with work and let it overcome ad choke my life (that's the more difficult challenge). I try to just live like there's No Day but Today, and end the day knowing that I've done something good, something positive, something that made me smile. If I can do that, I've got it made!

weekends...

I often times complain during the season that I don't see enough of them and that I have none. I have them now and find myself wondering what to do with them. Oy! What's to be done with me. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Or something to do to keep my busy until I lose them again! ;-p

cat and mouse...

I despise the game of cat and mouse that can end up getting played at the beginning of relationships. really. seriously. it serves no purpose. you either like me and want to spend time with me or you don't. I either like you and want to spend time with you, or I don't. it's great when you're both on the same page about things. sometimes it's great when you're not. either way, this whole, lots of phone calls/texts and communication and then not so much and then lots again and plans, and maybe not plans...ughhh!!!

it's exhausting. it's not clingy if we both like each other and want to spend time together. it doesn't mean we're in a relationship...it doesn't mean we're boyfriends...it just means that we like each other, enjoy spending time together and want to see what happens...

this cat and mouse is exhausting, nerve-wracking and really...just not worth it!

keeping things at bay...

depression sucks!

it doesn't look like I got the job I'd been interviewing for and was excited about...
I haven't heard from the boy I've been seeing in a while despite an incredible date on tuesday night and a huge connection...
I have to work tomorrow for most of the day...

I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night, trying to keep depression at bay...and it's so hard! I have cried three times this evening...not counting once at the gym while watching Father of the Bride Part 2 of all things!

How do I let myself get like this? Why do I let myself get like this? Why can't I learn to not get so attached, or not to get attached quickly? I just felt like J was as attached as I was...if not more since he was doing equal amounts of reaching out and staying connected.

Crying sucks...and I don't know how to stop myself. Maybe I do need medication? Maybe I can't keep things at bay anymore. Maybe I need to stop pretending that everything is all right...it's not! I hate being shit on! I hate feeling like this! I hate that I don't seem in control of my emotions! I hate that I can't have a job that will let me have a life! I'm sick of this...

Maybe I just need a walk in the park...or a dog...which would be an excuse for a walk in the park...I just don't know anymore...and that's the part that sucks...we know how much I like not being in control. Why can't I just let go?

2 Inches...

and no boys, it's not what you think...geez...get your mind out of the gutter! It's about two inches that I have lost off my waist in the last 5 months! I am very happy with my progress and the way that things are shaping up! You have no idea the amount of will-power and perseverance that it's taken to keep up with the trainer and the gym, and cardio, etc. I'm so not programmed for that. I'm getting there...but I don't want to be a gym clone! Protein shakes, sensible meals, no sweets...these were things that weren't in my vocabulary months ago. They are things that I now find myself thinking about regularly.

What I'm most proud of is the fact that I'm doing it for me...and to fight the family genes as long as I can, so I can fit into my jeans! ;-p

new phones...

okay...so I wake up to an opressively hot NYC morning yesterday. the city had been brought to a near stand-still with 3" of rain in an hour or so - none of the subways were functioning well and my phone was dead! As in won't turn on and dead! I had sent a boy a message the night before after he left my apt and then plugged it in to charge. nada, zip, nothing!

so...I WALK to work at Rock Plaza (yes...60 blocks away) and start the day. I spend the afternoon on the phone with Verizon customer service and in two different Verizon wireless stores, but walk out with a new phone. I actually really like it, and between the early upgrade credit and an in store rebate, the phone will cost me less than $50...love that even more!

only problem is that I can't turn the other one on, so I can't transfer numbers...I think I have them all...but not sure!

did I mention that I cooked for a boy for our third date on tuesday? we went for drinks and then back to the apt for me to cook. we had a great night! hoping there's more to come!

George...

I missed George over the weekend. I went back home to mom and dads for my nephews 3rd birthday (let's not talk about how old I feel because of that) and it wasn't the same not sleeping with George.

Before y'all go getting the wrong idea...George is my bodypillow. I figured if I was sleeping with him every night, he deserved a name!

Sleeping with George again last night...ah so restful, so peaceful!

Cleaning Up...

so...two days of interviews...a whirlwind of a few days time...great date...great interviews all for one job...and one thing is for certain...I apparently clean up nicely...

day two of interviewings outfit...think I looked better on day one...but hey...a boy can't be picky!