The words I should have said...

the things I should have done. I try not to live my life looking backwards, replaying a situation in my head over and over again - wondering what would have happened if I had said this or done that. There are times though that I haven't done anything, haven't said anything and should have. I'm not looking back and pin pointing situations, but I'm just venting it all right now...getting it out in the open, letting it all air...and then letting it float away with the wind...into the ether...and out of my head.

I should have left the room, more than once, when you made bigoted comments, but didn't because I was afraid of what would be said. I should have not put up with the bigotry, but I did and dismissed it as just your way.

I should have told you how I felt about you...that I liked you, was attracted to you and intrigued by you...but I didn't and now you're dating someone.

I should have told you that it pissed me off that you chose to fuck around with someone you knew I was interested in, but chose to do it behind my back and then ask for my permission and pretend it hadn't happened yet.

I should have demanded that you tell me what I did to upset you and make you not speak to me, until you were on limited time, instead of letting you pawn it off as you were letting bygones be bygones and couldn't even remember what it was all over anyway. Bullshit...you knew, and you're not the only one...and you both pretended that you didn't, and one of you still pretends.

When you were flirting with me, I should have been braver and looked into those gorgeous eyes and amazing smile and flirted back.

I should have held you more, in the short time that you were with us...watched you coo and smile more...my little angel.

When you were staring at me, trying to will me to look up at you, I should have not buried my nose in my book...

I should have questioned why everyone I introduced to the group becomes closer to others and more distant from me once they're introduced...

I should have questioned you more...gotten more of your knowledge...learned more about what your life was like...and now I don't have the chance, and only have the limited stories that I remember...

I should have treasured more of the vacations we took as a kid...with the grandparents and without...to camp...and everywhere else, because now I look back and wish I had that time again...

I should have told you by now...all the times that we hang out...all the conversations...all the fun...that I'm interested and intrigued by you...and want to ask you out...

I should have not been afraid of reactions, rejection, confrontation or anger...and said and done the things I should have...but I didn't...and now they're out in the ether. Hopefully, when confronted with the situations again in the future, I will have the courage to say and do what I should...

Fit not Fat

it's become my new logo/words to live by for the new year. I have the goal of dropping 10% bodyfat by June 1, and I'm doing my best to meet that goal. It means that for right now, there's no ice cream, chocolate, not a lot of sugar...all things I like. I want to get to a good weight/bodyfat level that I can actually maintain without looking anorexic. I want to be around. I am sick of fighting my genes, and while I'm doing a better job than others...I want to kind of do a body reset by getting down the bodyfat and re-train my taste buds. It's not going to be easy and there will be a bunch that I am giving up, but I think it's worth it for my overall health.

I just watched a great video today, put together by a doctor, and the sole premise was please keep your sleeping and sitting to only 23 1/2 hours a day and use that extra 30 minutes to do something physical. When you put it that way...there really are no excuses to not work out regularly for at least 30 minutes a day. All makes sense!

someone like you

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you...I wish nothing but the best for you too. Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead."

If you've every heard Adele's hauntingly beautiful song Someone Like You you'll recognize those lyrics. Everyone reacts to music differently, but to me, that song is all about losing your first love. Being gay, it's rare that your first love is your last love, unless of course you're a lesbian and the Subaru is packed after the 2nd date - I kid (but only a little)! It's often a topic of conversation...do you love anyone as much as  you loved that first love? I would like to think so, but I also know that everyone is compared to that first love. I'm not sure that is a good or bad thing...it is what it is.

I long ago learned not the question the love that came into my life...and all the good and bad that came with it. You live, you love, you learn. You move on. You were loved, for however long. You hold your breath and wait for the next love, and along the way you get your heart broken (hopefully not much) and you learn to narrow down the field of suitors. Sometimes you feel like Blanche Devereaux with too many possibilities and other times you're Dorothy Zbornak - home alone on the couch on a Saturday night.

Despite it all, the ups and the downs...you keep your eyes looking straight ahead (you're too easily distracted by things passing by if you don't) and you hope that you catch the gaze of someone who's gaze you catch...the sparks will fly...the chemistry will be there...and then...I'll find someone like you...

Breaking Cycles...

I think that I have a tendency to hold onto things for sentimental reasons. I don't know why. I'm not a hoarder...my apt is not filled to the brim with boxes and bags of stuff that I'll never use or don't even know why I have them. I just sometimes hold onto things. I tend to put things in piles as I clean...to organize them. Sometimes those piles stay in one place for a while, other times they are dealt with swiftly. I'm keeping less and less these days. I get it from my grandmother and my Dad. I know that. My Dad could probably find you minutes from his very first school board meeting, if you needed him to and gave him time. Mind you, he was elected to the school board when I was in kindergarten...and lets just say I have been out of high school for 20 years now. I used to keep all the bills when I paid them...marked with when I paid and the check number and amount. Why? No clue. I had files and files of them that I finally had shredded and destroyed. I can look at the cancelled check and prove it was paid if I need to, and, thankfully, alot is paid online these days, so I don't have to keep those piles of paper anymore!

I love when I get rid of some piles...it feels less cluttered, more spacious. Now I just need to apply that to some other areas of my life...here's to hoping! Every week I watch Hoarders, I just think to myself...it's not me and I know that it isn't. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped giving my parents things/objects though. I send them to dinner for birthdays...a trip for their anniversary...a Broadway show for Christmas. Now I give them memories...which, in the long run, are better anyway!

Fit not Fat

That's what my motto for 2012 is going to be. I talked a bit yesterday about my resolutions, one of which is to drop 10% bodyfat by June 1. That's 5 full months. That's 2% per month. That's .5% a week. That's a lot of work. I'm sick of feeling fat though. Even if it is only gay fat/straight skinny, I'm sick of sitting down and feeling like I have a gut. I don't like that. I have wanted the bit of belly gone for a while now, but this is taking that to a whole new level. I've taken some before pictures, and I'll take a new picture on the 1st of every month to track my progress. I am assuming that I will be able to feel my progress more than see it at first, but in the end, it will all pay off. It means that my eating will be a bit restricted. Lots of protein, not a lot of fat. Not a lot of sugar and I'm not sure how I feel about unsweetened coffee...but if I'm going to make this work, I might have to get used to it. I really don't want to pull too much from my diet, as I don't feel like that is realistic. When I get to where I want to go and start eating what I like again, it's all going to come back. This has to be about a lifestyle change. This has to be about small indulgences and not huge ones. This has to be about calories in versus calories out. This is going to kick my ass...but hopefully, some of it will disappear!  =)

Resolutions...

New Years Eve and my family have a tradition of celebrations. When I was a kid, my paternal grandparents always had a big party - to celebrate the New Year, but also to celebrate their anniversary. I can still remember those parties. More recently, it's all about my nephew Logan, who was born today 5 years ago. To everyone else it's a time to celebrate the New Year, but to me, there were always other reasons to celebrate.

It's that time of the year. We all make them. The resolutions we say we're going to stick to and not abandon. I always end up making some, I think that we all do. I often wonder how many of us stick to them and to what degree. No matter, we all make them. I'm going to do my best to stick to them this year. There are a few that are really important to me...some secondary ones and then some tertiary ones...you know, the ones that if you get to - amazing, and if not, no worries.

I have decided that I want to drop 10% bodyfat in the first 5 months of this year, by June 1, I want to have dropped 10% bodyfat. That will take me down to just under 10% over all bodyfat - that will excite me. I am a little worried that dropping that much will make me look a bit emaciated, but we shall soon see. I've been doing really well with my cardio and lifting, so this is the final piece of that fitness puzzle and then I can learn how to maintain.

I have decided that I am going to blog a bit more regularly. I tried this year and was a bit successful, but I want to get better and more frequently update here on the goings on in my life and maybe just my random musings or the thoughts running through my head...look out for the wild ride folks...it's a jumble up there sometimes.

I want to read at least a book a month. That's not wholly unreasonable, as I read all the time. Sometimes it comes in fits and spurts though. I want to get a bit more regular and go through more books this year. I want to read at least a book a month and increase my brain.

I want to date more. I would like to go on at least one date a month. Now, before you decide that I'm a slut...it doesn't have to be with a different person every month. If I happen to find the right man that I'd like to date more regularly that still counts, but until that happens, I do need to date, so I've decided that I need to go out on at least one date a month. With my travel schedule this year, and what's shaping up for next year, I don't think that's going to be too difficult, and hey, I never said that the date needs to be in NYC or even on this continent...I know boys all over now! =)

Okay...there are so many more...but I've decided that those are the big ones I'm going to focus on. Those are the ones I'm pouring myself into, so to speak. Those are the ones that are getting my attention and focus.

To all of my friends (new and old) that have made 2011 so amazing, thank you! To those with whom my friendship has faltered a bit, I'm sorry for my part in that and I will do my best to do better in the new year - if you will. To my family, thank you so much for all that you do to inspire me on a regular basis...all of my family are important to me, but my sister and I are close and I can't imagine having made it through this year without her, so Bean, from the bottom of my heart - thank you. To my nephews, Connor, Logan (Happy Birthday Logan!) and Miles - thank you for reminding me to always try and have fun, to always ask questions and to learn things you don't know, to know that it's okay to not know and to be curious enough to get the answers.

I wish you a New Year filled with Health, Happiness, Peace and Love...

The Road to Hell...

is paved with good intentions. Seems like such an odd post for Christmas evening, but, there it is. I've had a wonderful day with the family...celebrated my nephews first Christmas, watched the gluttony of presents and food unfold...and watched my other nephews tear through their presents like they were tissue paper. They were all wrapped nicely. The stage was set, I had procured an EZ Bake Oven for my oldest nephew...it was what he REALLY, REALLY wanted. I thought I was being the cool uncle. I strive to be the cool uncle and get them gifts that they want. Not sweaters or clothes (yet)...no bars of soap or toiletries. Not obscure games they won't ever open. I want them to have gifts they want. So when my nephew decided he wanted the oven, Uncle Greg was there to oblige. I was so excited for him to open it. I wanted to see the look on his face...I wanted to see the happy. I psyched myself up for failure. It was like he was opening a pair of socks...he was so UN-enthusiastic about it. Ah well. I tried. After everyone else went to bed, I was up watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, and, in watching...I realized that Christmas is what you make it...and mine was fantastic. Even with the best of intentions, you could inadvertently end up in hell...if you allow that to happen. Happy Christmas everyone!