What If...

there are a lot of what if's running around in my head right now...some that I'm not ready to deal with...

I'm at the vortex of the tornado that is swriling the good and bad of my life all around me right now...and it's bumped my baggage from checked to carry on...

two thoughts...

keep spinning through my head...one is lyrics from an incredible song...
"if I can only hold you now, make the pain just go away...can't stop the tears from running down my face..."

and then there's the other Zen saying...

"No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place"

I like the zen saying...everything happens for a reason...and there's a reason Sean and I got together...no snowflake falls in the wrong place...and we fell into each other...we'll see what happens...

Broke and Desolate...

is how I'm feeling emotionally right now...I need to find my rainbow again...

The Earth turns...

the sun burns...
tides changes...
the boys run...
the oceans crash...
the crowds roar...
the days soar...
the moon glows...
the river flows...
life goes on...
but I'm gone...

I QUIT

I want to quit my life. Have you ever just wanted to quit your life? Even just for a little while? That's what I feel like right now. My boyfriend is having a nervous breakdown after just loosing his mother to ALS. I say that I love my job, but I really can't stand it right now, and I groan when I wake up every morning and dread going in. I want a new job that will give me the time to have a life. I want to make more money. I want to be loved and to love in return. I want the most significant relationship in my life to not be with my blackberry. I want my boyfriend to be well and in my arms again, but, right now, I don't know if that will happen. Most of all...I just want to put life on pause for a minute, enjoy myself and come back when things are better. I guess that wouldn't be life then. So, what do I do in the mean time? How do I cope with this? How do I get through this? I wish I knew. I feel like everything is closing in around me even though I know its not. I cry at the drop of a hat or a hallmark commercial. I feel like my heart is on my sleeve and that my face is constantly streaked with tears. I don't know what to do anymore. Alcohol isn't even numbing the pain. Will sex? What works - somebody - please tell me, NOW! I need the solution and the answers that I am without right now! I don't know what to do! I have never felt like this in my life. I want to quit my life.

OWEN...

you are always with me little one...always!

my guardian angel...that cute and smiling face...all the happiness that you brought...

you will always be with me!

relationships...

I really am enjoying being in one...it's been so long since my last. I have a great time with the bf, regardless of what we're doing...having dinner out, hanging out on the river or just lounging. I still have butterflies in my stomach with that first kiss upon meeting. I smile, okay beam, when I'm talking to him. I can't wait for him to meet my family. we finish each others sentences sometimes, and have the same thoughts at the same time frequently. we look at the same hot guys when we're out (is that wrong), but it's always me who's hand he's holding, or that he has his arms around, or is making out with.

when is it too soon to say the big L word? what if I'm feeling it. when is the right time to not freak either person out?

I have all these doubts and fears...and I try not to let those come into play...but they're always there, in the back of my mind...but the good thoughts are too...plans that we've made together for a while from now...things to do...places to go...

for right now, the only thing I can say is, I'm glad to be in a relationship with him and enjoying every minute I get...